Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression

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Nelson Mandela (1918 – 2013)

nelsonmandela

Nelson Rolihlala Mandela

I spent much of this week watching TV on the life of our beloved Nelson Mandela. What an extraordinary man we had as our President who brought about democracy in South Africa. Humility, forgiveness, empathy and love are some of the many lessons that we can learn from this man who spent 27 years in jail and emerged as a world leader.

When I counsel I often advise people to look at themselves as an actor in their lives. The script for your life is not set in stone. You can change the script! Look at your behavior and weigh up whether the consequences are what you would like. If not… then change the script.

So I was interested to read something along these lines in an obituary written by Mark Gevisser in the Mail and Guardian (December 6-12 2013, page 4).

In prison, Mandela had time away from the spotlight he had time to think about life. Mandela “learned about human sensitivities and how to handle the fears and insecurities of others, including his Afrikaner warders. He was sensitized by his own sense of guilt about the family and friends he had used during his political career. Mandela was racked by remorse about his absence as a husband and a father. By coming to see himself as an actor – a perpetrator, if you like – as well as a victim, he developed his most admirable quality: a capacity for empathy.”

He used this ability to empathize as a strategy to get what he wanted – for himself while in prison, for his people, and for his country. Empathy is the ability to ‘walk in another person’s shoes’ and so even the prison guards were won over. And to empathize you have to be a good listener, which he was, making people feel at ease.

This ability to empathize was the root of his almost inhuman lack of bitterness and forgiveness as well as his desire for reconciliation. Bitterness which leads to anger and a lack of forgiveness would have resulted in a different couse of events in South Africa’s history. Even where goodness wasn’t evident in others, his attitude and respect to others, that is,  his empathy, elicited the goodness he knew was embodied in every person.

He used his humor to help other relax or to disarm them or both, depending on the circumstance. He did not take a step – or do a jig – without calculating the odds. For the Rugby World Cup in 1995, Mandela insisted on keeping the Springbok emblem, which was strongly associated with the white oppressors. Mandela’s bigger purpose was reconcilation and it worked, the white people of South Africa were won over by his action. Mandela thought about the consequences of his actions. He certainly was a leading actor on the world stage.

So often we get bogged down by the small details of our lives, filling them with bitterness and unforgiveness, which ultimately affect how we behave. In Mandela we have a role model who experienced the worst that life could deliver, but his attitude to life and to others meant he reached great heights.

Lessons we can learn

  • Believe that there is good in all people. Even when people appear to be trying to do you harm (like Mandela’s captors) still believe that there is good within them, a goodness that needs to be coaxed out. Empathy is what makes people feel loved and understood. Try to understand others before you try to get them to understand you.
  • Listen well and forgive. Forgiveness is for your own sake as without forgiveness, bitterness takes root which is so destructive to the human spirit.
  • Weigh the consequences of your actions. There is the well known saying “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.” WRONG ADVICE! Change that to: “If at first you don’t succeed, reevaluate what you are doing, form another strategy and then try again.”

Hamba kahle, Tata – Go well, Father!

For excellent advice on learning how to deal with anger by using empathy please click here.

 

The Joy of Honesty

We live in a culture that worships success and confidence. Mistakes are embarrassing, so we try to hide our inadequacies and vulnerabilities to appear in control. However if we’re honest about exactly who we are there’s nothing left to hide. If we accept ourselves as we are, strengths and weaknesses, it’s easier to cope with any criticisms that come our way.”Yip, that’s me!” We’re now free to listen to what the other person has to say rather than just thinking of ways to defend ourselves. Defensiveness never leads to good communication.

The truth is of course not always welcome but I’d far rather someone be honest with me if they feel I’ve done something wrong. I really don’t enjoy people putting on a fake politeness. “Oh there’s nothing wrong” they proclaim but all the body language tells me otherwise. Tell me if I’ve got spinach stuck in my teeth!

We also lie to ourselves because it can be less painful than facing up to our flaws. If we can be honest about ourselves and who we really are, the resulting emotional freedom can be truly liberating.

So it all starts in the mind and what we believe about ourselves and living life. If you make a mistake, accept it as part of being human, apologize if necessary and move on. It’s okay!

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

Click here for my related post on how to successfully deal with anger and criticism.

Planning for Success!

In this time of economic down-turn it’s even more important to plan to succeed. We all want success whether it be clinching a job interview, impressing a first date or just plain making a connection with people. These situations can be quite stressful, but for some it can feel like an insurmountable hurdle. Let me share some tips I’ve found extremely helpful.

Step 1. Get your mind right!

If you believe you’re going to fail, you probably will because our behavior matches what we believe. You’ll set yourself up for failure.

  • Talk back to that inner voice that says you’ll fail. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend. Become your best friend.
  • Start behaving like a successful person and see the change in how people react to you.

Step 2. Practice “SOLER”

The word “SOLER” is an acronym for how to successfully engage with people. I learnt it as a student social worker and have found it enormously helpful. These techniques make other people feel relaxed and comfortable.

Use the SOLER principles when relating to people no matter what the circumstances. You will impress them with your relaxed manner.

S – stands for SQUARE. Sit facing a person ‘square-on’ or just slightly off ‘square’. This shows the other person that you are giving them your full attention.

O – stands for OPEN. Body language can reveal a lot! Crossing your legs away from the other person or folding your arms puts up a barrier. Sit with your legs uncrossed, fold your hands on your lap or rest them on the arm rests, in an open posture.

L – stands for LEANING into the conversation. Slouching back in the chair gives a message of not wanting to engage. Look at couples in any restaurant. Young lovers lean into the conversation, gazing into each other’s eyes, entranced by every word that comes through their lover’s lips!  Notice those who ‘lean out’ of the conversation. Oh, the joys of being in love!!

E – stands for EYE CONTACT. Looking someone in the eye gives a message of honesty and wanting to connect. Have you ever greeted someone who gives you a fleeting greeting while looking in the other direction! It gives a message of disinterest whereas it’s probably more often a symptom of anxiety. Smile and look the person in the eye when you greet them. Focus on making them feel important and relaxed! Look at the person speaking to you. It can be quite irritating speaking to a person whose gaze is elsewhere as they convey a message of disinterest.

R – stand for RELAX. Become aware of nervous habits like shaking your legs, fiddling with your hair, or scratching your head while speaking. These habits can be quite distracting.  I tend to use a lot of hand language. I realize this is a distraction when I notice people looking at my hands rather than at me! If you’re not aware of any habit that distracts others, ask a friend who will be honest with you.

Meeting someone for the first time.

Some people stress about what to say when they first meet a person. Just remember that ‘first conversations” have the sole purpose of letting the other person know you’re interested in connecting. It’s not a time for showing off your great intelligence with profound insights. It’s really a time for making small talk about things like the weather. The intelligent stuff can come later!

Change what you believe about yourself, and start acting confident. Good luck and have a good SOLER week!!

Society Collapse – Personal Collapse?

“Collapse” by Jared Diamond makes for very interesting reading about the factors that led to the collapse of many ancient and modern societies. Some of his insights are very pertinent to running our own lives successfully.

Success or Failure?

As a society we make choices that determine whether we will succeed rather than fail. Diamond basically narrows these choices down to two that seem to have been crucial in tipping the outcome of the society towards success or failure.  These two choices are: long-term planning and a willingness to reconsider core values.

Short-term Planning

A major contributing  factor in society collapse is deforestation. Third World countries allow First World logging companies to deforest their lands because it brings in money and people are able to put food on the table. These short term ‘benefits’ cause a disastrous situation in the long-term as deforestation has ripple effects that put the society in a worse state than when they started.

  • Personal Lesson No. 1 Let go of immediate gratification in favor of long-term planning.

Core Values

The Greenland Norse (AD 1000) did not survive because they hung onto their core identity of being a European pastoral society. Trying to farm cattle in Greenland proved to be a disaster. They would have survived if they had learnt survival lessons from the Inuits.

On the other hand, Tikopia Islanders survived because they eliminated ecologically destructive pigs, even though pigs were their largest domestic animal and a status symbol.

  • Personal Lesson No. 2. It’s really pig-headed to hold onto core values that will ultimately lead to your (or the society’s) downfall.

Some more personal lessons

Long term planning

Diamond refers to “90-day thinking” which involves only focusing on issues likely to blow up in a crisis within the next 90 days. Think ahead. You are the author of your life so ask yourself what you want in the future. And then make a long term plan. A longer-term plan takes you out of short-term reactive decision-making. Psychologically speaking you won’t deforest the landscape for immediate gain.

  • Personal lesson No. 3 Face your problems. In the words of Jared Diamond, you need “the courage to practice long-term thinking, and to make bold, courageous, anticipatory decisions at a time when problems have become perceptible but before they have reached crisis proportions”. Don’t be like an ostrich, the problem won’t go away by hiding your head in the sand. Deal with your problem early on before it gains momentum and gets out of control.

Core Values

Question your values and ask yourself whether they are valid or not. Our values are learnt from our imperfect parents and imperfect society and many should be discarded. Do you do things because that’s the way your parents did it, without questioning why? That’s how sexism, racism and all those other ism’s get perpetuated in society, all justified by a value that has never been properly thought through: “that’s just the way we do it”.

Thank goodness for those brave souls who down the ages have faced the wrath of the status quo in their pursuit of justice, equality and a better world.

Long-term planning ….
Core values …
Gets one thinking doesn’t it?

Click this link to Amazon to purchase the book Collapse by Jared Diamond

It’s not about YOU!

The boss shouts at you and your mood goes south! Sound familiar? So why does it affect your mood so badly?

For a start we don’t like making mistakes and being shouted at, but hey, that’s life. We learn when we make mistakes. But our biggest mistake is then jumping to the conclusion that we are personally a failure. Your behavior doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. Actions and self-image are two different things but so often we let them contaminate each other.

It’s not about YOU!!

Abraham Lincoln knew this lesson (Time magazine – November 5, 2012). Lincoln never confused his mission with himself. He never allowed his enemies to pull down his self-esteem. “Lincoln had the hide of a rhinoceros and a rare ability to set the past aside when turning former enemies into allies“. In other words, he kept his focus on his goals and the plans to achieve those goals. His self-esteem never entered the picture and remained intact whatever happened. “To Lincoln a grudge was a waste of resources. If a person could be useful, it mattered little whether he was  friend or foe”.

Some lessons to be learnt:

  • Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you’re a mistake because you made a mistake. We learn from our mistakes. Develop the hide of a rhinoceros.
  • Don’t hold grudges. They’re a waste of time and energy.  Can you think of anyone you’re holding a grudge against? Forgive them, not for their sake but your own. Why let the unnecessary weight of unforgiveness drag you down. Be quick to forgive.
  • Focus on your goals and make a plan to achieve them.

Have a good week!

 

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