As born again believers we are adopted in a new family, God’s family. We are God’s hands and on this earth and as brothers and sisters in Christ we have a responsibility to affirm each other’s new self-image in Christ. It’s not easy giving up old habits so we are double minded, hearing what Scripture says but following our fleshy ingrained old patterns of behaviour to get our needs met. Our self-image can change by believing what God says about us. This will lead to a change in behaviour because remember that our behaviour matches our self-image. Often our negative reactions are an attempt to defend our self-esteem. As our identity becomes more and more grounded in Christ, the need to defend our self-esteem will decrease. Remember, we are a new creation in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come. We need to affirm the new identities in Christ of our Christian brothers and sisters.
We need to believe it when the Word says that all our needs are met in Christ, which can be very difficult. To believe in your security and significance in Christ, that is, that your needs are met in him, will enable you to deal with insecurities in your everyday life. We are called to be fellow pilgrims on life’s journey, but often we don’t make very good travelling companions for our friends, particularly in their time of need.
A few tips.
- LISTEN We really need to try to listen to each other, not just to the words that are said, but to the underlying needs .Try to meet these needs and accept people as they are. To listen is a gift of your presence.
- EMPATHY Try to put a name to the feelings behind the behaviour that is being expressed. (My boyfriend dropped me – feelings of rejection). It is easy to talk about the behavior and pass judgment. It is much harder to look past the emotion and hear the emotion. But when the emotion is heard that is when we feel deeply heard and healing takes place. Don’t tell people not to feel in a certain way. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are and can be acknowledged. If somebody feels angry, don’t put them down by saying “Don’t get angry etc”. You’ll get further in your relationship by acknowledging the person’s anger and trying to find out more what has made them angry.
- Avoid the FIX IT URGE by giving a solution whenever someone expresses negative emotions.Be aware of the ‘should’ word, telling people what you think they should do because this word comes across as very controlling. If this rings a bell with you, you are in fact telling the person that negative emotions are not acceptable, and you know far better how they should run their lives. If you can resist the fix-it urge you will be giving your friend a far more accepting message. By not telling them how they should be thinking or feeling, you show them total acceptance. This will help them to move onto greater self-acceptance. ‘Should’ statements are a definite no-no as they lead to anger and resentment. Be careful of giving unsolicited advice. Ask your friend if they want advice or just a listening ear.
- SCRIPTURE VERSES Another common complaint from Christians who have battled with depression, is being told that their faith isn’t strong enough, or they didn’t read their Bible enough. Really this is not going to help at all! As if they don’t feel guilty enough without this added burden. The only person who feels better is the one giving the advice, but it will break any trusting relationship. Also responding to a person who is sharing their problem with you, with a Scripture verse is also not going to help. The person needs to be heard first. Helping a fellow believer is about hearing them, not relieving the urge of the helper to solve the problem!
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects,a always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.