Self-defeating Attitudes and Fears

Are you your own worst enemy?

What we think or believe affects the way we live our lives. See if any of these common self-defeating attitudes and fears apply to you. Try to work out how these attitudes just make your life a misery. Do any of these give you a light-bulb experience “that’s me!!” . If so, take note of the thought, check it out with others and really examine why this attitude might just cause you misery in the long run, why it might not be worth holding onto.

Self- defeating Attitudes and Fears

It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself.
If a person criticizes me, it means there’s something wrong with me.
I must always please people and live up to everyone’s expectations.
I am basically defective and inferior to others.
Other people are to blame for my problems.
The world should always be the way I want it to be.
Other people should always meet my expectations.
If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It’s not really safe to feel happy and optimistic.I’m hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve.
I must always try to be perfect.That’s the only way to be happy.

Actually Perfectionism can make a person very unhappy!

Can you recognize yourself in this list?

Moralistic perfectionism: I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard.

Performance perfectionism: To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do.

Identity perfectionism: People will never accept me as an imperfect vulnerable human being.

Emotional perfectionism: I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed.I must always try to be happy.

Romantic perfectionism: I must find a perfect partner and always feel infatuated with him or her.

Relationship perfectionism: People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other.

Appearance perfectionism: I look ugly because I’m slightly overweight (or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish).

Recognize yourself in any of these? I know I do!

Ask yourself

does it benefit me to hold onto this particular belief?
Is this belief really true and helpful?
What steps can I take that will allow me to rid myself of self-defeating attitudes and unrealistic and replace them with others that are more objective and more uplifting?

President Obama on ‘being perfect’

President Obama on ‘being perfect’

On ‘Being perfect’

‘We were never sent here to be perfect. We were sent here to make what difference we can’.

These words were spoken by President Obama, during the State of the Union address, urging Congress to take up measures dealing with such issues as gun control, climate change and investment in infrastructure.

Forget about being perfect – it’s a waste of precious energy. Do whatever you can to the best of your ability and you will make a difference in your world.

Perfectionism

“If you can’t do something perfectly, don’t do it at all.”

We’ve all heard this saying, either from ourselves or our perfectionist friends. We all grow up learning how to deal with the world and these beliefs get ‘hard-wired’ into our brains and guide the way we behave. So just because you believe that if you can’t do something perfectly, it’s better not to do it at all, doesn’t mean to say that it is true! Perfectionists are very prone to depression because their standards of how the world should be and how other people should be, are just not based in reality. Thinking is so often black or white, rather than in the middle gray area.

Trying to be perfect can rob one of enjoyment as well as the pleasure of trying out new activities.

If you are battling with depression one thing you could do to overcome depression is to examine your underlying thoughts. See if you can replace the thought or belief with one that is grounded more in reality. Try and think of the reasons why your belief might not be worth holding onto.

I can think of several reasons for discarding the belief “if you can’t do something perfectly, don’t do it at all.” I enjoy doing crafts and trying out new things. If the aim of my hobbies were to achieve perfection in all I do, I would have to give up before I even start! I’d achieve nothing! There is no way that I can do all I want to do ‘perfectly’. My aim is not perfection, but rather enjoyment. I’m focused on the process, not the end result. This is why perfectionists are so often procrastinators as well. In fact it is often the non-perfectionist who achieves far more in the long run than the perfectionist.

Learn to change your underlying beliefs and start enjoying life! Click here for some tips on doing this. Enjoy the ride and don’t only focus on the destination!

Procrastination and Depression

A common problem for anyone suffering from depression is ‘doing nothing’. Unfortunately this type of thinking is never going to get you better.

Thoughts Ask yourself “When I think of those tasks that I haven’t done, what thoughts come immediately to mind?” Maybe it’s thoughts like “I’m not in the mood. I’m going to fail anyway. I don’t have the energy. I’m useless. I don’t feel like doing anything so I don’t have to. I’ll just stay in bed, sleep and forget, it’s easier”. Do any of these sound familiar?

Emotions Our thoughts direct our emotions. How do these thoughts make you feel? Probably bored, tired, discouraged, overwhelmed and useless.

Behavior And then with these sorts of thoughts and emotions, it’s not surprising that ‘doing-nothing’ behavior, or procrastination, is the result! ‘Doing nothing’ convinces you that you are inadequate. And you sink further into the pit of doing nothing!

How to change the cycle

Change your behavior and prove your thoughts to be wrong! Ask yourself some pertinent questions.

Fear of failure? ‘It’s safer doing nothing than risk failing’! This is a common underlying fear of a perfectionist. Learn to enjoy the process and don’t stay fixed on outcomes.
Fear of Criticism? Doing something runs the risk of being criticized. True, but so what? Enjoy the process and stop placing other peoples criticisms in such high regard.

Just do something, however small, as any meaningful activity will give you a decent chance of improving your mood. Do it, despite not feeling like doing it. Don’t always trust your feelings. When you’re depressed you might feel like staying in bed the whole day, but it really is the worst thing for you to do!

If you want to learn more about the effects of thoughts on your behavior click here.

I highly recommend the book By David Burns called Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, illustrated in the right sidebar. It is the book that helped me enormously in my journey of overcoming depression. Click on the book image and it will take you to the Amazon site, where all of David Burns’ books are available. I have several of his books and can really recommend them all.