Relationships | Overcoming Depression

June 18, 2016 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Need to be needed

Do you have a need to be needed? I know I do and I know we all do! Psychology tells us that all our behavior is motivated by a need and one of our greatest needs is the ‘need to be needed‘. Last night I had a sleepless night as my mind was racing thinking about a visit I paid to an elderly friend in the morning and what she told me.

“Karin, do you know that one of the hardest things about getting old is that nobody needs you any longer. When I offer to help, the reply comes back ‘don’t worry, just relax, I can do it, put your feet up’. ‘I know the other person is meaning to be kind’ said my friend, ‘but I still want to help… I still want to feel needed… but nobody seems to need me any longer…” So the friend’s well- intentioned remarks actually come across as ‘rejection’. This is what got me thinking and having a sleepless night.

Maturity Continuum

We all start life ‘dependent‘ and nobody would argue with the fact that human infants take a very long time to become independent! Having a baby definitely meets a parent’s need to be needed! The parents’ role is to nurture the child to a place where the child or young adult is confident to make his own decisions and take care of himself. This is what independence is all about and has to be the goal of parenting. Only once that state of independence is achieved is it possible to become truly interdependent. The ability to be interdependent is a state of maturity when we are truly able to cooperate with others to achieve something that cannot be achieved independently. It’s a place where we can truly value all our differences and all opinions as being of value to our greater humanity.

However... The process doesn’t always go according to plan…

What happens when a child is brought up in a dysfunctional home, doesn’t reach a state of independence let alone interdependence, and doesn’t ever have their need to feel needed met? In my counselling experience I’ve heard many stories…

From a teenager: ‘I want to have a baby, I want someone to love me… ‘ (I want to feel needed).
A woman married to an alcoholic: ‘It made all the difficulties worth it when my husband said he’d have been in the gutter if it weren’t for me.’ (He made me feel needed). I’ve heard this one too many times. Check out my post on adult children of alcoholics.
I remember counselling a woman who suffered from severe depression and really felt she couldn’t manage without everything her mother did for her. What was really happening here? The mother was getting her need to be needed met by having a dependent ‘mentally ill’ daughter. Check out my post on co-dependence.
Another woman I counselled had been hospitalized in a psychiatric unit in a catatonic state (unable to speak or move). On investigation it turned out that she was married to a ‘control freak’. She couldn’t do anything without her husband’s permission, not even buy a lipstick without first showing her husband ‘a quote’! He was keeping her dependent thereby getting his need to be needed met. I think this happens more often than we’d like to think. Check out my post on co-dependence.
Have you heard young girls justify staying in an unsuitable love relationship with the words “but I love him and if I love him enough, he will change”. Really? Is that the right motivation to stay in a relationship? It sounds more like “with all his problems I’ll certainly feel needed and if he doesn’t listen to me, it will be his fault, after all all I’m trying to do is help”. I think the unconscious thinking is “I can get my need to be needed if I can keep him dependent on me (like a child)”. Actually warning bells always ring when I hear people say ‘I’m only trying to help’.
There are many wonderful women who are regarded as carers in the church but the children end up being quite confused and neglected. “Mom helps so many other people but I just feel that she doesn’t have time for me”. What’s going on here? Well I think it’s got more to do with meeting a need to be needed than really being caring and loving towards others. Families often take each other for granted, not really appreciating each other compared to those outside of the family.

Change your thinking!

We’re not made to stay dependent or independent but interdependent. Many people don’t want to accept help from others as they want to be independent. Is this how you respond when someone asks if they can help you. “No, don’t worry, I’ll manage, I don’t want you to worry, I know you’re busy, I don’t want to put you out of your way… Blah, blah, blah”. Did you notice that this conversation is all focused on YOU, rather than the person who’s offering the help and who’s giving you an opportunity to let them (somebody else) have a chance to feel needed.

Try and think of another scenario. “Can I help you?” (Read: please can I help you? I so much want to feel useful and needed). And you reply “Thank you so much, that’s so kind of you, I’d really appreciate some help.” The change of focus is no longer on YOU but on the other person! That’s what interdependence is all about. So my suggestion is this.

Be on the look – out for opportunities to value and appreciate others, to make others feel needed!

Life’s puzzle is far more beautiful when we all play our pieces. You know what it’s like when you do a puzzle and pieces are missing. Grrh!!

Be conscious of helping people feel needed, that includes the young and old. Their piece of the puzzle might be just what is needed to make a beautiful picture.

So getting back to my elderly friend… She realized that when she was younger she never let people help her because she wanted to stay independent. And now that’s what people were doing to her and it felt terrible! This was my advice to her. “Look at it this way. You now have the perfect opportunity to make other people feel needed, to meet their need to be needed. Just heap thanks and appreciation on anyone who wants to help you – you’re actually doing them a favor! Think of it that way, you’ve got a really important role in helping someone else get their need to be needed met.”

Having got that off my chest, I hope to sleep better tonight!

Check out my posts on the effects of critical parents, changing your partner

September 2, 2015 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Why You Can’t Rescue an Addict

When someone you care about is in trouble, it’s only natural to want to help. But there are certain kinds of problems that we can’t fix, no matter how much we want to. If someone you love is an addict or an alcoholic, for example, it’s hard to watch them get deeper and deeper into trouble, and just as hard to realize that no matter how much you want to, you just can’t rescue them from their problems.

The problem with trying to rescue an addict—by forcefully offering unwanted help—is that it usually only succeeds in pushing them further away. An addict who is confronted by a “rescuer” typically feels that they’re being judged and controlled, and tends to feel resentful and resistant. They may respond by becoming defensive or angry, which leads to the rescuer feeling hurt, rejected, and angry. Ultimately, trying to rescue someone with an addiction problem only tends to make things worse.

Why doesn’t rescuing work? Simply because it’s about trying to force someone to change, instead of allowing them the agency to choose to make changes for themselves. When someone has an addiction problem they need the space to decide whether or not they want to make changes, and if so, what those changes should be. Most of all, they need to be allowed to retain control over their own life—even when it looks like they’re making unhealthy or even dangerous choices.

What’s the alternative to rescuing? Simply asking for the opportunity to start a discussion, with a promise that there’s no judgment involved. Listen, empathize, and ask for the chance to say your piece, but do it in a way that’s neutral and non-accusatory. Ultimately, this kind of approach has a much higher chance of leading to positive changes.

Mel Thane

February 20, 2015 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Nagging your partner really doesn’t help!

Nag, nag, nag…. Do you really think nagging your partner is going to change them?

‘A nagging wife [or person] is like water going drip-drip-drip on a rainy day’ (Proverbs 27:15).

How irritating is that. It’s enough to make you want to run away and live on the roof!

‘Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife [or person]’ (Proverbs 25:24).

Have you heard the saying ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again’. What terrible advice to give anyone. How about this for better advice.

If at first you don’t succeed REVISE YOUR STRATEGY AND THEN TRY AGAIN.

No matter how much you nag your partner, it’s not going to change them. Agreed? A change of strategy is needed first.

Despite irritating behavior BELIEVE that your partner means well for you and isn’t actually out to get you with their irritating behavior. What you believe affects how you behave.
Love your partner exactly as they are.
Try focusing on their good qualities, actively showing appreciation with words and gestures. Don’t just focus on the negative. Try ignoring these for a while.

FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR

What behavior is it exactly that irritates you? Telling your partner that they’re thoughtless or inconsiderate or selfish or anything else like this doesn’t give your partner any clue as to what you’d like them to do differently.

Let’s try an example:

“You’re so thoughtless you never think of me, you just watch TV all the time”.

In your opinion your partner might be watching too much TV, but that’s your opinion and you won’t get any change with accusations like this. Try to stick to “I feel statements” WITHOUT BLAME.

“I feel ……. (name your feeling) when you ….. (name the behavior) ……. because ……”

“I feel unloved when you carry on watching TV while I’m trying to talk to you because I’d really like to have some quality talk time with you.”

Much better! Now you can negotiate any behavior change and come to an agreement.

And please don’t say things like “My partner SHOULD know by now, I don’t know why I have to keep on repeating myself!” That fact that they might not remember is not an indication of their not loving you rather an indication of their forgetfulness. Just repeat yourself as if it’s the first time.

January 12, 2014 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Love your Inner Child

I came across this amazing series of photos, “Imagine Finding Me” by the Japanese London – based photographer Chino Otsuka. With incredible skill she digitally inserts herself into old photos, so that she is standing next to her younger self.

The images got me thinking about “the inner child” ...

We were all children, that’s a no-brainer but what most of us are not aware of is that we still have that child living within us. Whenever you think, feel or behave in a way you did when you were a child, it is your inner child that is acting out. A lack of awareness of your inner child will leave you wondering where so many of your behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from. Usually they can be traced back to your “inner child” acting out.

Ask yourself…

You’re an adult, but have you really grown up?
Is your unconscious inner child, the emotionally wounded, hurting child, controlling or influencing your adult life, trying to make your adult decisions?

For many it is a hurt, fearful angry little boy or girl (in an adult body) who is making adult decisions. No wonder our relationships go wrong, and then we feel anxious, insecure and inferior, all the feelings we had as little children when we did something “wrong”.

Can you recognize behavior or reactions that you don’t like, that could possibly stem from an inner child deciding how you should react? What about temper tantrums, sulking or plain irrational behavior. These behaviors might be appropriate for a child, but they’re definitely not appropriate for an adult -your inner child is acting out and having control!

Action Plan

1. Become conscious of your inner child. learn to recognize when the inner child is directing how you behave.
2. You have two ways of reacting to your inner child.

Hate: You can get cross with yourself, with your inner child, just as your parent did to you when you were little and did something wrong. Isn’t it true that we so often hear the reprimands of our parents in our minds. You can carry on hating and blaming your inner child for all your ills and remain a helpless victim. You can futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling your infantile needs, but this is also doomed to failure.

Love: It is only through loving your inner child that this child will ‘grow up’. Take your inner child seriously, consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within. Listen to how they feel and what they need. Unfortunately for most of us, certain infantile needs were, maliciously or not, unmet by our imperfect parents and they never will be. A child grows up when it receives proper parental supervision, protection and support. But the only parent who can now do this is YOU, the Adult you.

Visualization: When the inner child reacts badly, reassure your inner child. Close your eyes and visualize yourself holding hands with a little version of yourself. Call that child “Little ….. (insert your name)” and talk to that child in a loving non-judgemental way eg. “Little John. it’s okay you were trying your best, it didn’t quite work out, but don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you and together we will try again next time… we’ll keep practicing, til together, we get it right….)

The process of healing is a journey and not a quick fix and I wish you well on your recovery. If you want to ask me any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask something in the coment box.

For more on the inner child click here.

To see more of the amazing pictures of the adult Chino Otsuka inserted into the childhood photos of herself click here

December 15, 2013 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Nelson Mandela (1918 – 2013)

I spent much of this week watching TV on the life of our beloved Nelson Mandela. What an extraordinary man we had as our President who brought about democracy in South Africa. Humility, forgiveness, empathy and love are some of the many lessons that we can learn from this man who spent 27 years in jail and emerged as a world leader.

When I counsel I often advise people to look at themselves as an actor in their lives. The script for your life is not set in stone. You can change the script! Look at your behavior and weigh up whether the consequences are what you would like. If not… then change the script.

So I was interested to read something along these lines in an obituary written by Mark Gevisser in the Mail and Guardian (December 6-12 2013, page 4).

In prison, Mandela had time away from the spotlight he had time to think about life. Mandela “learned about human sensitivities and how to handle the fears and insecurities of others, including his Afrikaner warders. He was sensitized by his own sense of guilt about the family and friends he had used during his political career. Mandela was racked by remorse about his absence as a husband and a father. By coming to see himself as an actor – a perpetrator, if you like – as well as a victim, he developed his most admirable quality: a capacity for empathy.”

He used this ability to empathize as a strategy to get what he wanted – for himself while in prison, for his people, and for his country. Empathy is the ability to ‘walk in another person’s shoes’ and so even the prison guards were won over. And to empathize you have to be a good listener, which he was, making people feel at ease.

This ability to empathize was the root of his almost inhuman lack of bitterness and forgiveness as well as his desire for reconciliation. Bitterness which leads to anger and a lack of forgiveness would have resulted in a different couse of events in South Africa’s history. Even where goodness wasn’t evident in others, his attitude and respect to others, that is, his empathy, elicited the goodness he knew was embodied in every person.

He used his humor to help other relax or to disarm them or both, depending on the circumstance. He did not take a step – or do a jig – without calculating the odds. For the Rugby World Cup in 1995, Mandela insisted on keeping the Springbok emblem, which was strongly associated with the white oppressors. Mandela’s bigger purpose was reconcilation and it worked, the white people of South Africa were won over by his action. Mandela thought about the consequences of his actions. He certainly was a leading actor on the world stage.

So often we get bogged down by the small details of our lives, filling them with bitterness and unforgiveness, which ultimately affect how we behave. In Mandela we have a role model who experienced the worst that life could deliver, but his attitude to life and to others meant he reached great heights.

Lessons we can learn

Believe that there is good in all people. Even when people appear to be trying to do you harm (like Mandela’s captors) still believe that there is good within them, a goodness that needs to be coaxed out. Empathy is what makes people feel loved and understood. Try to understand others before you try to get them to understand you.
Listen well and forgive. Forgiveness is for your own sake as without forgiveness, bitterness takes root which is so destructive to the human spirit.
Weigh the consequences of your actions. There is the well known saying “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.” WRONG ADVICE! Change that to: “If at first you don’t succeed, reevaluate what you are doing, form another strategy and then try again.”

Hamba kahle, Tata – Go well, Father!

For excellent advice on learning how to deal with anger by using empathy please click here.