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January 12, 2014 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Love your Inner Child

chinoI came across this amazing series of photos, “Imagine Finding Me” by the Japanese London – based photographer Chino Otsuka. With incredible skill she digitally inserts herself into old photos, so that she is standing next to her younger self.

The images got me thinking about “the inner child” ...

We were all children, that’s a no-brainer but what most of us are not aware of is that we still have that child living within us.  Whenever you think, feel or behave in a way you did when you were a child, it is your inner child that is acting out. A lack of awareness of your inner child will leave you wondering where so many of your behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from. Usually they can be traced back to your “inner child” acting out.

Ask yourself…

You’re an adult, but have you really grown up?
Is your unconscious inner child, the emotionally wounded, hurting child, controlling or influencing your adult life, trying to make your adult decisions?

For many it is a hurt, fearful angry little boy or girl (in an adult body) who is making adult decisions.  No wonder our relationships go wrong, and then we feel anxious, insecure and inferior, all the feelings we had as little children when we did something “wrong”.

Can you recognize behavior or reactions that you don’t like, that could possibly stem from an inner child deciding how you should react? What about temper tantrums, sulking or plain irrational behavior. These behaviors might be appropriate for a child, but they’re definitely not appropriate for an adult -your inner child is acting out and having control!

Action Plan

1. Become conscious of your inner child. learn to recognize when the inner child is directing how you behave.
2. You have two ways of reacting to your inner child.

Hate: You can get cross with yourself, with your inner child, just as your parent did to you when you were little and did something wrong. Isn’t it true that we so often hear the reprimands of our parents in our minds. You can carry on hating and blaming your inner child for all your  ills and remain a helpless victim. You can futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling your infantile needs, but this is also doomed to failure.

Love: It is only through loving your inner child that this child will ‘grow up’. Take your inner child seriously, consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within. Listen to how they feel and what they need. Unfortunately for most of us, certain infantile needs were, maliciously or not, unmet by our imperfect parents and they never will be.  A child grows up when it receives proper parental supervision, protection and support. But the only parent who can now do this is YOU, the Adult you.

Visualization: When the inner child reacts badly, reassure your inner child. Close your eyes and visualize yourself holding hands with a little version of yourself. Call that child “Little  ….. (insert your name)” and talk to that child in a loving non-judgemental way eg. “Little John. it’s okay you were trying your best, it didn’t quite work out, but don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you and together we will try again next time… we’ll keep practicing, til together, we get it right….)

The process of healing is a journey and not a quick fix and I wish you well on your recovery. If you want to ask me any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask something in the coment box.

For more on the inner child click here.

To see more of the amazing pictures of the adult Chino Otsuka inserted into the childhood photos of herself click here

Filed Under: Blog, Relationships Tagged With: Anger, approval, be creative, Chino Otsuka, inner child

March 30, 2013 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

A Gift Diary to Remember YOU are Loved

A GIFT DIARY

Do you feel that nobody loves you? Maybe even feeling a bit resentful to your partner? Sometimes our thinking can be a bit skewed and we only see the negative, discounting any positive aspects in our lives. Using a gift diary will help sort out that kind of negative thinking and can revitalize a fading relationship.

First step is to get a small notebook to use as your gift diary.

gift diary

DAILY RECORD 

  1. Record three ‘gifts’ you give and receive from your partner every day, starting with today. If you don’t have a partner, think of a person who you are close to. These gifts don’t have to be material gifts and certainly don’t have to be big. Be on the look out for little gifts, like when your partner did or said something kind or helpful to you. Record in your diary words like “I appreciated your help with… .  I appreciated the way you….I appreciated the look you gave me when…”
  2. Talk about these gifts with your partner before you go to bed at night. This way you and your partner can start learning from each other the small actions that make you feel loved. Share how this gift made you feel.
  3. Say Thank You Many people find it hard to receive gifts and minimize the good things that are said and done to them. Say thank you – this makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. We all like to be appreciated and loved, and you’ll find that your partner will want to give you more.

MY PARTNER’S DREAM GIFT INVENTORY

  1. Again using your gift diary, create a list of the things you think your partner values receiving. This can be hard but don’t miss this step.
  2. Now check this list out with your partner. Were you accurate, and is there anything that you’ve missed out. Add this to your list. It’s amazing how many times we presume that we know what our partner likes, but are wrong. This presumption is based on what we like and then presume everybody else is the same as us. Wrong!!
  3. Find out details about each dream gift. What time of day, in what setting, and how often would your partner like to receive your gift?

The point of this exercise is to shift how you relate to your partner from the unconscious to the conscious.When we relate from the unconscious, it has more to do with what we think our partner wants.When we relate from a conscious level, we relate to our partner from what we know our partner wants.

If your partner doesn’t acknowledge your gifts gently ask whether they see what you did as a gift. For example you may enjoy buying flowers or chocolates for your partner. You’re excited but you find they’re not. The only way to know if they see it as ‘a gift’ is by asking. Don’t criticize them for not appreciating you and being ungrateful as that will defeat the purpose! If they value it as a gift, continue with this gift, knowing in your heart that it’s accepted as a gift.

Instead of guessing little gifts that your partner might like, ask them directly. We’re all different so what you see as a gift might not be what your partner sees as a gift. It’s okay to be different!

Keep adding to your DREAM GIFT INVENTORY by becoming sensitive to comments that your partner makes in passing about their dreams and desires. Your partner will feel SO loved when your gift meets their need!

And that after all is the point of a gift diary, to give and receive love.

Filed Under: Attitude Tagged With: be creative, love

September 28, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Live life like an artist! – Andrew Verster

Live your life like an artist and enjoy life’s journey!

“Every artist enters unknown, uncharted territory every day of their lives.There are no maps, except for those you make yourself. There are few signposts. And there is no guarantee that you will reach your destination.

At each moment in the making of an artwork there are choices.

What is the next move?
What color is right?
What shape goes with this shape?
Do I need more texture? Less texture?
Are the materials appropriate?
What about the size?
Who am I making this for?
What about the subject? Style?
Content?

And a hundred other questions.

Now each of these questions needs an answer as you grope your way from this point to the next.
And it is only you who can answer the question.

Picture making cannot be done by proxy. In the same way, life cannot be lived by proxy.

And that in essence is what prepares you for all the other things you might do in your life. The training forces you to make decisions, and in so doing, you define who you are. And who you are not.

Even making the wrong decisions can be useful, forcing you to retrace your tracks and take another fork in the road.

In the end, a painting or a sculpture or a video a drawing or a tapestry, is a map of where you have been. A map of your journey. And, most importantly, a record of a number of decisions…..

Someone once said that making art was like dancing in the dark. You know your feet are moving but you don’t know where you are going.

And I think it is this that thrills me about all the creative processes. This sense of discovery.This hunch that you are going somewhere but you don’t know where.” – Andrew Verster

This inspirational extract is from an acceptance speech given by Andrew Verster, the famous South African artist, on receiving an honorary PhD. Arts from the Durban University of Technology in 2009. He was addressing Art student graduates.

 

 

Picture making cannot be done by proxy. In the same way, life cannot be lived by proxy. Make the most of what you can. Your life is like a blank canvas waiting to be painted creatively. The only person who can paint it is you!

 

 

Filed Under: Success Tagged With: Andrew Verster, be creative

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