Recently my husband and I went on holiday to Taiwan, to see our son and his family.  It was mid-summer and very hot and humid. So it was a real treat spending a few days at a beach resort where swimming was like jumping into a pleasantly warm bath.

Life there is very different to South Africa where I live so I enjoyed being an ‘observer’, and soaking up the culture.

THEN ….

I gazed across into the water and saw two dogs swimming in the sea. That sounds okay doesn’t it? These dogs were Labradors, water dogs who love swimming, given half a chance. But, I couldn’t believe it that the owners had put these dogs into life-jackets. Not dog life-jackets but life-jackets designed for humans! I’ve never heard of dogs needing life jackets to get into water! (So I did get quite a surprise when I found quite a selection of ‘dogs in life-jackets’ on Google Images).  They either love water or hate water and will behave accordingly. I’d love to have known what these dogs were thinking!

This got me thinking … 

In an attempt to be helpful we can also ‘kill’ others with kindness. Fixing up other people, even if they haven’t asked for help, can make us feel worthwhile and feel good. It’s all about ourselves, actually and little to do with the other person. But, when we try fixing up people, putting them in life-jackets, when they haven’t asked, can have disastrous effects.

I wondered whether the dogs would try resisting this so-called ‘help’ from their owner? It might want to bite, but only a fool bites the hand that feeds. Maybe the thought was there!

Helping others

It’s good to help others, but not like the dog owners, insisting on helping when no help is really needed. It might make us feel needed and worthwhile but can actually harm the other person. The Labradors could even drown if their human designed life-jackets got caught on some debris. In the same way we can ‘drown’ others by creating dependence.

Some people unconsciously encourage others dependence. A clue to recognizing a person’s unhealthy need for others dependence is when they say or even complain about how much the other person ‘needs’ them, and maybe also how ungrateful the other person is.

How to help

• Believe in another person’s ability to grow and solve their own problem – the Labradors, given a chance could swim without the life-jackets!
• Don’t just go ahead and try fixing-up another person – that’s impolite and disrespectful.  Be careful! Your intentions might be good, but you’re giving the message that you know better how to live the other person’s life than they do. Don’t be surprised if the person being ‘helped’ turns round and ‘bites’ you. You’ll become the victim and will undoubtedsly become resentful of how the other person has treated you – ‘after all you’re only trying to help’. (If you recognize this situation, click here for more insights on co-dependence.)

By all means throw a life-jacket to a friend who needs it, but don’t strap a life-jacket or a strait-jacket onto a friend who doesn’t!

 

 

Dangerous situations trigger our ‘fight or flight’ reaction. We all know about the flight or flight response but I’d never really thought of it in the animal kingdom. Read on!

Rhino Slaughter

South Africa has an enormous problem with rhino poaching. These beautiful animals are killed for their horns for buyers in the East who believe the horn has magical medicinal properties. This is utter rubbish as the horn is much like fingernails which have NO medicinal qualities. Tragically the slaughter continues.

Flight or fight!

Fiona Macleod, in “Orphans get a second chance” (Mail & Guardian, South Africa, March 30 2012) talks about the Fight or Flight response in older rhino calves. The bond between the rhino mother and her calf is incredibly strong. The baby calf often doesn’t leave the dead mother and the calf is usually found covered in machete wounds.

The reaction of the older calves is interesting – they typically displayed a ‘flight or fight’ response. Some tried to charge the poachers and were regularly found with gun shot wounds, or else killed for the little stumps of their horns. Some of the other older calves just take off and keep running, so when they are found days later they have to be treated for dehydration. Really sad, isn’t it?

Self-criticism

A ‘flight or fight’ response is hard-wired into all creatures, enabling us to deal with life-threatening situations. Many people criticize themselves for how they reacted in a dangerous situation. If they run away, they criticize themselves for not having stood up and confronted the danger. If they stayed and confronted the danger, they criticize themselves for having been stupid not to have run away. And if we don’t criticize ourselves, there are many others who will do it for us! “You should have done.. ” can be a well-meaning but very unhelpful comment!

Reassure yourself that how you react in a dangerous situation comes automatically and the way you respond is the best way for you to respond! Flight or fight are both equally correct responses There is certainly NO time to think about whether  you should stay and fight, or flee! Logic has no say as your  automatic response kicks in. Don’t buy into a guilt trip of having made the wrong decision. It’s illogical and only makes you feel worse. You responded in the very best way!

Confronted by a rhino? My flight response will definitely kick in. No thinking needed as I’ll run as fast as my legs can carry me up the nearest tree!