January 12, 2014 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Love your Inner Child

I came across this amazing series of photos, “Imagine Finding Me” by the Japanese London – based photographer Chino Otsuka. With incredible skill she digitally inserts herself into old photos, so that she is standing next to her younger self.

The images got me thinking about “the inner child” ...

We were all children, that’s a no-brainer but what most of us are not aware of is that we still have that child living within us. Whenever you think, feel or behave in a way you did when you were a child, it is your inner child that is acting out. A lack of awareness of your inner child will leave you wondering where so many of your behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from. Usually they can be traced back to your “inner child” acting out.

Ask yourself…

You’re an adult, but have you really grown up?
Is your unconscious inner child, the emotionally wounded, hurting child, controlling or influencing your adult life, trying to make your adult decisions?

For many it is a hurt, fearful angry little boy or girl (in an adult body) who is making adult decisions. No wonder our relationships go wrong, and then we feel anxious, insecure and inferior, all the feelings we had as little children when we did something “wrong”.

Can you recognize behavior or reactions that you don’t like, that could possibly stem from an inner child deciding how you should react? What about temper tantrums, sulking or plain irrational behavior. These behaviors might be appropriate for a child, but they’re definitely not appropriate for an adult -your inner child is acting out and having control!

Action Plan

1. Become conscious of your inner child. learn to recognize when the inner child is directing how you behave.
2. You have two ways of reacting to your inner child.

Hate: You can get cross with yourself, with your inner child, just as your parent did to you when you were little and did something wrong. Isn’t it true that we so often hear the reprimands of our parents in our minds. You can carry on hating and blaming your inner child for all your ills and remain a helpless victim. You can futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling your infantile needs, but this is also doomed to failure.

Love: It is only through loving your inner child that this child will ‘grow up’. Take your inner child seriously, consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within. Listen to how they feel and what they need. Unfortunately for most of us, certain infantile needs were, maliciously or not, unmet by our imperfect parents and they never will be. A child grows up when it receives proper parental supervision, protection and support. But the only parent who can now do this is YOU, the Adult you.

Visualization: When the inner child reacts badly, reassure your inner child. Close your eyes and visualize yourself holding hands with a little version of yourself. Call that child “Little ….. (insert your name)” and talk to that child in a loving non-judgemental way eg. “Little John. it’s okay you were trying your best, it didn’t quite work out, but don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you and together we will try again next time… we’ll keep practicing, til together, we get it right….)

The process of healing is a journey and not a quick fix and I wish you well on your recovery. If you want to ask me any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask something in the coment box.

For more on the inner child click here.

To see more of the amazing pictures of the adult Chino Otsuka inserted into the childhood photos of herself click here

October 5, 2013 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Abu Kassem’s Slippers

“In prison, lights were out by eight o’clock. We’d each tell a story. That was our entertainment. One of my cell mates, a merchant, Tawfiq – he would tell the Abu Kassem story”

This was a tale well known to children all over Africa: Abu Kassem, a miserly Baghdad merchant, has held onto his battered, much repaired pair of slippers even though they were objects of derision. At last, even he couldn’t stomach the sight of hem. But his every attempt to get rid of his slippers ended in disaster: when he tossed them out of his window they landed on the head of a pregnant woman who miscarried, and Abu Kassem was thrown in jail; when he dropped them in the canal, the slippers choked off the main drain, and caused flooding, and off Abu Kassem went to jail…

One night, when Tawfiq finished, another prisoner, a quiet, dignified old man said, “Abu Kassem might as well build a special room for his slippers. Why try to lose them? He’ll never escape.” The old man laughed , and he seemed happy when he said that. That night the old man died in his sleep.

“The following night, we couldn’t wait to talk about Abu Kassem. We all saw it the same way. the old man was right. The slippers in the story mean that everything you see and do and touch, every seed you sow, or don’t sow, becomes part of your destiny …

Later relating this to his children Ghosh sighed. I hope one day you see this as clearly as I did when I was in prison.

The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don’t. If you keep saying your slippers aren’t yours, then you’ll die searching, you’ll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more. Not only our actions, but also our omissions, become our destiny.”

(From “Cutting for Stone,” by Abraham Verghese, Vintage Books)

The key to psychological health is accepting yourself exactly for who you are. We all have good parts as well as parts that we might feel ashamed of. True freedom comes when we accept all these parts that make up who we are. Only then do we stop wasting precious time and energy pretending to be something that we are not.

March 27, 2013 by Karin Stewart 5 Comments

Self-defeating Attitudes and Fears

Are you your own worst enemy?

What we think or believe affects the way we live our lives. See if any of these common self-defeating attitudes and fears apply to you. Try to work out how these attitudes just make your life a misery. Do any of these give you a light-bulb experience “that’s me!!” . If so, take note of the thought, check it out with others and really examine why this attitude might just cause you misery in the long run, why it might not be worth holding onto.

Self- defeating Attitudes and Fears

It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself.
If a person criticizes me, it means there’s something wrong with me.
I must always please people and live up to everyone’s expectations.
I am basically defective and inferior to others.
Other people are to blame for my problems.
The world should always be the way I want it to be.
Other people should always meet my expectations.
If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It’s not really safe to feel happy and optimistic.I’m hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve.
I must always try to be perfect.That’s the only way to be happy.

Actually Perfectionism can make a person very unhappy!

perfectionism

Can you recognize yourself in this list?

Moralistic perfectionism: I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard.

Performance perfectionism: To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do.

Identity perfectionism: People will never accept me as an imperfect vulnerable human being.

Emotional perfectionism: I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed.I must always try to be happy.

Romantic perfectionism: I must find a perfect partner and always feel infatuated with him or her.

Relationship perfectionism: People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other.

Appearance perfectionism: I look ugly because I’m slightly overweight (or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish).

Recognize yourself in any of these? I know I do!

Ask yourself

does it benefit me to hold onto this particular belief?
Is this belief really true and helpful?
What steps can I take that will allow me to rid myself of self-defeating attitudes and unrealistic and replace them with others that are more objective and more uplifting?

March 16, 2013 by Karin Stewart 3 Comments

Stop child depression developing

stop child deprssion — Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

“You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
“Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
“You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
“Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.

October 8, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Stop pretending – J.K.Rowling

Recently, while helping out at an Old Age Home, I asked a group of the residents if there was one piece of advice about living that they would give to a younger person.

“What do you mean?” the one lady asked.
“Well when I was young” I replied, “I was so worried about what people would think about me, so I always tried to do the ‘right’ thing, do what people expected of me”.
“Oh, yes! We know all about that” they replied.
“To heck with what other people think, you’ve got to be true to yourself.” answered one the ladies quite vehemently. “Live your life and enjoy your life. Relax and stop worrying about how other people think you should live your life.”

It was the vehemence of the reply that gave me quite a surprise!

I found the following quote from “The Casual Vacancy” by J.K. Rowling in the Time Magazine, October 8, 2012. It gives a similar message.

“The mistake 99% of humanity made, as far as Fats could see, was being ashamed of what they were; lying about it, trying to be somebody else. Honesty was Fats’ currency, his weapon and defense. It frightened people when you were honest it shocked them. Other people, Fats had discovered, were mired in embarrassment and pretense, terrified that their truths might leak out, but Fats was attracted by rawness, by everything that was ugly but honest, by the dirty things about which the likes of his father felt humiliated and disgusted.”

The sooner we come to terms with who we are and start ‘liking’ the unique person that we are, the sooner we’ll live life to the full. Self-love and self-acceptance (not selfishness) are very attractive attributes. I really don’t enjoy the company of people who try to pretend they’re perfect, somebody they’re not. One just senses straight away that there’s something fake going on.

And come to think of it, who sets the standard of what is perfect?
Certainly not any other human being! The only way to be perfect is to be true to yourself. Some might not like it, but that’s their loss. Be yourself and stop pretending!

And by the way, the Casual Vacancy by R.K.Rowling was well reviewed in the Time Magazine article. Click here to see the book on Amazon.