Nagging your partner won’t change them

Posted on June 10, 2013 by karin

Nag, nag, nag…. Do you really think nagging your partner is going to change them?

‘A nagging wife [or person] is like water going drip-drip-drip on a rainy day’ (Proverbs 27:15).

How irritating is that. It’s enough to make you want to run away and live on the roof!

‘Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife [or person]‘ (Proverbs 25:24).

Have you heard the saying ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again’. What terrible advice to give anyone. How about this for better advice.

If at first you don’t succeed REVISE YOUR STRATEGY AND THEN TRY AGAIN.

No matter how much you nag your partner, it’s not going to change them. Agreed? A change of strategy is needed first.

Despite irritating behavior BELIEVE that your partner means well for you and isn’t actually out to get you with their irritating behavior. What you believe affects how you behave.
Love your partner exactly as they are.
Try focusing on their good qualities, actively showing appreciation with words and gestures. Don’t just focus on the negative. Try ignoring these for a while.

FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR

What behavior is it exactly that irritates you? Telling your partner that they’re thoughtless or inconsiderate or selfish or anything else like this doesn’t give your partner any clue as to what you’d like them to do differently.

Let’s try an example:

“You’re so thoughtless you never think of me, you just watch TV all the time”.

In your opinion your partner might be watching too much TV, but that’s your opinion and you won’t get any change with accusations like this. Try to stick to “I feel statements” WITHOUT BLAME.

“I feel ……. (name your feeling) when you ….. (name the behavior) ……. because ……”

“I feel unloved when you carry on watching TV while I’m trying to talk to you because I’d really like to have some quality talk time with you.”

Much better! Now you can negotiate any behavior change and come to an agreement.

And please don’t say things like “My partner SHOULD know by now, I don’t know why I have to keep on repeating myself!” That fact that they might not remember is not an indication of their not loving you rather an indication of their forgetfulness. Just repeat yourself as if it’s the first time.

5 Tips for Restoring a hurting marriage

Posted on June 6, 2013 by karin

Most relationships turn sour because of an accumulation of bad habits and poor communication. A candlelit dinner won’t make any difference in the long run, you need to change your day-to-day life or else you’ll soon be back to square one.

1. HOLD CRISIS TALKS
Seems like a good idea but usually gets the other person’s back up and they walk away.
A better idea is to learn to express your feelings with “I feel… (rather than “you make me feel”)…….when you ….. because ….”. eg. I feel annoyed when you keep watching the TV, because I”m not sure that you registered that our son needs to be picked up. NOW THAT’S CLEAR COMMUNICATION WITH NO BLAME.

2. TAKE A ROMANTIC BREAK
All that forced time together might not be such a good idea! There’s no escape. Spending a lot of money on a dream holiday isn’t going to restore a marriage.
Rather start connecting in small ways. Each morning share one thing you’re planning for the day and in the evening do the same. Research has shown that it takes 5 positives (a compliment, a thank-you, a small favor) to combat one negative (criticizing, moaning, ignoring). Once these are in place, you’ll be ready for a romantic break

3. TRIAL SEPARATION
You think it’s going to make your partner miss you, but all it does is make your private problems public.. You end up talking to everyone else about your problems rather than communicating with each other.
If you think your partner is ALWAYS WRONG try a game of playing “What if they are right…” and see where your thinking takes you.

4. HAVING A BABY
This can put more strain on an already strained relationship, as would any long term shared project.

5. SETTING AN ULTIMATUM
Why give all the work to your partner to change. Instead of comments like “you need to be more thoughtful…” Work out how the person could be more thoughtful, make it actionable and measurable, like putting out the garbage. Break the problem into manageable pieces.

Working on your marriage is worth the effort. Many divorced people regret not having worked harder on their marriage. Statistics show that second or third marriages are seldom happier. Working on keeping your marriage vows might be hard work but sticking to your partner for the long haul, through good and bad times, is a maturing process that could ultimately lead to greater happiness.

Take your thoughts captive …

Posted on May 30, 2013 by karin

‘For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they (our weapons) have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.’2 Corinthians 10:3

What is a stronghold?

A stronghold is any thought or behavior that controls us and no matter how hard we try we just feel helpless and unable to get the upper hand. It is a battle.

We know what God thinks about us, that He loves us with a never-ending love, that Jesus died to save us, so how can we hold onto thoughts that tell us that we’re unlovable and worthless?

But because these negative thoughts about ourselves are in our minds, we presume them to be the truth. Seldom do we wonder what God thinks about what we believe about ourselves. Maybe we should!

The weapon that we’ve been given to demolish these strongholds, these thoughts and behaviors that unmercifully take us captive, is the Holy Spirit. That is the ‘divine’ weapon that we’ve been given. Ask the Holy Spirit about your thoughts, because the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth. It is sin to hold your thoughts in higher regard to the thoughts of God.

I know this from my own depression about 18 years ago. These terrible thoughts were going through my mind and I just wanted to curl up and die. The Holy Spirit then brought to my awareness that my thoughts certainly did not line up with what God thought about me. All I could do was say sorry to God and reject those thoughts. With that I was ‘miraculously’ better and jumped out of bed with a new spring in my step. Oh, the terrible control that our thoughts can have on us!

Without realizing it I was obedient to this Bible verse. I ‘demolished’ the false belief. The verse further says that ‘we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.’

Take every thought captive

Max Lucado in his book ‘Just like Jesus’ says:

‘When a negative thought comes into your head, handcuff the thought and march it down to the Courthouse and present the thought at the judgment seat of Christ. Now imagine saying to Jesus “this thought tells me that I am worthless and unlovable, what do you think?” Jesus will tell you to give that thought marching orders, it does not line up with what Scripture says and it is a lie that comes from the enemy camp’.

Give ‘this method’ a try. I’d also love to hear about your experience.

Til next time, have a blessed week!

Change the World – Dwayne Savaya

Posted on May 23, 2013 by karin

Selfless love for a happy relationship

Posted on May 19, 2013 by karin

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” Anthony Robbins

I can’t live without you!!

Aren’t these so often the words of young people newly in love. Take a moment to listen to those words – it’s all about ME.

“I want You to make me feel fulfilled, to make me feel worthwhile about myself”!

Stop putting yourself first and rather see how you can better love your partner if you want your relationship to last. This is called selfless love.

A relationship is like a bank account.

Have you ever been in overdraft on your bank account? You can’t keep on withdrawing without making any deposits. You have to keep your bank account in the black if you want to avoid huge bank charges. Same with a relationship, make sure the emotional “bank account” is always in the black. That way you can make some “withdrawals” as you do when you’re self-centered and selfish. But make sure to put in a “whole lotta love” to keep the account healthy. You want to avoid those hefty bank overdraft charges!

What are your expectations in a relationship?

Posted on May 12, 2013 by karin

Think of this for a moment. When you give a gift what are your expectations? Should that person reciprocate by giving you a gift of equal value at some stage? Or do you give gifts with no strings attached?

I am busy reading ‘The World until Yesterday’ by Jared Diamond (page 65) and came across an interesting paragraph about expectations.

Andaman Islanders

“Some traditional societies negotiate explicit exchanges and both items pass hands at the same time, in other cases one party presents a gift, and the recipient thereby incurs the obligation to provide a gift of comparable value at some unspecified time in the future. The simplest form of such reciprocal gifting occurs among Andaman Islanders for whom there is little delay between the two halves of the transaction. A local group invites one or more other local groups to a feast that lasts a few days, and to which the visitors bring objects such as bows, arrow, adzes, baskets and clay. A visitor gives an object to a host, who cannot refuse the gift but is then expected to give something of equal value. If the second gift does not meet the guest’s expectations, the guest may become angry.”

Essentially gifts must be of equal value or there could be anger! Interesting thought.

Unmet expectations lead to anger and resentment

Most of us aren’t quite so explicit in our expectations. Can you just imagine a conversation like this between two friends

“I gave you a silk blouse for your birthday and all you gave me for my birthday is a box of chocolates. I’m SO angry with you.”

No, won’t happen! We’re brought up to have good manners and so the resentment festers under the surface. And we seethe because of all sorts of interpretations that we attach to the event.”Waah, my friend doesn’t really like me or else she would have spent more on my present!!”

Have NO Expectations and you’ll never be disappointed!

You’ll have a far happier life if you give gifts, whether it be material gifts, or acts of kindness, with no expectation of the gift being reciprocated. Give a gift because you want to, not because of what you expect in return. Then when a gift is reciprocated it is like the cherry on top of the cake - unexpected and delicious!

The World until Yesterday by Jared Diamond is Available from Amazon

Read another post from Collapse by Jared Diamond here.

Disappearance by Irene Emanuel

Posted on May 5, 2013 by karin

Irene Emanuel

DISAPPEARANCE

Unbearable heaviness;
Inexplicable sadness;
A burden of non-explanation
that’s ripping my façade to shreds.
Weakness encircles my upper body;
A loss of strength
that reduces me
to tearful hopelessness;
A cowering scrap of indecision
that is beyond caring.
In lucid leaps of cognizance,
I am aware of sliding into despair.
I communicate my terror to GOD –
I discuss my emptiness;
the barren strangeness of sound
reverberating through the hallways
of my mind.
Sorrow slouches arrogantly,
spitting out slivers of sharp scorn
at my despondency;
at my un-voiced fears and inadequacies.
I live in devastated ignorance
of my dissemblance.
Would GOD understand my lapse
into nothingness?

BY: IRENE EMANUEL 24-01-2003

Thank you again Irene for sharing this poem.To read “The Darkness” by Irene Emanuel as well as more information about the poet, please click here

The Darkness by Irene Emanuel

Posted on April 29, 2013 by karin

Irene Emanuel

What blackness pulls me,
protesting that I prefer the light,
but still wrenches my soul
into it’s glacial madness.

What triumphant tentacle
tweaks my tiredness
into tedious paralysis.

What despicable emotion
delivers my self-respect
into oblivion.

What relentless ribbon
encircles my lungs and
rivets my breath
to my throat.

It is the dull depressive dankness
that deprives my brain
of it’s life-force
and I die by degrees.

BY: IRENE EMANUEL (03-09-2006)

The other evening I had the pleasure of meeting Irene and during our conversation I learnt that Irene is a well-known poet having won several distinguished awards.

“Poetry allows me to get my message across with rhythmic speed and clarity and is the written word that I like best. My passions are music, reading, movies and cats.
Poetry has brought me into contact with many special people and in the process I have learnt that poetry breaks down social barriers of class and language. I feel privileged to have a gift of such magnitude, one that I love to share with anyone who wants to listen.”

Irene’s poems have been published locally and abroad and can be found in “World Anthology of Journeys”, “Unbreaking The Rainbow, Voices of Protest”, in issues of “A Hudson View” and “The Speech and drama Association of S.A.”

In 2006, a collection of her poems, “A Scorpion Sings” was published by Trayberry Press.
“Count Catula of Shadoland & friends”, a selection of poetry, was published by Osborne Porter Literary Services in March 2011.

If you would like to contact Irene you may do so through this website and I’ll pass on the message. And to Irene - Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us.

Critical Parents

Posted on April 19, 2013 by karin

THE EFFECTS OF CRITICAL PARENTS

When I counsel a person with depression sooner or later they will talk about their childhood and critical parents. As children, no matter how hard they tried, they just couldn’t please their parents. And even in old age, with the parents long since dead and buried they’re still trying to please their critical parents.

WHY DO PARENTS CRITICIZE THEIR CHILDREN?

Critical parents often had critical parents themselves, this is how they were taught to parent. To a child parents are God-like, all knowing and whatever they speak is the truth. Constant criticism leaves a mark on the child’s self-esteem.The child then enters adulthood with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence to try anything new, including a lack of confidence in how to love unconditionally.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

A person’s most important emotional need is for unconditional love. Knowing what unconditional love is like enables us, in turn, to love unconditionally. Children need the security of knowing they are loved even when their behavior is not so great. Unconditional love means never having to feel a threat of love being withdrawn. Giving unconditional love to ‘bratty’ children can be difficult, especially if you never received it while growing up yourself. In fact if your children are being ‘bratty’ focus on the behavior you don’t approve of rather than criticizing the character of the child.

The belief that has been instilled in the child that has been brought up with constant criticism is that nothing they ever do is good enough, so why try, when you’re just going to fail.

But then their own children arrive on the scene…

And they certainly don’t want their own children to have this same sense of inadequacy. Being unfamiliar with unconditional love these parents do to their own children what their parents did to them. They criticize them in an attempt to improve them. And so the cycle passes down from one generation to the next.

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?

If this seems to sum up how you’re feeling it’s time to take stock of your life.

Try to figure out why your parents were so critical – look to their own upbringing.
The reality of parents is that they are not God. They make mistakes and have feelings of inadequacies, despite how they might come across. Forgive them for being imperfect.
Try to work out what faulty believes you are carrying around with you making your life miserable.
Assess if these beliefs are worth holding onto – you can let them go.
Any good story has a consistent beginning, middle and end. Your life story also needs to make sense. The good news is that you can re-script the rest of your life and discard the unwanted baggage that you took on when you were an innocent child.

Click here to read more about how parenting can be a factor in children developing depression later in life.

Slave Mentality – from ‘Kathie’ by Dora Taylor

Posted on April 10, 2013 by karin

I’ve just finished reading “Kathie”, by Dora Taylor. It’s a fascinating story of life in the 1950′s for the ‘colored’ people of South Africa. Taylor explores slave mentality and the dilemmas of racial identity in a country where superiority or inferiority lay in the degree of skin pigmentation. I found this book enthralling and definitely very worthwhile reading for anyone interested in knowing more about what life was like under apartheid.

Clicking on the book image will take you to Amazon.

Slave Mentality

In the book “Kathie”, the author makes reference to ‘slave mentality‘. Nowadays many people are slaves on a psychological level. Think about it. What are you a slave to? What’s holding you back from a life unfettered by chains and enjoying a life of freedom?

Who is your master? Could it be alcohol, drug or sex addictions? What about the way you think? Low self-esteem, fear of what others might think, a victim mentality, depressed thinking? Any of these can keep a person in chains, preventing a life of freedom. Let’s not forget attitudes like resentment and a lack of forgiveness – these can also hold one in chains.

As you read this excellent extract from the book “Kathie” think about the things that keep you in chains.

‘Beware of slave mentality,’ said Ndwana. ‘It is a cunning sickness. We may have it without knowing we have it.’

‘How may we diagnose it?’

‘That is a good question,’ answered Ndwana. ‘He who has the mind of a slave accepts the existing order of things as unchanging and unchangeable, because his master has told him it is so. He does not question it; still less does he try to change it. When he is kicked he cringes; he fawns on the hand that smites him. He begs for crumbs for himself, but not his brother; he slinks into a corner to lick his own wounds, but does not see the wounds of his brother; bullied by his master, he bullies those who are even more unfortunate than himself. Robbed of will and reason, he becomes stupid and hardened of feelings for others. He loses the very power to think of himself as a man.’

‘It is a grim picture,’

…..’Stupid lies masquerade as the truth. And you yourselves believe them….’ (Taylor 2008:333)

We act on whatever we believe to be the truth, even stupid lies that seem like the truth. The only way to break free is to see the lies for what they are and expose these lies to the light of truth.

John 8:32 “…Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

“Kathie” by Dora Taylor is available from Amazon.

Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression