Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression

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The Velveteen Rabbit

June 13, 2012 by Karin Stewart 2 Comments

 

EXCERPT FROM THE VELVETEEN RABBIT
By Margery Williams

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Moral of the story!

  • To grow into the person you are meant to be accept that part of life is getting hurt. That’s the ‘sandpaper’ that rubs down your sharp edges.
  • Accept others as they are without shouting at them for saying the wrong thing (in your opinion!). You really don’t want people ‘walking on eggshells’ when they’re with you. I’m not telling you to accept abuse as that’s a different matter and unacceptable.
  • Use each hurt as an opportunity to learn something about yourself. I just ask myself the simple question ‘what is this incident telling me about my belief systems.’
  • Sometimes we mind-read what we ‘think’ the other person has ‘really’ said and react to that, rather than what they have actually said. Become aware of this tendency. Pull yourself back into reality by asking yourself ‘what are the actual words the other person said’ and react to these words instead of what you imagine they’ve said.

Becoming a real person doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: friends

Accepting Help

May 20, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Isn’t it true that many of us like to help other people, but are not so good at accepting help from others? We all have a need to be needed and when we help others we get this need met. This feels good.

But in order to give help we need someone who will accept our offer of help. Now this can be a problem because we have been taught to be independent and self-sufficient. Have you ever offered help to someone and your help has been rejected, even thought it’s clear that the person needs help? Your offer of help is rejected just so the other person can stay feeling self-sufficient and even feel proud of their independence.

Actually as humans we are meant to be interdependent, helping each other and receiving help from others. This is what makes for healthy relationships. When you reject someone’s offer of help you are stopping their ‘need to be needed’ from being met! You’re being quite selfish! So maybe think of an offer of help in another way. Somebody offers you help, think of the other person rather than yourself. By accepting the offer of help you’re giving the other person an opportunity to have their ‘need to be needed’ met. By accepting help you’re giving the other person a chance to feel good about themselves and build up their self-esteem.

Many years ago I read the book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck,  a book I can highly recommend. I’d like to share an example of this principle from his book.

One Sunday as Dr Scott Peck left church it started raining. A patient of his who attended the same church, came up to him and offered him her umbrella. Dr Scott Peck’s reply was ‘no thank you, I’ll just run quickly!’ When he climbed into his car he realized what he had done and was furious with himself. By refusing her help, he had denied this young woman the opportunity to feel needed.

M. Scott Peck’s book, ‘The Road Less Travelled’ is available through Amazon. If you’re interested, just click on the book icon in the sidebar which will link you to Amazon.

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: approval, depression, friends

Two-Faced!

April 14, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

I was working in my garden this morning when I saw this caterpillar. It was so well disguised that I initially thought it was a rolled up dead leaf. It narrowly escaped the blades of my secateurs!  The rather strange lump on the right hand side is the caterpillar’s head!

 

I then looked at the ‘backside’ of the caterpillar and saw that it had another ‘face’. It looked like a big smiley face with a horn on top!

The two-faced caterpillar! Isn’t it true that we also wear ‘masks’. We put on a face that we think is more acceptable to the world. We pretend that we are somebody that we aren’t in order to be accepted. I suspect that the horn above that smiley face might be a dangerous sting for any potential predator looking to breakfast on the caterpillar! Wearing this type of ‘pretend’ mask can be dangerous to our mental health because in the long run it’s impossible to maintain. Also having a genuine relationship with someone who wears a ‘mask’ is difficult. We might be trying to be more appealing to others but in the end we are more likely to put them off!

Be true to yourself! You certainly will be far more appealing and interesting without that ‘pretend’ mask!

You might also be interested in these related links.

  • Seeking Approval
  • Living a True Life
  • Living a Life According to Others Expectations

By the way I’d love to know what butterfly this caterpillar will turn into. If you’re a caterpillar expert please let me know.

Filed Under: Approval Tagged With: change your thinking, friends

Stay connected to friends!

March 4, 2012 by Karin Stewart 2 Comments

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

This was listed as the 4th most common regret in a study of elderly folk facing death. If you know what you could regret at the end of your life, then you could do something about it now, couldn’t you?

We don’t need masses of friends. But we do all need a handful of good friends who we can mutually depend on, love and support.  It really is difficult to have a meaningful relationship with huge numbers of people. We are not meant to live as isolated beings but maintaining relationships also needs work. It requires time and effort from both sides.

About 25 years ago a very dear friend and I drifted apart. We went our different ways and gradually we stopped putting in the necessary relationship maintenance! Imagine my delight when I received a message from her through Facebook all these years later. The relationship has been restored. I’m sure many of you have also had similar experiences, and the ‘catching up’ can be such fun!

The elderly people in this study expressed many regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. They faced death missing their long lost friends.

Stay connected to friends! Think of a friend you’ve neglected and make a plan to rectify this during the coming week. It’s wonderful to journey your life with old friends with whom you have a shared history. Your friends need your friendship just as much as you need theirs!

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: friends

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