Approval | Overcoming Depression

Making friends with those voices in your head

Eleanor Longden

‘During her freshman year of college, Eleanor Longden began hearing voices in her head: a narrator describing her actions as she went about her day.

Diagnosed with schizophrenia, Longden began what she describes as a “psychic civil war,” fighting to stop the voices as they became antagonistic. What helped her was something unexpected: making peace with them. By learning to see the voices as a source of insight rather than a symptom, Longden took control’.

Hearing voices in your head is a common symptom of schizophrenia and must be disturbing for the sufferer. However, what I find interesting is that the turning point was when she stopped fighting with those voices and made peace with them. She started listening to them as though they were separate individuals with opinions and insights.

Many parts make up a ‘whole’ person

We all have many parts to ourselves. There’s a part that’s critical, there’s a part that wants to please others, a part that focuses on negative events and a part of us that is playful. All these aspects make us into a ‘whole’ person. Often there are parts of ourselves that we find unacceptable and try to deny. We try to split these off from from ourselves in an attempt to appear perfect. It really doesn’t work. We waste so much energy when we try to create an illusion of who are, an illusion that we think others will find more acceptable.

Listening to our thoughts

Our thoughts, or our self-talk will give us clues about those denied parts of ourselves.

Do you ever find yourself saying ‘where on earth did THAT thought come from?’

Listen to that thought! It could be telling you something about yourself. When you accept who you are with your ‘good’ and ‘bad’ parts, you’re able to do something about it. You become healthier, even if you don’t like what you discover. Staying in denial will get you nowhere and the stress will make you ill.

The role of Stress

Longden says that the voices in her head become more active when she is under emotional stress. For a person prone to depression stress is also a trigger for negative thinking. Stress affects the thinking neurons. Listen to your thoughts, not as if they’re the gospel truth, but rather as ‘entities’ presenting themselves and their opinion to you. If the thought is robbing you of happiness, acknowledge that the thought is there but then decide not to act on that thought. You might not be able to control the thoughts that come into your head, but you are in control of how you act out those thoughts.

A friend told me the story of a man who she had worked with. He had no time for anyone with depression, but he was obviously deeply depressed himself. He vehemently denied this as he wanted to maintain an illusion of being perfect. The stress became too great and he committed suicide.

Would it not have been better for him to accept the ‘depression’ as a part of himself and get treatment, rather than take his own life?

HOWEVER…

If a person can’t accept you as you are, it really is the OTHER person who has the problem, not you. Remind yourself of that fact whenever you feel judged. The most important person to accept you as you are, is yourself!

Click here to read the full article about Eleanor Longden
Click here to find out more about Cognitive Therapy, with very important tools on learning how to change the way you think.

Stop child depression developing

Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

“You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
“Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
“You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
“Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.

Stop pretending – J.K.Rowling

Recently, while helping out at an Old Age Home, I asked a group of the residents if there was one piece of advice about living that they would give to a younger person.

“What do you mean?” the one lady asked.
“Well when I was young” I replied, “I was so worried about what people would think about me, so I always tried to do the ‘right’ thing, do what people expected of me”.
“Oh, yes! We know all about that” they replied.
“To heck with what other people think, you’ve got to be true to yourself.” answered one the ladies quite vehemently. “Live your life and enjoy your life. Relax and stop worrying about how other people think you should live your life.”

It was the vehemence of the reply that gave me quite a surprise!

I found the following quote from “The Casual Vacancy” by J.K. Rowling in the Time Magazine, October 8, 2012. It gives a similar message.

“The mistake 99% of humanity made, as far as Fats could see, was being ashamed of what they were; lying about it, trying to be somebody else. Honesty was Fats’ currency, his weapon and defense. It frightened people when you were honest it shocked them. Other people, Fats had discovered, were mired in embarrassment and pretense, terrified that their truths might leak out, but Fats was attracted by rawness, by everything that was ugly but honest, by the dirty things about which the likes of his father felt humiliated and disgusted.”

The sooner we come to terms with who we are and start ‘liking’ the unique person that we are, the sooner we’ll live life to the full. Self-love and self-acceptance (not selfishness) are very attractive attributes. I really don’t enjoy the company of people who try to pretend they’re perfect, somebody they’re not. One just senses straight away that there’s something fake going on.

And come to think of it, who sets the standard of what is perfect?
Certainly not any other human being! The only way to be perfect is to be true to yourself. Some might not like it, but that’s their loss. Be yourself and stop pretending!

And by the way, the Casual Vacancy by R.K.Rowling was well reviewed in the Time Magazine article. Click here to see the book on Amazon.

My Way is the Right Way!

What do you think of ….

Men who have a Mohawk and even, wear make-up?
What thoughts are triggered?
Cool? Disgusting? Men shouldn’t wear make-up? Stupid? Or even, fantastic, but rather a high maintenance style to keep up.

For older readers, how would you feel about your daughter dating a man with this type of fashion style?

What do you think about women with tattoos or piercings?

Age will undoubtedly affect your opinion. If you’re part of the older generation you might believe that tattoos are only for sailors – definitely not for women, or ‘cultured’ people.

What about someone who wears funny shoes like these in public?

Are you sure your opinion, judgement or stereotypical thoughts are absolutely right??

‘One of the major blocks to creativity is the feeling of knowing you are right. When we think we are absolutely right we stop seeking new information. To be right is to be certain, and to be certain stops us from being curious. Curiosity and wonder are at the heart of all learning’ (Bradshaw 1988:8).

Many people believe they’re absolutely right in their opinions about how others should live their lives as well. And if a person thinks they are absolutely right they are not going to show much tolerance towards anyone who goes against the norm.

How this sense of shame at being truly individual develops.

Part of being human is to be able to identify with other humans, usually our parents. This gives us a sense of security and protection. However if a child constantly gets the message that there is something wrong with their uniqueness they will develop a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being.

A lack of self-trust develops and the child learns to guard their thoughts and feelings so others don’t see that they are worthless. The role models opinions then get internalized as being correct, as the child mirrors their behavior and opinions. Not to do so, in the child’s mind, would risk possible abandonment, which is not an option for a child.

Parents who are shut down emotionally, having had their own emotions shamed, cannot mirror and affirm their child’s emotions. It is hugely beneficial for good psychological development for a child to have parents or caregivers mirror their emotions. This really involves giving a name to how the child feels and showing acceptance of those feelings as being valid. This leads to self-acceptance and acceptance of others even if they are different.

For example, when a child is angry, it is better for the parent to mirror the emotion by saying something like, ‘I can see that you’re really angry at what happened, please tell me more of what is going on’. Of course a parent who is emotionally shut down would probably just shout at the child for being angry and behaving badly, being unable to mirror the child’s emotions.

Unfortunately parents so often tell their children that it’s ‘bad’ to feel particular feelings, (eg. anger), telling them that they ‘don’t really feel that way’. Shaming a child’s emotions results in the child being unable to trust their emotions and leads to shame.

Psychological Health

A good definition of psychological health is when you are able to accept yourself and others exactly as you are, with your strengths and weakness.

Now that’s a tall order for many of us!
If you want to be psychologically healthy bear this definition in mind. When you are faced with a behavior that you cannot accept ask yourself:

‘Why is it difficult for me to accept the ‘different-ness’ of the other person?’
‘Does it reflect something about me that stirs up shame in me?’ It is difficult seeing other people displaying behavior that you internalized as being shameful and unacceptable.

I am obviously not talking about hurtful, criminal behavior which is obviously unacceptable but rather the various types of behavior that we see everyday.

What are your personal stereotypes? Do these beliefs need re-examining to see if you really do have the absolute truth about what is acceptable or not?

Do Mohawks, tattoos, funny shoes etc really cause harm to society?? I think not!

I can highly recommend the book I quoted.
John Bradshaw, ‘Healing the shame that binds you’, available through Amazon.

The Sunday Roast

Have you heard this story about the Sunday roast?

Tarryn: “Is there a reason you cut the roast in half before putting it in the oven? Some sort of new recipe?”
Sue: “No, that’s the way my Mom always did it, so I’m just doing it the same way…. “Come to think of it I should ask her why, I never thought of that before.”

Sue: “Hey Mom, is there a reason that you always cut the roast in half before putting it in the oven.”
Mom: “No, that’s the way Gran always did it when I was growing up. I just carried on doing the same.” Better ask Gran for the reason.”

Sue: “Hey Gran, Mom said that you always cut the Sunday roast in half before putting it in the oven. I’m interested, was there a reason for this?”
Gran: “Oh yes, my dear, there was a very good reason. My oven in those days was so small. That was the only way the roast would fit into the oven. You’re so fortunate nowadays with your huge ovens!”

Belief systems. How often do we do things because ‘that’s the way it’s always done’ without really knowing why. As we grow up we learn all sorts of ‘beliefs’ about how to deal with life. Some common beliefs are:

‘If I can’t do something perfectly, better not do it at all.’
‘I must always do what other people expect of me, I can’t say no because then they won’t like me.’
‘Children are to be seen and not heard’ becomes a belief in adulthood that ‘nobody will be interested in what I have to say, so I better keep quiet.’
‘My mother is always right! (mmh!)

Examine your beliefs. I could make a very long list of all sorts of beliefs like this, but I’m sure you can think of some beliefs that you have about dealing with life. They could be helpful beliefs or not.

Write them down and then make a point of examining the belief and whether it’s worth holding onto. Ask a friend what they think about your belief. Is this the sort of advice you would give to a close friend.

If you asked me about the belief ‘If you can’t do something perfectly, better not do it at all’, I’d have to say I totally disagree. This is perfectionist thinking. There are so many things I enjoy doing but very few, if any, that I do perfectly. So why rob myself of enjoying what I do in a quest for perfection.

Actually, the teen years and 20’s is the usual time to re-examine the beliefs that you took for granted as being right while growing up. Some you keep and some you throw out as not being for you.

Some people skip this stage and carry on living according to others expectations. This is unhealthy so it is often depression that forces a person to deal with the dilemma of … WHO AM I ? … for the first time. That’s good and healthy!! It’s time to become your own person, a special unique person. The process can be hard as not everyone’s going to be happy that you just don’t just fall in line with their expectations anymore.

Persevere. A good place to start:

Every time someone says something that gives you a physical reaction, like a thump in the stomach or chest, don’t let that feeling go unchecked.
Ask yourself why you had that reaction. Does it tell you about some belief that you should or shouldn’t have? Do some detective work.
When you’ve deciphered a belief, ask yourself if that belief is helpful and even if it is true.
If it’s unhelpful, give it marching orders!

Socrates said that ‘an un-examined life is not worth living.’ Examine your beliefs, and free yourself from the shackles of other people’s beliefs and expectations!