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 Our Spiritual Family plays an important role in the recovery of our depressed brothers and sisters in the faith. I am a Christian so it is from this  perspective that I write.

Our attitude is important as it is through our Christian brothers and sisters that we see God at work.

We have a responsibility to treat each other as precious people created in the image of God, people who are highly esteemed by our Creator.

Poor esteem is so common and particularly common to depression. We can help change this poor esteem by looking at a person through the ‘eyes’ of God. If we see someone this way, as having immense value, we will treat them accordingly. This will certainly help change a poor self-esteem.  So often we judge a person according to their possessions but that is wrong, because possessions don’t determine a person’s value. Seeing every person as being dearly loved by God will change how you relate to that person. In the eyes of God the beggar on the street corner has as much worth as the CEO of a multi-million dollar company!

No matter what faith group you belong to we have a responsibility to affirm each others self-image as being a person of tremendous value. That will certainly help those in your spiritual family who are struggling with depression.

Believe what the Bible says about how much God loves you.
You are very precious to Him and you’re the apple of His eye. This is unconditional love, not determined by what you have done or not done.
But…
The Bible also says that we are double-minded, we hear how much God loves us but behave as if all our negative thoughts are the truth. Our behavior always matches what we believe! Each time your self-talk tells you you’re worthless, respond by telling this inner voice that it’s a lie, you are highly loved by God. This will go a long way in slowing down the spiral into depression.

My personal experience I remember very clearly being in the pit of depression, feeling very sorry for myself. You know the feeling, head under the duvet, hoping the world will go away. All those negative predictable depressive thoughts were swirling through my mind. At that point, Scripture came into my mind of how we sin when we place our thoughts in higher regard than the Word of God.

Choosing to hang onto those thoughts was making me ill!

I felt such inner sadness and immediately said sorry to God because I realized what I was doing. Immediately there was a turnabout in my depression. I jumped out of bed with a new spring in my step.

Our self-image changes when we truly believe what God says about us. Behavior matches our self-esteem, so change what you believe about yourself and the behavior will follow on accordingly.

Defending our self-esteem. Often our negative reactions are an attempt to defend our self-esteem. As your identity becomes more and more grounded in Christ, the need to defend your self-esteem will decrease. Remember my Christian brothers and sisters, we are a new creation in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come.

We need to believe it when the Word of God, the Bible, says that all our needs are met in Christ Jesus. To believe in your security and significance in Christ, that is, that your needs are met in him, will enable you to deal with insecurities in your everyday life.

Helping our Christian Brothers & Sisters

• DO NOT  make comments like: ‘You wouldn’t be depressed if you read your Bible more’, or ‘you’ve got too little faith’ or ‘Christians don’t suffer from depression’. Maybe that’s the biggest lie of all! Depression is part of living in this world. We need to accept and love each other without putting each other on a guilt trip. The person feels bad enough already, why make them feel even worse?

• DO NOT try to fix-up your friend. Resist that urge! If you haven’t been asked for advice, don’t give it! And don’t throw Scripture verses at your friend without being asked. By giving advice and solutions you might make yourself feel helpful but it really doesn’t help. So often we can’t wait for the opportunity to tell a depressed person what to do. This means that we’re really not listening at all. Don’t be afraid of silences, feeling the need to fill them up. ‘Silence is a gift of your presence’.Proverbs 17:13 says “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”

• DO tread carefully and try and walk in the other person’s shoes. Rather believe that God loves your friend far more than you are ever able to and that the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth will guide the person into a fullness of life! Your role is to love them unconditionally. Keep in touch and take your friend out for coffee, for a fun outing.

• DO EMPATHIZE Empathy consists of using words that put a name to the feelings that are being expressed. A girl might express some anger or other emotion while telling you that her boyfriend broke up with her. Look to the feelings behind the words which is very often a fear of rejection. Rejection is our most common fear. It’s easy to talk about behavior, not so easy to talk about the emotion. When the emotion is heard we feel deeply heard, and we journey towards recovery. Don’t tell people not to feel in a certain way. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are and can be acknowledged.

• MIRACULOUS HEALING I personally have never seen a miraculous healing from depression or anxiety with no effort on the part of the affected person. I have however seen huge healing when the person learns to change the way they think, lining up their thoughts with the mind of Christ. That is when you will have the Peace that is promised by Jesus, the Prince of Peace. Just love your friend, believing that God is at work in their life.

GOD IS LOVE.

God, our creator knows all about depression. After all God made us and knows everything about us! It doesn’t come as a surprise to God. We need to walk alongside those in our Spiritual Family who are battling with depression and show them the love.

Please look at my article on Spiritual Aspects for more input on Bible verses related to thoughts.

We enter our marriage relationships, trailing all our childhood baggage behind us. And it can weigh us down, sometimes very heavily. Our present family either reinforces our bad past self-image, or they can help us form a new self-image, help us to throw away that heavy baggage!

Married to give love or receive love?

We all think we get married because we’re in love. But maybe the focus is more on ME than on YOU!  I need you ..I can’t live without you etc., me, me, me! We see someone who can meet our needs, the gaps that we see in our lives, our unmet needs. ‘Opposites attract – what a true statement! So many people get married with high expectations of their partner to meet their unmet needs. Get this straight now, NO single person can possibly meet all of another person’s needs!

Deep inner love

We are only really able to meet our partner’s needs when we have the deep inner belief of how dearly we are loved by God. Grounding our self-esteem in God’s love for us gives us security and we won’t feel so devastated when our partner does fail us. And we do fail each other, expect it!

To manipulate or to love

You have a choice to either manipulate your partner or love them.

To manipulate your partner is to have your own needs uppermost, the self comes first and your behavior is aimed towards having your own needs met. You’re trying to control the other person, which we have no right to do. It means you’re not accepting them as they are and want to change them into somebody who will better meet your needs.

On the other hand we can choose to pour out love to our partner. Each  marriage partner is in the unique position of being the only one able to truly love their partner through unconditional acceptance and love. Be on the lookout for your partners needs and try to meet them. You might be surprised how the love in your relationship will sky-rocket!

If your partner has some quirky or even uncharacteristic behavior try to look at the needs behind the behavior. All our behavior is motivated by a need, so trying to decipher the need might give a bit more understanding of the behavior.

• A wife complaining about her husband spending too much time at work could have more to do with her insecurity. Just hearing the complaint, the response might be ‘you should know I have no choice, the boss is putting pressure on me’. Responding rather to the insecurities behind the message, the needs will be met, the wife will feel loved.
• Maybe a wife’s anger with her husband for being late has not got so much to do with his being late, but with a childhood fear of abandonment. Surely this understanding will stop a heated battle from happening.

Sorry these are ‘wife’ examples – will have to think up some male examples! Even if your partner behaves in a way that bugs you, try to see what needs the person is trying to get met. It’s usually not just to irritate you but could just be a peculiar way of trying to get a need met. Also the stronger the emotion, the greater the need. So don’t criticize the emotion by shouting back ‘don’t be so emotional!’

How do you get your needs met?

Does sulking, or the silent treatment sound familiar? Or being manipulative, being devious, or getting angry. These are all extremely bad ways of getting your needs met, to say the least!

Or do you honestly express your needs, allowing your partner the choice to meet your needs. Try keeping to ‘I feel’ statements. In this way you own your feelings rather than resorting to the ‘blame game’. To say ‘I feel unloved when you come home late’ is far more effective than shouting ‘you don’t love me or else you’d come home early’. The ‘I feel…’ statement comes across without blame and gives your partner freedom in choosing to meet your need.

Life is a journey.

Enjoy the journey, even if your partner irritates you at times! Hopefully we can learn and grow within the safety and security of our marriage relationship.

Emotional baggage, where did it all start?

Our first lot of baggage comes from being part of a fallen race, being born separated from God. Adam and Eve had all their needs met by God. They had security, a sense of belonging, a sense of worth and felt completely loved by God. They didn’t know what it was like to be needy or rejected. All that changed at the time of the fall. All these things that they had taken for granted became needs.

People’s behavior then became motivated to get their needs met, like our need for security, our need to belong and our need to feel of worth. Our need for food and shelter became work. This drive to get our needs met is what we inherited from Adam. Think about it – Why do we work? Why do we get married? I could make a long list … But it makes sense, doesn’t it? All the things we do are motivated by a need, often in the unconscious.

Sometimes the way we get the need met isn’t so healthy. For example, a young girl who becomes promiscuous is  often searching to get a ‘need for love’ met. But she’s searching in the wrong place, unaware of the underlying need for love. Getting involved in a drug type sub culture probably has more to do with a need to be accepted, to have a sense of belonging than really enjoying the drugs.

What next?

Start becoming aware of your underlying needs. Examine your behavior. Do some detective work to find out what the underlying need could be that you’re trying to get met. This is particularly the case when the behavior is really unhelpful.

Frustration at being unable to get one’s needs met can get one down. Examining your underlying needs can help your on the journey of overcoming depression.