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Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression

Karin Stewart

How the word ‘SHOULD’ triggers anger!

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Have you ever given thought to how particular words can trigger a mood or a reaction. The word ‘should’ is one of these words and usually triggers feelings of anger, guilt and resentment.

Watch out for the word ‘should’!
When I am counselling couples with marital problems, I watch out for how often the word ‘should’ comes up in the conversation. In a relationship full of anger, it comes up frequently! When the effects of the ‘should’ word are understood and banned from the conversation there is often a turnabout in the relationship. Worth looking into!!

  • He should know what I want by now! After all we’ve been married for over 10 years.
  • You should have just told the boss you weren’t happy about what happened.

The problem with the should word is the implication that a different reality would have been better. But actually that reality doesn’t exist. Yes, it might be better to have done a particular thing differently, but you only know this with hindsight. We know that hindsight is best sight. Surely we all do thing the way we think is best at the time?

Perfectionism
‘Should’ is the problem word of the perfectionist, unable to accept an imperfect situation, wanting a different reality. Actually wanting one that doesn’t exist.
‘Should’ is the problem word of the person who wants to be in control. I’m sure you know the feeling when you share a problem with a friend and are told what you should have done. How does this make you feel? The common feeling is one of anger and resentment because the implication is that they know better how to live your life. Live your life according to their instructions and all will be well.  Grrh!! And all you really wanted was a listening ear!

Telling people what they ‘should’ do can also make them dig in their heels. They’re really reacting to your insinuation that they don’t know how to lead their lives.

Telling yourself what you ‘should’ have done often leads to a feeling of guilt. Guilt for not having done things perfectly, criticizing yourself from the advantage of hindsight.

My ‘Should’ Student
A few years back I was lecturing and a student came to me very upset. Her gran had died and she wasn’t with her at the time. The student felt guilty. Whenever I hear anger, guilt or resentment, I look out for the word ‘should’ because it’s usually lurking there somewhere. I was right!

  • “I should have been with my gran when she died,” said Patricia. – The truth is that Patricia wasn’t there because how could she foresee that gran was going to die that night. It would be better and less emotionally charged to accept the facts.  “I wish I had been with my gran when she died” is far more accepting of reality.
  • “My friends shouldn’t have invited me to the movies. If they hadn’t I would have been with my gran”, was her next comment. That thought led to anger towards her friends. Think of a less emotive statement for this one, rather than a blaming one.

Should directed to others results in resentment and anger.
Should directed to yourself leads to guilt. Constantly telling yourself what you should do is a bit like whipping yourself to get yourself moving.

Solution!
Replace the word ‘should’, with the phrase ‘it would have been nice if … ‘ The  word ‘nice’ might sound corny but it really works. Using my example above saying ‘it would have nice if I had been with my gran when she died’ is certainly far less guilt provoking than ‘I should have…. ‘

For myself, as soon as I feel a sense of anger rising up in me, I look out for that ‘should’ word. If someone is telling me what I ‘should’ be doing and I start feeling angry, I immediately reword what they have said in my mind. I treat it as a suggestion rather than an instruction. I am then able to thank them for the ‘suggestion’ and tell them that I’ll give it some thought. I am then in control of deciding what I want to do rather than feeling controlled by the other person.

Watch out for the ‘should’ word, let it go and accept yourself and others for exactly who you are. See what a difference it makes.

 

Who is making you angry?!

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Maybe it’s the barking dogs, noisy neighbors, or some other idiot who makes you angry! If you’re prone to anger, you probably convinced its other people’s stupid, self-centred behavior that makes you angry. It’s perfectly natural to assume someone else is the cause of your bad feelings.

‘You’re annoying me! You’re getting on my nerves! You’re making me angry!’ When we’re mad with someone we tend to blame them. However when you think like this, you’re fooling yourself. Other people can’t really make you angry. I can see you throwing up your hands in disbelief. In the last post I said how angry I got with bad mini-bus taxi-drivers. But no matter how unfair others seems to be they cannot make you angry. Sorry to disappoint you but you’re the one who is creating all the outrage you feel!

Anger, like all our other emotions is created by our thoughts. Your feelings are a result of the meaning you give to the experience, not from the event itself.

Let’s look at some examples. After a hectic day, you put your 2 year old to sleep in his crib for the night. What a relief! And now you’re looking forward to some quiet time of relaxation watching the TV. Twenty minutes later guess who appears at the living room door, giggling with delight? Your toddler, who has now managed to crawl out of his crib for the first time. How would you react to this situation. You could respond in one of several ways depending on the meaning you attach to the experience.

Maybe you respond something like this: “Oh drat, Why  can’t he stay in bed and behave like he should? He never gives me a moment’s rest.”
OR
“Wow, that’s terrific, he’s just crawled out of his crib all on his own. He’s growing up!!”

Your mood is a direct consequence of the meaning you give to the situation.

Yes, you might say, but when I get angry it’s really justified. Maybe you’re right BUT sometimes the consequences of an angry outburst could do more harm in the long run. You inflict pain on yourself when you’re angry and this pain could be far worse than the pain caused by the original ‘wound’.

When you’re angry, ask yourself if you’re blowing things out of all proportion – this is very common. You exaggerate the importance of what has happened. For example you might be the punctual one in a relationship but your partner isn’t. It’s now 5 minutes after you should have left and you’re pacing up and down. “I can’t take this any longer”, you start muttering and the blood pressure rises and you blow up! Well, that’s an exaggeration, since you are ‘taking it’.

Often anger is a result of wanting things done our way (obviously the right way!) When someone reacts very differently to you, try and work out what meaning they are attaching to the situation. This will give you a  greater understanding of the other person and could help to dilute your anger.

Anger is often the result of using the word ‘should’. Do me a favor and watch out for all the times you use or hear the word ‘should’. You will notice that when the ‘should’ word is used, you will find ‘anger’ lurking round the corner reading to do some nasty work . I know of many marriages that have been saved once the partners gave up on the ‘should’ word … but more of that in my next post.

 

Mad as Hell!!

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How do you react when someone makes you angry? Do you come out ‘guns-a-blazin’ ready to annihilate the other person?
Or do you sulk and and give the cold shoulder.
Neither of these ways will result in a successful outcome. Read on …

South African Taxi-drivers
 I live in South Africa and our taxi-drivers make me really mad! I’m not talking about your regular cab-driver but mini-bus taxi drivers. Mini-bus taxis are the main transport for thousands of South Africans. They drive dangerously and are a law unto themselves. Driving through red traffic lights and overtaking on solid white lines are minor transgressions. Most road deaths here are from accidents involving these mini-bus taxis.

A time when I was as Mad as Hell!
I was fetching my daughter from school when I was caught in a minor traffic jam. A bit of patience and we’d get through without huge delays. I was chilling out when I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the taxi behind me starting to overtake me on a solid white line and on a blind corner. I was furious! No ways was I going to let him in and I quickly closed the gap between me and the car in front.

I soon changed my mind! My blood pressure was rising and I realised that I wouldn’t win. Taxi-drivers here don’t mind dents in their vehicles, but I do. I could see he was trying to push me off the road. I gave up and let him in but was still very angry!

Thinking further down the line!
I then thought that my determination not to let him in, could possibly contribute to a terrible accident. What if he collided head-on with an innocent motorist  coming round the corner. That sort of accident could be averted if I just let him in. So even though I had a right to be angry, and felt justified not letting him in, I had to think a bit further down the road about the possible consequences of my behavior? (I wish he had done the same.)

Although innocent I had to take responsibility for how my angry reaction could aggravate the situation.

THREE WAYS TO RESPOND TO ANGER!

  • The ‘Mad’ route
  • The ‘Sad’ route
  • The ‘Glad’ route. Why ‘Glad’? Well, ‘glad’ rhymes with mad and sad and so is easy to remember! We need to aim for the ‘Glad route’ where everyone ends up happy.

The Mad Route
When someone criticizes you do you attack them back?  Many people justify their angry outbursts by saying ‘that’s the way I am – I blow up and then it’s all over’. However, that sounds like a shotgun firing, and what about the damage that’s left behind? The implication of this kind of remark is that you’re not responsible for your behavior.

If you get mad when someone criticizes you the implication is that you’re perfect and don’t make mistakes. ‘How dare so-and-so criticize me, the perfect one!’ By the way an anger response is very common to a perfectionist..

Getting ‘mad’ badly affects your joy and health. Excessive anger leads to raised blood pressure and a possible heart attack as well. It causes anxiety for those around you. We can conclude that a knee-jerk ‘mad’ response is a BAD IDEA!

The Sad route
When someone is angry with you do you have a ‘pity-party’? Poor me! Or maybe you withdraw, give the cold shoulder, or the silent treatment for a few days. The problem with this type of response is that it is very manipulative. Getting mad is an active anger response, withdrawing is a passive anger response. It is not loving and actually quite self-centred.

Bottling up your anger can lead to bitterness and poisons the system. You can bet your bottom dollar it will find release somewhere, even after a very long time. I have heard people spew out long built up resentment and it’s not pleasant. A bit like an old-fashioned pressure cooker which leaves a mess everywhere when it explodes.

The Glad response
To get the best result when someone is angry with you need to watch your tongue. Count to 10 before your respond. Think before you speak. Ask yourself if it is really worth loosing your cool over the issue.

I think we can learn a valuable lesson from Abraham Lincoln. When he had to write a letter to someone who had irritated him, he would often write two letters. The first letter was deliberately insulting (giving full vent to his anger). Then, having got those feelings out of his system, he would tear it up and write a second letter, this one tactful and discreet.

3 STEPS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH ANGER 

Step 1. If someone is angry with you RULE ONE is do not defend yourself. Yes, you read right – DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF! We have two ears and one mouth so we need to listen twice as much as we speak! Listen to what the other person has to say.

A person who immediately becomes defensive usually responds this way because of a poor self-esteem. Do not defend yourself and remind yourself that the angry person is entitled to his opinion and that is all it is, his opinion.

Step 2. Listen for a grain of truth in what the other person is saying and acknowledge it to the other person. At this point it is not about you but about making the other person feel heard and loved. Find out more. Even if you feel there is no truth you can still be loving. Thank the person for sharing their feelings. Listen because the person can be right or wrong, or somewhere in between. How are you going to know if you don’t listen! None of us are perfect (that’s a fact!) and maybe we can learn something from the other person’s criticisms.

Step 3. Clear up any misunderstanding. Respect the other person for having the guts to share their feelings with you. Speak the truth in love

The Book of Psalms in The Old Testament is full of wisdom about anger. Here’s a selection of wise sayings.

Don’t make friends with people who have hot, violent tempers. You might learn their habits and not be able to change. Proverbs 22: 24-25

People with quick tempers cause a lot of quarreling and trouble. Proverbs: 29:22

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29

Hot tempers cause arguments, but patience brings peace. Proverbs 15:18

People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser people remain calm. Proverbs 14:17

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs19:11

A fool gives full vent to his anger – a wise man keeps himself under control. Proverbs 29:11

Come to think of it, the world would be a better place if we all learnt how to deal with anger, wouldn’t it?

 

The Eagle’s Story

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the eagle's story

Have you heard this story about an eagle?

There once was an eagle’s egg that fell out of its nest and rolled down a mountain before coming to rest in a chicken coop. The eagle hatched and grew up believing it was a chicken. All the chickens used to laugh at him and tease him about his large beak and awkward wings. He couldn’t walk very fast, couldn’t peck very well, and generally made a very poor chicken indeed.

One day an older eagle flying high in the sky saw the young eagle pecking in the dirt with the chickens. The older eagle swooped down to see what was happening. At first, the younger eagle was terrified of the huge bird of prey and tried to run away. The older eagle finally managed to calm him down and began to explain to the younger eagle who he really was. After much persuasion the young eagle began to see the truth. The older eagle taught the young one to fly and it spread its wings and soared above the clouds – where it was destined to be all along.

What determines how high the eagle flew was not his ability, as he always had the ability. It was rather his belief in himself. As long as he believed he was a chicken, he was a chicken and he couldn’t fly. As soon as he believed that he was an eagle he could fly.

How did the young eagle’s paradigm of himself impact his life?

We limit ourselves when we place low expectations on ourselves. Maybe we should listen to others who see potential in us, potential that we might not see ourselves.

“Paradigms are like glasses. When you have incomplete paradigms about yourself or life in general, it’s like wearing glasses with the wrong prescription. The lens affects how you see everything else.”
Sean Covey

The Sunday Roast

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Have you heard this story about the Sunday roast?

Tarryn: “Is there a reason you cut the roast in half before putting it in the oven? Some sort of new recipe?”
Sue: “No, that’s the way my Mom always did it, so I’m just doing it the same way…. “Come to think of it I should ask her why, I never thought of that before.”

Sue: “Hey Mom, is there a reason that you always cut the roast in half before putting it in the oven.”
Mom: “No, that’s the way Gran always did it when I was growing up. I just carried on doing the same.” Better ask Gran for the reason.”

Sue: “Hey Gran, Mom said that you always cut the Sunday roast in half before putting it in the oven. I’m interested, was there a reason for this?”
Gran: “Oh yes, my dear, there was a very good reason. My oven in those days was so small. That was the only way the roast would fit into the oven. You’re so fortunate nowadays with your huge ovens!”

Belief systems. How often do we do things because ‘that’s the way it’s always done’ without really knowing why. As we grow up we learn all sorts of ‘beliefs’ about how to deal with life. Some common beliefs are:

  • ‘If I can’t do something perfectly, better not do it at all.’
  • ‘I must always do what other people expect of me, I can’t say no because then they won’t like me.’
  • ‘Children are to be seen and not heard’ becomes a belief in adulthood that ‘nobody will be interested in what I have to say, so I better keep quiet.’
  • ‘My mother is always right! (mmh!)

Examine your beliefs. I could make a very long list of all sorts of beliefs like this, but I’m sure you can think of some beliefs that you have about dealing with life. They could be helpful beliefs or not.

Write them down and then make a point of examining the belief and whether it’s worth holding onto. Ask a friend what they think about your belief. Is this the sort of advice you would give to a close friend.

If you asked me about the belief ‘If you can’t do something perfectly, better not do it at all’, I’d have to say I totally disagree. This is perfectionist thinking. There are so many things I enjoy doing but very few, if any, that I do perfectly. So why rob myself of enjoying what I do in a quest for perfection.

Actually, the teen years and 20’s is the usual time to re-examine the beliefs that you took for granted as being right while growing up. Some you keep and some you throw out as not being for you.

Some people skip this stage and carry on living according to others expectations. This is unhealthy so it is often depression that forces a person to deal with the dilemma of  … WHO AM I ? … for the first time. That’s good and healthy!!  It’s time to become your own person, a special unique person. The process can be hard as not everyone’s going to be happy that you just don’t just fall in line with their expectations anymore.

Persevere. A good place to start:

  • Every time someone says something that gives you a physical reaction, like a thump in the stomach or chest, don’t let that feeling go unchecked.
  • Ask yourself why you had that reaction. Does it tell you about some belief that you should or shouldn’t have? Do some detective work.
  • When you’ve deciphered a belief, ask yourself if that belief is helpful and even if it is true.
  • If it’s unhelpful, give it marching orders!

Socrates said that ‘an un-examined life is not worth living.’ Examine your beliefs, and free yourself from the shackles of other people’s beliefs and expectations!