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Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression

Karin Stewart

The Velveteen Rabbit

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EXCERPT FROM THE VELVETEEN RABBIT
By Margery Williams

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Moral of the story!

  • To grow into the person you are meant to be accept that part of life is getting hurt. That’s the ‘sandpaper’ that rubs down your sharp edges.
  • Accept others as they are without shouting at them for saying the wrong thing (in your opinion!). You really don’t want people ‘walking on eggshells’ when they’re with you. I’m not telling you to accept abuse as that’s a different matter and unacceptable.
  • Use each hurt as an opportunity to learn something about yourself. I just ask myself the simple question ‘what is this incident telling me about my belief systems.’
  • Sometimes we mind-read what we ‘think’ the other person has ‘really’ said and react to that, rather than what they have actually said. Become aware of this tendency. Pull yourself back into reality by asking yourself ‘what are the actual words the other person said’ and react to these words instead of what you imagine they’ve said.

Becoming a real person doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

Baby Rhinos – Fight or Flight!

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Dangerous situations trigger our ‘fight or flight’ reaction. We all know about the flight or flight response but I’d never really thought of it in the animal kingdom. Read on!

Rhino Slaughter

South Africa has an enormous problem with rhino poaching. These beautiful animals are killed for their horns for buyers in the East who believe the horn has magical medicinal properties. This is utter rubbish as the horn is much like fingernails which have NO medicinal qualities. Tragically the slaughter continues.

Flight or fight!

Fiona Macleod, in “Orphans get a second chance” (Mail & Guardian, South Africa, March 30 2012) talks about the Fight or Flight response in older rhino calves. The bond between the rhino mother and her calf is incredibly strong. The baby calf often doesn’t leave the dead mother and the calf is usually found covered in machete wounds.

The reaction of the older calves is interesting – they typically displayed a ‘flight or fight’ response. Some tried to charge the poachers and were regularly found with gun shot wounds, or else killed for the little stumps of their horns. Some of the other older calves just take off and keep running, so when they are found days later they have to be treated for dehydration. Really sad, isn’t it?

Self-criticism

A ‘flight or fight’ response is hard-wired into all creatures, enabling us to deal with life-threatening situations. Many people criticize themselves for how they reacted in a dangerous situation. If they run away, they criticize themselves for not having stood up and confronted the danger. If they stayed and confronted the danger, they criticize themselves for having been stupid not to have run away. And if we don’t criticize ourselves, there are many others who will do it for us! “You should have done.. ” can be a well-meaning but very unhelpful comment!

Reassure yourself that how you react in a dangerous situation comes automatically and the way you respond is the best way for you to respond! Flight or fight are both equally correct responses There is certainly NO time to think about whether  you should stay and fight, or flee! Logic has no say as your  automatic response kicks in. Don’t buy into a guilt trip of having made the wrong decision. It’s illogical and only makes you feel worse. You responded in the very best way!

Confronted by a rhino? My flight response will definitely kick in. No thinking needed as I’ll run as fast as my legs can carry me up the nearest tree!

The Need for Love

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Do you have an urge to get love and then find that the well meaning things you do actually put people off? Let’s see what could be going wrong.

Excessive Compliments

Do you give others excessive compliments and at the same time put yourself down? Saying things like ‘I wish I could be clever like you. I’m just stupid.’ If you’re prone to doing this, you’ll have plenty more examples of your own! Unconsciously you’re hoping that these sorts of compliments will get the other person to love you. It’s more likely going to backfire. Excessive compliments don’t attract people, but actually makes them feel uncomfortable and puts them off. You’re more likely to end up feeling unloved.

Testing Relationships

Do you ever test a relationship to the limit until you’re rejected? All you’ve done is behave in a way that matches your self-image of being unlovable. Our behavior always matches what we believe about ourselves, even if the belief is in the subconscious. Sad but true!

Overwhelming Attention

Or maybe you’ve overwhelmed the person you love with so much attention that it becomes stifling for the other person who then bales out of the relationship. Once again this behavior done in the hope of getting love leads to rejection.

Unavailable people

Have you ever sought out people who are ‘not available’ or who are actually a bit rejecting? The unconscious belief is that there would be something wrong with a person who just accepts you as you are. So you target people who are more likely to reject you in the first place.

The Solution?

  • Self love is actually very attractive and will draw others to you. Learn to love yourself.
  • Getting involved in a wider range of interests can certainly help. If you focus on developing less intense relationships with a wider variety of ‘available’ people you won’t feel so desperate to get ‘love’.
  • There are very many ‘ordinary’ people just like you who want love. Take the focus off yourself and focus on making other people feel loved.

We all want someone to love and someone who will also love us. Love is desirable but not a requirement for happiness. That would put our happiness under the control of someone else. And happiness is, after all, determined by our own thoughts, not by any outside event.

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It creates the failures. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” Anais Nin (1903 – 1977) French-born American writer.

Woes of a Workaholic!

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Are you driven by achievement, a workaholic, basing all your self-worth on productivity? If so, it’s time to get a better perspective on life. Achievement isn’t everything and the problem with this attitude is that you could have an emotional crash when you retire or your business slumps.

Try changing your thinking to something like ‘It’s great to achieve, to do well, but it’s not everything. I can learn valuable lessons when I don’t do so well. It’s okay!’ Try to enjoy the creative process of doing things. Workaholics often have the attitude that only they can get the job done properly and so are reluctant to delegate any work. Assess whether this attitude is really valid as it only increases your stress.

Stress leads to burnout which is just a more acceptable name for depression stemming from the work-place. Change your attitude. Work is obviously a good thing, but it can be problematic if it overwhelms all the other aspects of your life. Your family and your children also need your time. If you neglect them in favor or your work you might just find that they are no longer available when you need them!

Try to find a balance in the different areas of your life.

Seeking Approval

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The Seal of Approval!

We all have a need for approval and love, there’s no arguing that. But when this need for approval from other people controls everything we say or do, there’s a problem. This need for approval can rob one of the joy of living a full life.

The Need for Approval

If you are constantly evaluating yourself through the eyes of others, seeking out approval, you will be very vulnerable to anxiety and depression.You’ll also ‘walk on eggshells’ trying to do what you believe others expect of you, rather than living your life authentically. Be careful as a person with an excessive need for approval can be easily manipulated because of an overwhelming need to avoid conflict. Learn a healthy way of dealing with criticism otherwise it can be the trigger that sends you down the spiral into depression, as well as leaving you feeling extremely anxious.

  • Anxiety can have its roots in the belief that you have no right to express your feelings your needs or your opinions. There is a great underlying fear of disapproval. When you get this type of anxious feeling reassure yourself that you have the right to express your needs and opinions. This often happens in a marriage relationship. Just remember that if your partner ends up in a bad mood because you’ve expressed your needs, that’s their problem, not yours. Don’t let yourself be cowered into being manipulated.
  • Learn to say no! If you can’t say no, then you’re a people pleaser, with an excessive need for approval. ‘People won’t like me if I don’t do what they say’ is a common thought, and shows a fear of rejection. Start practicing saying ‘no’ and you might be surprised to see that people still like you! When someone asks you to do something, it might be too big a first step, to say an outright NO. Just reply ‘Thank you for asking me, let me give it some thought and I’ll get back to you’. The decision then becomes yours, because you want to and not because you’re feeling manipulated.
  • Practice verbalizing your needs A fear of disapproval can also make a person fearful of expressing their needs. The result? The expectation that a person, particularly a spouse will ‘mind-read’ your needs! Impossible. Even if you expect your partner to ‘know’ your needs, accept that people are very forgetful (part of being human) and just express them again, in a nice way!