Tag Archives: be yourself

The down-side of being brilliant!

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Have you ever thought
“if only…. I were thinner….then..
if only… I was richer…
if only … I was cleverer”?

We can waste our energy in this type of unproductive thinking but …

This past week I decided to read the book “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by Bill Bryson. My husband had bought the book so we had it at home. To be honest I wouldn’t have bought the book as it sounded too ‘intellectual’ for me, but seeing as we had it and I was hoping to get a bit cleverer, I started reading.

I’m a third of the way through, and am utterly amazed at how brilliant some people are, easily comprehending concepts like atoms, relativity and the universe. I think I’ll have to settle with accepting my limited intellect, but what I did enjoy were some of the personal stories of these scientists, and I want to share one of these with you.

Henry Cavendish (10 Oct 1731 – 24 Feb 1810)

Henry Cavendish was the son of Lord Cavendish and was born into a life of privilege. He attended Cambridge University from 1749 to 1753, but left without obtaining a degree. However he was one of the most gifted scientists of  his age, but also one of the strangest. He was the first to recognize hydrogen gas as a distinct substance. He also described the composition of water and made the first accurate measurement of the density of the Earth.

Now, that in my opinion, makes him intellectually brilliant!

However, he had his problems.
“He suffered from shyness to a ‘degree bordering on disease’. Any human contact was for him a source of the deepest discomfort. Once he opened his door to find an Austrian admirer, freshly arrived from Vienna, on the front step. Excitedly, the Austrian began to babble out praise. For a few moments Cavendish received the compliments as if they were blows given from a blunt object and then, unable to take any more, fled down the path and out the gate, leaving the front door wide open. It was some hours before he could be coaxed back to the property. Even his housekeeper communicated with him by letter.” (Bill Bryson: A Short History of Nearly Everything, p85).

“His female domestics had orders to keep out of sight, on pain of dismissal. His dinner he ordered daily by a note placed on the hall table.” (http://www.blupete.com/Literature/Biographies/Science/Cavendish.htm)

Lesson to be learnt

  • Stop looking at others with envy. We may see the brilliance of others, but seldom do we see their weaknesses. Start seeing the brilliance in yourself (even if it’s not academic!)
  • Stop saying “if only .. then…” Live your life in the ‘here and now’ because this is the reality you have. Only when you accept reality can you make a plan to change aspects you don’t like. A childhood refrain just popped into my mind – “Jealousy gets you nowhere!” – brains aren’t everything!

Click here to see the book “A Short History of Nearly Everything” on Amazon.


Stop pretending!

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I always find people’s life stories interesting, especially when they succeed despite all odds. What lessons can we learn from them? The story of the actor Joaquin Phoenix (Time magazine-October 1 2012), struck me as such a story.

Phoenix’s parents were missionaries with the hippie cult Children of God. They moved around a lot and when they moved to Caracas they cut ties with the cult and ended up facing crushing poverty. To start again, the family stowed away on a cargo ship to Florida. Can you imagine being so desperate as to do this with five children! The family later moved to Los Angeles. where they changed their surname to Phoenix, a symbol of new hope, a new start, “rising out of the ashes”.

When their mother found a secretarial job at NBC she sought out auditions for her older children who were already experienced street performers. “We all used to sing and play music, and we were all very outgoing. My parents always encouraged us to express ourselves. And so it seemed like second nature to start acting,” said Phoenix.

Phoenix loved being a child actor. After a break during his teens he returned to a fully fledged acting career with films such as ‘To Die For’ (1995), ‘Walk the Line’ (2005), ‘I’m Still Here’ (2012), ‘The Master’ (2012).

Celebrities can go to enormous lengths to keep up appearances, ensuring that the public never see them looking stupid. Phoenix went to the other extreme, inviting opportunities to look stupid.

“Once I became a total buffoon, it was so liberating,” he says. “Part of why I was frustrated with acting was because I took it so seriously. I want it to be so good that I get in my own way. It’s like love:when you fall in love, you’re not yourself anymore. You lose control of being natural and showing the beautiful parts of yourself, and all somebody recognizes is this total desperation. And that’s very unattractive.”

Phoenix also supports a number of causes. One of these causes is the Lunchbox Fund, which gives healthy meals to children in need.

I can think of several lessons that we can learn from the life of Phoenix.:

  • Never give up hope even when life seems hopeless. Keep looking forward.
  • Look at your abilities and use the talents you have. “Invent yourself with the ingredients you already have.”
  • Be thankful for family and friends who open doors for you. Don’t be stubbornly independent, you don’t know what opportunities you might miss out on. We’re meant to be interdependent.
  • Encourage your children and don’t criticize them. Experience is the best lesson in life.
  • Stop pretending to be someone you’re not. Accept yourself, ‘warts and all’ because that’s truly liberating. Pretending just takes up too much precious energy! If you think people won’t like you if they know what you’re really like, give and go! Test your belief and see if it’s true.
  • Give back to the community. We can’t just be ‘takers’ in this life. We need to give back to the community as well.


Dave Du Plessis survives being shot in the Amazon

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Dave Du Plessis, a South African from Durban is an adventurer. All adventurers know that you face risks when pushing boundaries. But then who wants to live life from an armchair, cocooned in safety. Dave has been in the news because he was shot while paddling a kayak in the Amazon. The fact that he is alive is a miracle and has much to do with his determination for life.

Wanting to know more about this incredible man I had a look at his blog and found these words which can truly inspire all of us.

Take Action 

“Learn to take action, coupled with thought, determination and faith in your ability. That brilliant business idea you have – put it into physical form, make the idea tangible and physical. That person you want as a partner – don’t just say great things do great things, don’t say Love, DO Love. Take action, physical action and results will appear, maybe not the results that you ideally believe should be in place, but remember that what ever is out there, that system has foresight that humans lack. We don’t see the BIG, REALLY BIG picture – the universe’s governing system does and this only becomes apparent when taking action with belief and faith in you.

Don’t sweat the small stuff!

Don’t sweat the small stuff either. For example I knew why I wanted to go for such a project, I never knew how and still don’t know how it will turn out – the ‘how’s’ are up in the air and not for me to decide. I decide the ‘why’s’. That life governing system creates the ‘how’s’. Know, to your core, ‘why’ you have to do something and take action, the ‘how’ will fall into place. The unknown ‘how’ is what makes life beautiful, spontaneous and incredible!

Embrace the why’s, faith in the how’s!

Imagine if you knew how everything turned out? There would be no surprise, excitement, lessons, spontaneity, change and all those other words that evoke the most incredible human emotions. There would be no unknown, no butterflies, no goose bumps and no tears. Embrace the why’s, faith in the how’s!

To live is action

To Live is an action, not a thought alone. Thoughts are your blueprint so make sure they are structured to enable your actions to produce the results.
Think to Live, Live through Action.

‘DO or DO NOT, there is no TRY’ – Yoda

Live Inspired.” – Thank you Dave for these words of inspiration. We wish you a speedy recovery.

Ref: http://worldwonderer.co.za/

Other posts of inspirational people: Winning starts in the head - Olympics 2012,                    Paralympics London 2012


Road to Wisdom

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“A man is getting along on the road to wisdom when he begins to realize that his opinion is just an opinion“. Author unknown.

The other day I was sorting through a notebook and found this quote. Wise words indeed! So often we put down our own opinions, criticize ourselves for even having aired our opinion, especially if the person we’re talking to disagrees with us. This is often an issue with low self-esteem so this could be an area that needs to be worked on.

An  opinion is just an opinion. It’s not right, nor wrong and you’re entitled to your own opinion no matter what others may say!

If you tend to be self-critical and automatically put yourself down for having said “the wrong thing”, just remind yourself that it’s fine to have an opinion different to others, after all it’s just an opinion! Stop the excuses and apologies.

“A wise man gives other people’s opinion as much weight as he does his own.” Author unknown.

Another quote I found. How respectful is this, to be so valued by the person you’re talking to. If, on the other hand, you tend to dismiss others opinions, remember this quote, you’ll certainly gain respect.

Related posts, written from different perspectives: Develop good self esteem and Achieving good self esteem

 


My Way is the Right Way!

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What do you think of ….

Men who have a Mohawk and even, wear make-up?
What thoughts are triggered?
Cool? Disgusting? Men shouldn’t wear make-up? Stupid? Or even, fantastic, but rather a high maintenance style to keep up.

For older readers, how would you feel about your daughter dating a man with this type of fashion style?

OR 

What do you think about women with tattoos or piercings?

Age will undoubtedly affect your opinion.  If you’re part of the older generation you might believe that tattoos are only for sailors – definitely not for women, or ‘cultured’ people.

OR

What about someone who wears funny shoes like these in public?

Are you sure your opinion, judgement or stereotypical thoughts are absolutely right??

‘One of the major blocks to creativity is the feeling of knowing you are right. When we think we are absolutely right we stop seeking new information. To be right is to be certain, and to be certain stops us from being curious. Curiosity and wonder are at the heart of all learning’ (Bradshaw 1988:8).

Many people believe they’re absolutely right in their opinions about how others should live their lives as well. And if a person thinks they are absolutely right they are not going to show much tolerance towards anyone who goes against the norm.

How this sense of shame at being truly individual develops.

Part of being human is to be able to identify with other humans, usually our parents. This gives us a sense of security and protection. However if a child constantly gets the message that there is something wrong with their uniqueness they will develop a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being.

A lack of self-trust develops and the child learns to guard their thoughts and feelings so others don’t see that they are worthless. The role models opinions then get internalized as being correct, as the child mirrors their behavior and opinions. Not to do so, in the child’s mind, would risk possible abandonment, which is not an option for a child.

Parents who are shut down emotionally, having had their own emotions shamed, cannot mirror and affirm their child’s emotions. It is hugely beneficial for good psychological development for a child to have parents or caregivers mirror their emotions. This really involves giving a name to how the child feels and showing acceptance of those feelings as being valid. This leads to self-acceptance and acceptance of others even if they are different.

For example, when a child is angry, it is better for the parent to mirror the emotion by saying something like, ‘I can see that you’re really angry at what happened, please tell me more of what is going on’. Of course a parent who is emotionally shut down would probably just shout at the child for being angry and behaving badly, being unable to mirror the child’s emotions.

Unfortunately parents so often tell their children that it’s ‘bad’ to feel particular feelings, (eg. anger), telling them that they ‘don’t really feel that way’. Shaming a child’s emotions results in the child being unable to trust their emotions and leads to shame.

Psychological Health

A good definition of psychological health is when you are able to accept yourself and others exactly as you are, with your strengths and weakness.

Now that’s a tall order for many of us!
If you want to be psychologically healthy bear this definition in mind. When you are faced with a behavior that you cannot accept ask yourself:

  • ‘Why is it difficult for me to accept the ‘different-ness’ of the other person?’
  • ‘Does it reflect something about me that stirs up shame in me?’ It is difficult seeing other people displaying behavior that you internalized as being shameful and unacceptable.

I am obviously not talking about hurtful, criminal behavior which is obviously unacceptable but rather the various types of behavior that we see everyday.

What are your personal stereotypes? Do these beliefs need re-examining to see if you really do have the absolute truth about what is acceptable or not?

Do Mohawks, tattoos, funny shoes etc really cause harm to society?? I think not!

I can highly recommend the book I quoted.
John Bradshaw, ‘Healing the shame that binds you’, available through Amazon.


The Eagle’s Story

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Have you heard this story about an eagle?

There once was an eagle’s egg that fell out of its nest and rolled down a mountain before coming to rest in a chicken coop. The eagle hatched and grew up believing it was a chicken. All the chickens used to laugh at him and tease him about his large beak and awkward wings. He couldn’t walk very fast, couldn’t peck very well, and generally made a very poor chicken indeed.

One day an older eagle flying high in the sky saw the young eagle pecking in the dirt with the chickens. The older eagle swooped down to see what was happening. At first, the younger eagle was terrified of the huge bird of prey and tried to run away. The older eagle finally managed to calm him down and began to explain to the younger eagle who he really was. After much persuasion the young eagle began to see the truth. The older eagle taught the young one to fly and it spread its wings and soared above the clouds – where it was destined to be all along.

What determines how high the eagle flew was not his ability, as he always had the ability. It was rather his belief in himself. As long as he believed he was a chicken, he was a chicken and he couldn’t fly. As soon as he believed that he was an eagle he could fly.

How did the young eagle’s paradigm of himself impact his life?

We limit ourselves when we place low expectations on ourselves. Maybe we should listen to others who see potential in us, potential that we might not see ourselves.

“Paradigms are like glasses. When you have incomplete paradigms about yourself or life in general, it’s like wearing glasses with the wrong prescription. The lens affects how you see everything else.”
Sean Covey


Improving your partner!

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Did you hear about the bridal couple?

Bride: “Pastor, I’m really worried I’ll forget something.”
Pastor: “It’s a piece of cake, walk down the aisle, to the altar, sing the hymn.”
Groom: “So it’s aisle, then altar, then hymn?”
Pastor: “Right!”

The big day arrives and they’re about to walk in the church.

Groom: “Ready?”
Bride: “Yes….
Aisle, altar, hymn …
I’ll, altar, hymn …
I’ll alter hymn …
I’ll alter him.
Got it!”

Youngsters think change is a piece of cake. “I love you so much, I promise I’ll change.” Or “My love can change him.” Women marry alcoholics thinking, “I’ll be able to stop him from drinking.” The wife thinks she can ‘save’ the husband from himself. It’s not only alcohol but drug addictions and a list of other things that could unconsciously attract the partner. “If I succeed in changing my partner, my life will prove to have been worthwhile”.. is the unconscious thought.

Reality is different! The chances of winning the lottery are greater than the chances of the husband stopping! Change might only happen in old age and probably more to do with the husband having alcoholic liver failure, than the wife’s moans.

Promises are often simply words. Action is needed for change. The late 20′s is usually when the realization strikes home that change is difficult and is probably not going to happen. This accounts for the statistic that most divorces happen in the late 20′s. You’ve heard of the 7 year itch? It’s true. A mental change has to happen for the marriage to survive.

“Life begins at 50″ is not just a T-shirt logo! This is most often the time when people finally let go and just accept each other, warts and all! At this age many couples also seem to reach a peak of happiness.

But why waste the first 30 years of the relationship?

Loving someone does not mean changing them. It’s really not loving to try and change someone into what you feel is acceptable to you. That makes it all about you. True love is selfless. Why marry someone you need to change? Are you really picking the right person then?

You wouldn’t buy a car for how much you’d need to fix it, so why choose a lifelong partner this way, one who doesn’t come with a money-back guarantee?

If you recognize yourself in this scenario, let go of the urge to change your partner. Start affirming all the things that you do love about your partner rather than harping on the negative. Everyday make a point of giving at least one affirmation and tick that off on your ‘to-do’ list! This is going to have a far greater positive effect than moaning and groaning. Rather look at changing your own attitudes. You’re the only person you can really change!

If you are in a marriage fixed on changing your partner have a look at the co-dependent checklist for more insights.


Dare To Be Loving!

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I found the 10 Questions posed to Lady Gaga in the Time magazine (March 12, 2012) quite inspiring so I’d like to share some of the content with you.

Lady Gaga has just launched the Born This Way Foundation to inspire bravery in young people as well as their parents and the worldwide culture. The Foundation aims to work towards a kinder and more accepting society.

Lady Gaga was bullied as a child for being ‘different’. All I can say is thank goodness we are all born different – imagine what a boring world this would be if we were all exactly the same! Being different is what makes this world exciting and actually grows us as ‘individuals’. But being different also opens one up to criticism and rejection. Not being like all the other sheep in the pen can be difficult! Often we find it is easier to criticize than to value and appreciate our differences.

The reporter asked Lady Gaga how an 11-year old girl could live our her idea. This was her reply. “She could go up to one person in class who maybe is not one of the cool kids and say, ‘I really like your T-shirt.’ That would be her one great loving and accepting deed for the day.”

And to the question of how she achieves so much. She gives much credit to the close relationship she has with her mother, but adds “one of the things I hope to impress upon everyone is that all it takes is just one person to believe in you.”

So my challenge to you is this. Don’t only affirm qualities in those people you consider to be cool, the ones you compliment hoping they’ll accept you in return. Affirm and compliment the ‘not-so-cool’ people, the underdog, those who battle to find their place in society. These are the people who need your words of encouragement so much.

And your children? And your spouse? You are in a particularly unique and special position to boost them, show them their incredible worth and love them to the fullest. To achieve great things, it takes just one person to believe in you.

Let us all aim to do one loving and accepting deed each day.


Be Happy!

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‘ I wish that I had let myself be happier’.

In a study on people facing death, this regret was surprisingly common. Many of the elderly in the study did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. Happiness comes from within, not from what happens to you.

Happiness all starts with your thoughts, your interpretation about the situation. Just think about it. Sad thoughts lead to a sad mood, even depression. Maybe even wanting to stay in bed all day, hidden under the duvet! A happy person with sad thoughts just doesn’t make sense, does it? A happy person has happy thoughts which results in ‘happy’ behavior!  So if you’re working on overcoming depression, ask yourself exactly what you are thinking that is making you depressed. Changing your thoughts, or getting a more realistic perspective on your thoughts could lift your depression. In psychological terms it’s called cognitive therapy, or therapy of the thoughts.

I remember clearly when my son decided to emigrate. As he left I felt sad and tearful because I’d miss him. Then I consciously decided to change my thoughts. This was his life and he was heading out into the future full of anticipation and excitement! There’s nothing sad about that and as I changed my thoughts happiness overtook me again!

If you’re prone to depression, try to look at your underlying thoughts. Try and change the way you view a particular situation. Look at the glass as half-full rather than half-empty. For every negative thought, try to find the opposite positive one.

What’s your greatest regret so far? Don’t end your life with the regret that you didn’t allow yourself to be happier. Be happy, laugh and be silly! Enjoy life, you really have only one chance!

To learn more about how to change the way your think, please click here for some more very helpful information.


Express how you feel!

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‘I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings’

This is the third most common regret faced by people dying. So many people suppress their feelings just to keep the peace with others. However settling for this kind of mediocre existence, there is certainly no inner peace! You never become the person who you are really capable of becoming.

One of the sources of anxiety is a belief that you have no right to express your needs or feelings. This develops from being constantly told things like ‘you’re too sensitive’ or ‘you don’t really mean what you’re saying’. Basically your feelings and needs are put down as unimportant. In order to keep the peace, you keep quiet and bottle up all your feelings.

The problem with this is that your feelings will eventually explode like a pressure cooker and result in a very ugly mess! All the bitterness and resentment then comes pouring out.

You have a right to express your feelings! If the other person doesn’t agree with you, just remind yourself that you do have this right. If a person’s comments come as a put-down, deal with it straight away. Don’t bottle it up and let it eat at you.

Confront the other person in a calm unemotional way and say something like “when you say …. it makes me feel like ….” When the person knows the effect of what they say, without criticism on your part, you give them the responsibility to change what they’re doing. It’s hard to change habits – yours of suppressing how you feel as well as for the other person who puts down your feelings. Start practicing and if you’re put down, just keep reminding yourself that you do have a right to express your feelings. Don’t backtrack and start apologizing for your feelings. And most importantly, don’t start shouting. That really won’t get you anywhere!

Expressing how you feel is a human right!