Overcoming Depression

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Stop Complaining!

Complaining is a really bad habit. It drains the joy out of living and can put others off you. Stop complaining!

1. Change your perception

Moaning doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s better to make a plan to resolve what is bugging you.. Ask others for their input on how they see the situation. You might find that all that’s needed is a change of perception for the problem to go away. Otherwise try and change what’s bugging you.

For example, if you don’t like your job, stop complaining about it, rather do something about it. If it’s really awful, quit or change your perception. When you’re ready to complain, just remember to be thankful that you have a job. 

2. When you feel the urge to complain ‘let it go‘.

Mentally place your complaint in a balloon and let it go. Like attracts like. Focus on what’s good, consciously not complaining about what is wrong and you’ll be surprised at the change in your life.

stop complainingFor example, if you put on a pair of glasses with purple lenses, everything you look at will have a purple tint to it. If you view the world through the lenses of a complainer, everything you look at will have a negative tint to it. Try putting on those ‘rose colored spectacles’

Make a conscious choice not to complain or be negative whenever you do feel the urge. Continue to do this until your thoughts become positive.

3. Complaining zaps your energy

Our thoughts affect our behavior. When you have positive thoughts you feel good about yourself and you’re ready to take on the world. When you think negative thoughts, you just want to curl up in bed, pull the covers over your head and have a ‘pity-party’. Poor me! You do have control over how you let your thoughts affect you. Have some time-out when you’re tempted to complain. Do some activity to take your mind off what’s bothering you.

money man

4. Make your complaining pay

Every time you catch yourself complaining set aside some money for charity. Set aside a jar for this purpose.

5. How do you want to spend your time?

Complaining saps your energy, being positive is invigorating.

Complaining is a bad habit and can be changed with practice. Your time is precious, why waste it on complaining? Action is what is needed.

Read the original article by aimwell on www.scam.com.

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Planning for Success!

In this time of economic down-turn it’s even more important to plan to succeed. We all want success whether it be clinching a job interview, impressing a first date or just plain making a connection with people. These situations can be quite stressful, but for some it can feel like an insurmountable hurdle. Let me share some tips I’ve found extremely helpful.

Step 1. Get your mind right!

If you believe you’re going to fail, you probably will because our behavior matches what we believe. You’ll set yourself up for failure.

  • Talk back to that inner voice that says you’ll fail. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend. Become your best friend.
  • Start behaving like a successful person and see the change in how people react to you.

Step 2. Practice “SOLER”

The word “SOLER” is an acronym for how to successfully engage with people. I learnt it as a student social worker and have found it enormously helpful. These techniques make other people feel relaxed and comfortable.

Use the SOLER principles when relating to people no matter what the circumstances. You will impress them with your relaxed manner.

S – stands for SQUARE. Sit facing a person ‘square-on’ or just slightly off ‘square’. This shows the other person that you are giving them your full attention.

O – stands for OPEN. Body language can reveal a lot! Crossing your legs away from the other person or folding your arms puts up a barrier. Sit with your legs uncrossed, fold your hands on your lap or rest them on the arm rests, in an open posture.

L – stands for LEANING into the conversation. Slouching back in the chair gives a message of not wanting to engage. Look at couples in any restaurant. Young lovers lean into the conversation, gazing into each other’s eyes, entranced by every word that comes through their lover’s lips!  Notice those who ‘lean out’ of the conversation. Oh, the joys of being in love!!

E – stands for EYE CONTACT. Looking someone in the eye gives a message of honesty and wanting to connect. Have you ever greeted someone who gives you a fleeting greeting while looking in the other direction! It gives a message of disinterest whereas it’s probably more often a symptom of anxiety. Smile and look the person in the eye when you greet them. Focus on making them feel important and relaxed! Look at the person speaking to you. It can be quite irritating speaking to a person whose gaze is elsewhere as they convey a message of disinterest.

R – stand for RELAX. Become aware of nervous habits like shaking your legs, fiddling with your hair, or scratching your head while speaking. These habits can be quite distracting.  I tend to use a lot of hand language. I realize this is a distraction when I notice people looking at my hands rather than at me! If you’re not aware of any habit that distracts others, ask a friend who will be honest with you.

Meeting someone for the first time.

Some people stress about what to say when they first meet a person. Just remember that ‘first conversations” have the sole purpose of letting the other person know you’re interested in connecting. It’s not a time for showing off your great intelligence with profound insights. It’s really a time for making small talk about things like the weather. The intelligent stuff can come later!

Change what you believe about yourself, and start acting confident. Good luck and have a good SOLER week!!

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Society Collapse – Personal Collapse?

“Collapse” by Jared Diamond makes for very interesting reading about the factors that led to the collapse of many ancient and modern societies. Some of his insights are very pertinent to running our own lives successfully.

Success or Failure?

As a society we make choices that determine whether we will succeed rather than fail. Diamond basically narrows these choices down to two that seem to have been crucial in tipping the outcome of the society towards success or failure.  These two choices are: long-term planning and a willingness to reconsider core values.

Short-term Planning

A major contributing  factor in society collapse is deforestation. Third World countries allow First World logging companies to deforest their lands because it brings in money and people are able to put food on the table. These short term ‘benefits’ cause a disastrous situation in the long-term as deforestation has ripple effects that put the society in a worse state than when they started.

  • Personal Lesson No. 1 Let go of immediate gratification in favor of long-term planning.

Core Values

The Greenland Norse (AD 1000) did not survive because they hung onto their core identity of being a European pastoral society. Trying to farm cattle in Greenland proved to be a disaster. They would have survived if they had learnt survival lessons from the Inuits.

On the other hand, Tikopia Islanders survived because they eliminated ecologically destructive pigs, even though pigs were their largest domestic animal and a status symbol.

  • Personal Lesson No. 2. It’s really pig-headed to hold onto core values that will ultimately lead to your (or the society’s) downfall.

Some more personal lessons

Long term planning

Diamond refers to “90-day thinking” which involves only focusing on issues likely to blow up in a crisis within the next 90 days. Think ahead. You are the author of your life so ask yourself what you want in the future. And then make a long term plan. A longer-term plan takes you out of short-term reactive decision-making. Psychologically speaking you won’t deforest the landscape for immediate gain.

  • Personal lesson No. 3 Face your problems. In the words of Jared Diamond, you need “the courage to practice long-term thinking, and to make bold, courageous, anticipatory decisions at a time when problems have become perceptible but before they have reached crisis proportions”. Don’t be like an ostrich, the problem won’t go away by hiding your head in the sand. Deal with your problem early on before it gains momentum and gets out of control.

Core Values

Question your values and ask yourself whether they are valid or not. Our values are learnt from our imperfect parents and imperfect society and many should be discarded. Do you do things because that’s the way your parents did it, without questioning why? That’s how sexism, racism and all those other ism’s get perpetuated in society, all justified by a value that has never been properly thought through: “that’s just the way we do it”.

Thank goodness for those brave souls who down the ages have faced the wrath of the status quo in their pursuit of justice, equality and a better world.

Long-term planning ….
Core values …
Gets one thinking doesn’t it?

Click this link to Amazon to purchase the book Collapse by Jared Diamond

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It’s not about YOU!

The boss shouts at you and your mood goes south! Sound familiar? So why does it affect your mood so badly?

For a start we don’t like making mistakes and being shouted at, but hey, that’s life. We learn when we make mistakes. But our biggest mistake is then jumping to the conclusion that we are personally a failure. Your behavior doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. Actions and self-image are two different things but so often we let them contaminate each other.

It’s not about YOU!!

Abraham Lincoln knew this lesson (Time magazine – November 5, 2012). Lincoln never confused his mission with himself. He never allowed his enemies to pull down his self-esteem. “Lincoln had the hide of a rhinoceros and a rare ability to set the past aside when turning former enemies into allies“. In other words, he kept his focus on his goals and the plans to achieve those goals. His self-esteem never entered the picture and remained intact whatever happened. “To Lincoln a grudge was a waste of resources. If a person could be useful, it mattered little whether he was  friend or foe”.

Some lessons to be learnt:

  • Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you’re a mistake because you made a mistake. We learn from our mistakes. Develop the hide of a rhinoceros.
  • Don’t hold grudges. They’re a waste of time and energy.  Can you think of anyone you’re holding a grudge against? Forgive them, not for their sake but your own. Why let the unnecessary weight of unforgiveness drag you down. Be quick to forgive.
  • Focus on your goals and make a plan to achieve them.

Have a good week!

 

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Gender Equality!

“Simply put, no society can truly flourish if it stifles the dreams and productivity of half its population” (Time magazine Oct.1, 2012:30). These are the words of ex-President Bill Clinton speaking about the five ways the world is getting better all the time.

For too long women’s dreams have been stifled, often due to the patriarchal structure of many societies. A successful woman is often viewed as a threat to a man. A misogynistic way of dealing with is to ‘put her in her place’ and ‘put her down’.

According to sociologist Allan G. Johnson, “Misogyny …. is a central part of sexist prejudice and ideology and, as such, is an important basis for the oppression of females in male-dominated societies. Misogyny is manifested in many different ways, from jokes to pornography to violence”.  No wonder many of these women battle with depression and anxiety. (See post on Blaming the Victim)

It’s interesting that young men who have no career ambitions often have the same fears as women with career ambitions. The fear is that no-one will want to marry them. A woman doesn’t want to marry a man with no career ambitions – she is looking for financial stability. And on the other hand many young men don’t want to marry a high-flying career woman because that can be seen as a threat to him!

According to Clinton, things are changing. There is worldwide evidence that women are gaining social and economic power that they never had before. This is good news for women as well as for society as a whole because it’s been proved that women tend to reinvest economic gains back into their families and communities more than men do. Clinton cites a modern trend of more women than men being enrolled in institutions of higher education globally. In South Africa where I live, figures show that 55% of all graduates are women.

Most women who have stayed at home to look after children go back to the workplace at about the age of 34 and will probably continue until retirement. This may be for financial reasons but more often a woman has a need to go out to work to make her mark in the world. There is many a man who sees his wife’s success as a personal threat, resulting in her having no emotional support as she tackles her new work venture into the world. She has to go it alone.

Message to the men

Encourage your partner to become the woman she is meant to be. Enjoy her successes and don’t conclude that her success reflects badly on you. Your support will enable her to fly! It’s not a competition but rather journeying alongside each other.

Message to the women

Be aware that your man might see your success as a threat. Encourage him to support you as your success will result in a happier ‘you’, a fulfilled ‘you’ which can only benefit him as well as your relationship in the long run. Show your appreciation to him as well -you’re partners not competitors in this life!

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