Blog | Overcoming Depression

June 18, 2016 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Need to be needed

Do you have a need to be needed? I know I do and I know we all do! Psychology tells us that all our behavior is motivated by a need and one of our greatest needs is the ‘need to be needed‘. Last night I had a sleepless night as my mind was racing thinking about a visit I paid to an elderly friend in the morning and what she told me.

“Karin, do you know that one of the hardest things about getting old is that nobody needs you any longer. When I offer to help, the reply comes back ‘don’t worry, just relax, I can do it, put your feet up’. ‘I know the other person is meaning to be kind’ said my friend, ‘but I still want to help… I still want to feel needed… but nobody seems to need me any longer…” So the friend’s well- intentioned remarks actually come across as ‘rejection’. This is what got me thinking and having a sleepless night.

Maturity Continuum

We all start life ‘dependent‘ and nobody would argue with the fact that human infants take a very long time to become independent! Having a baby definitely meets a parent’s need to be needed! The parents’ role is to nurture the child to a place where the child or young adult is confident to make his own decisions and take care of himself. This is what independence is all about and has to be the goal of parenting. Only once that state of independence is achieved is it possible to become truly interdependent. The ability to be interdependent is a state of maturity when we are truly able to cooperate with others to achieve something that cannot be achieved independently. It’s a place where we can truly value all our differences and all opinions as being of value to our greater humanity.

However... The process doesn’t always go according to plan…

What happens when a child is brought up in a dysfunctional home, doesn’t reach a state of independence let alone interdependence, and doesn’t ever have their need to feel needed met? In my counselling experience I’ve heard many stories…

From a teenager: ‘I want to have a baby, I want someone to love me… ‘ (I want to feel needed).
A woman married to an alcoholic: ‘It made all the difficulties worth it when my husband said he’d have been in the gutter if it weren’t for me.’ (He made me feel needed). I’ve heard this one too many times. Check out my post on adult children of alcoholics.
I remember counselling a woman who suffered from severe depression and really felt she couldn’t manage without everything her mother did for her. What was really happening here? The mother was getting her need to be needed met by having a dependent ‘mentally ill’ daughter. Check out my post on co-dependence.
Another woman I counselled had been hospitalized in a psychiatric unit in a catatonic state (unable to speak or move). On investigation it turned out that she was married to a ‘control freak’. She couldn’t do anything without her husband’s permission, not even buy a lipstick without first showing her husband ‘a quote’! He was keeping her dependent thereby getting his need to be needed met. I think this happens more often than we’d like to think. Check out my post on co-dependence.
Have you heard young girls justify staying in an unsuitable love relationship with the words “but I love him and if I love him enough, he will change”. Really? Is that the right motivation to stay in a relationship? It sounds more like “with all his problems I’ll certainly feel needed and if he doesn’t listen to me, it will be his fault, after all all I’m trying to do is help”. I think the unconscious thinking is “I can get my need to be needed if I can keep him dependent on me (like a child)”. Actually warning bells always ring when I hear people say ‘I’m only trying to help’.
There are many wonderful women who are regarded as carers in the church but the children end up being quite confused and neglected. “Mom helps so many other people but I just feel that she doesn’t have time for me”. What’s going on here? Well I think it’s got more to do with meeting a need to be needed than really being caring and loving towards others. Families often take each other for granted, not really appreciating each other compared to those outside of the family.

Change your thinking!

We’re not made to stay dependent or independent but interdependent. Many people don’t want to accept help from others as they want to be independent. Is this how you respond when someone asks if they can help you. “No, don’t worry, I’ll manage, I don’t want you to worry, I know you’re busy, I don’t want to put you out of your way… Blah, blah, blah”. Did you notice that this conversation is all focused on YOU, rather than the person who’s offering the help and who’s giving you an opportunity to let them (somebody else) have a chance to feel needed.

Try and think of another scenario. “Can I help you?” (Read: please can I help you? I so much want to feel useful and needed). And you reply “Thank you so much, that’s so kind of you, I’d really appreciate some help.” The change of focus is no longer on YOU but on the other person! That’s what interdependence is all about. So my suggestion is this.

Be on the look – out for opportunities to value and appreciate others, to make others feel needed!

Life’s puzzle is far more beautiful when we all play our pieces. You know what it’s like when you do a puzzle and pieces are missing. Grrh!!

Be conscious of helping people feel needed, that includes the young and old. Their piece of the puzzle might be just what is needed to make a beautiful picture.

So getting back to my elderly friend… She realized that when she was younger she never let people help her because she wanted to stay independent. And now that’s what people were doing to her and it felt terrible! This was my advice to her. “Look at it this way. You now have the perfect opportunity to make other people feel needed, to meet their need to be needed. Just heap thanks and appreciation on anyone who wants to help you – you’re actually doing them a favor! Think of it that way, you’ve got a really important role in helping someone else get their need to be needed met.”

Having got that off my chest, I hope to sleep better tonight!

Check out my posts on the effects of critical parents, changing your partner

September 2, 2015 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Why You Can’t Rescue an Addict

When someone you care about is in trouble, it’s only natural to want to help. But there are certain kinds of problems that we can’t fix, no matter how much we want to. If someone you love is an addict or an alcoholic, for example, it’s hard to watch them get deeper and deeper into trouble, and just as hard to realize that no matter how much you want to, you just can’t rescue them from their problems.

The problem with trying to rescue an addict—by forcefully offering unwanted help—is that it usually only succeeds in pushing them further away. An addict who is confronted by a “rescuer” typically feels that they’re being judged and controlled, and tends to feel resentful and resistant. They may respond by becoming defensive or angry, which leads to the rescuer feeling hurt, rejected, and angry. Ultimately, trying to rescue someone with an addiction problem only tends to make things worse.

Why doesn’t rescuing work? Simply because it’s about trying to force someone to change, instead of allowing them the agency to choose to make changes for themselves. When someone has an addiction problem they need the space to decide whether or not they want to make changes, and if so, what those changes should be. Most of all, they need to be allowed to retain control over their own life—even when it looks like they’re making unhealthy or even dangerous choices.

What’s the alternative to rescuing? Simply asking for the opportunity to start a discussion, with a promise that there’s no judgment involved. Listen, empathize, and ask for the chance to say your piece, but do it in a way that’s neutral and non-accusatory. Ultimately, this kind of approach has a much higher chance of leading to positive changes.

Mel Thane

June 7, 2015 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Your words have power

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth….” (Genesis 1).

God said, “Let there be light….
And God said, “Let there be an expanse between the waters…” (sky)
And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.”
And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from night…”

In the Biblical account of creation, everything came into existence because God spoke creation into being, God said….. Words have power!

At the moment I’m enjoying reading ‘Return to Me‘, a Biblical historical novel by Lynn Austin.
She writes…. “We’re made in the Holy One’s image, so our words also have power. You tell someone they’re ugly or that they’re a fool, and if you repeat it often enough, you might create ugliness or foolishness in that person. You praise them for their goodness or kindness, and your words just might create even more kindness in that person. We must be careful to speak words of life.”

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit”.
Proverbs 18:21
The spoken word has the power of life and death… Many lives have been ruined because of verbal abuse as the person who receives the abuse often believes that to be the truth, rather than that they are precious and made in the image of God. And the consequence is rather sad because our behavior always matches what we believe about ourselves. We have the awesome power to create life in others.

“If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”.
Romans 10:9.
Did you realize that your spoken word had so much power?

Click here for more Bible references on the power of spoken word.

June 2, 2015 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Taking a leap forward!

Fearful of change? Fearful of failure? What holds you back from trying something new?

I live in South Africa and my one son lives in Taiwan. I love visiting him and his Taiwanese family… but language is a problem! You can only get so far with smiling, nodding and thumbs up signs. So last year I decided it was time to learn Mandarin. Alan from FluentU gave these insights into learning a new language. Whether it be a new language or any other skill you’re learning, bear these tips in mind – change the way you think and embrace life!

To succeed you need to develop what self-help gurus call a GROWTH MINDSET instead of a FIXED MINDSET.

The FIXED MINDSET says: “Are you sure you can do it? Maybe you don’t have the talent.”
The GROWTH MINDSET says: “Maybe I can’t do it now, but I can learn to with time and effort.”

The FIXED MINDSET says: “What if you fail? You’ll be a failure.”
The GROWTH MINDSET says: “Failures pave the way to success.”

The FIXED MINDSET says: “If you don’t try, you can protect yourself and keep your dignity.”
The GROWTH MINDSET says: “If I don’t try, I fail automatically. Where’s the dignity in that?”

It can be a very humbling experience learning something new because of a fear of failure. Learn to embrace and appreciate each mistake as a precious opportunity to improve. Learning from your mistakes, rather than allowing them to cripple you, puts you on a fantastic learning curve. Then start practicing your new skill as well as reminding yourself of your new growth mindset.

February 20, 2015 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Nagging your partner really doesn’t help!

Nag, nag, nag…. Do you really think nagging your partner is going to change them?

‘A nagging wife [or person] is like water going drip-drip-drip on a rainy day’ (Proverbs 27:15).

How irritating is that. It’s enough to make you want to run away and live on the roof!

‘Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife [or person]’ (Proverbs 25:24).

Have you heard the saying ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again’. What terrible advice to give anyone. How about this for better advice.

If at first you don’t succeed REVISE YOUR STRATEGY AND THEN TRY AGAIN.

No matter how much you nag your partner, it’s not going to change them. Agreed? A change of strategy is needed first.

Despite irritating behavior BELIEVE that your partner means well for you and isn’t actually out to get you with their irritating behavior. What you believe affects how you behave.
Love your partner exactly as they are.
Try focusing on their good qualities, actively showing appreciation with words and gestures. Don’t just focus on the negative. Try ignoring these for a while.

FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR

What behavior is it exactly that irritates you? Telling your partner that they’re thoughtless or inconsiderate or selfish or anything else like this doesn’t give your partner any clue as to what you’d like them to do differently.

Let’s try an example:

“You’re so thoughtless you never think of me, you just watch TV all the time”.

In your opinion your partner might be watching too much TV, but that’s your opinion and you won’t get any change with accusations like this. Try to stick to “I feel statements” WITHOUT BLAME.

“I feel ……. (name your feeling) when you ….. (name the behavior) ……. because ……”

“I feel unloved when you carry on watching TV while I’m trying to talk to you because I’d really like to have some quality talk time with you.”

Much better! Now you can negotiate any behavior change and come to an agreement.

And please don’t say things like “My partner SHOULD know by now, I don’t know why I have to keep on repeating myself!” That fact that they might not remember is not an indication of their not loving you rather an indication of their forgetfulness. Just repeat yourself as if it’s the first time.