Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression

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Disappearance by Irene Emanuel

May 5, 2013 by Karin Stewart 1 Comment

IRENE_Emanuel

Irene Emanuel

DISAPPEARANCE

Unbearable heaviness;
Inexplicable sadness;
A burden of non-explanation
that’s ripping my façade to shreds.
Weakness encircles my upper body;
A loss of strength
that reduces me
to tearful hopelessness;
A cowering scrap of indecision
that is beyond caring.
In lucid leaps of cognizance,
I am aware of sliding into despair.
I communicate my terror to GOD –
I discuss my emptiness;
the barren strangeness of sound
reverberating through the hallways
of my mind.
Sorrow slouches arrogantly,
spitting out slivers of sharp scorn
at my despondency;
at my un-voiced fears and inadequacies.
I live in devastated ignorance
of my dissemblance.
Would GOD understand my lapse
into nothingness?

BY: IRENE EMANUEL   24-01-2003

Thank you again Irene for sharing this poem.To read “The Darkness” by Irene Emanuel as well as more information about the poet, please  click here

Filed Under: Depression Tagged With: depression

Accepting Help

May 20, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Isn’t it true that many of us like to help other people, but are not so good at accepting help from others? We all have a need to be needed and when we help others we get this need met. This feels good.

But in order to give help we need someone who will accept our offer of help. Now this can be a problem because we have been taught to be independent and self-sufficient. Have you ever offered help to someone and your help has been rejected, even thought it’s clear that the person needs help? Your offer of help is rejected just so the other person can stay feeling self-sufficient and even feel proud of their independence.

Actually as humans we are meant to be interdependent, helping each other and receiving help from others. This is what makes for healthy relationships. When you reject someone’s offer of help you are stopping their ‘need to be needed’ from being met! You’re being quite selfish! So maybe think of an offer of help in another way. Somebody offers you help, think of the other person rather than yourself. By accepting the offer of help you’re giving the other person an opportunity to have their ‘need to be needed’ met. By accepting help you’re giving the other person a chance to feel good about themselves and build up their self-esteem.

Many years ago I read the book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck,  a book I can highly recommend. I’d like to share an example of this principle from his book.

One Sunday as Dr Scott Peck left church it started raining. A patient of his who attended the same church, came up to him and offered him her umbrella. Dr Scott Peck’s reply was ‘no thank you, I’ll just run quickly!’ When he climbed into his car he realized what he had done and was furious with himself. By refusing her help, he had denied this young woman the opportunity to feel needed.

M. Scott Peck’s book, ‘The Road Less Travelled’ is available through Amazon. If you’re interested, just click on the book icon in the sidebar which will link you to Amazon.

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: approval, depression, friends

Survivor Guilt

May 9, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Survivor Guilt is defined as a deep feeling of guilt which is often experienced by those who have survived a disaster that took the lives of many others. It stems in part from a feeling that they didn’t do enough to save the lives of those who died as well as feeling less worthy than those who did die.

Survivor guilt also occurs in situations like a car accident where a person who survives experiences survivor guilt when all the others are killed. Survivor guilt can also be experienced a person who escapes death in a fatal car accident because they changed their minds at the last minute about joining the trip. The question that lingers is why did they survive when the others died.

Survivor Guilt is often the result of distorted thinking. You have to ask yourself what you are really guilty of. Usually the guilt is not based in reality. Although it is terrible losing loved ones, just by living in this world these sorts of things do tragically happen. Holding onto that guilt will debilitate one for a long time. Try to change your thinking to having a sense of gratitude for your life. This type of experience can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome so it is sensible to get help if you’re battling to recover..

Battle of Isandlwana

This past weekend I had the pleasure of going on a day tour to the site of the Anglo/Zulu battlefields in KwaZuluNatal, South Africa. The highlight was seeing the battleground at Isandlwana. The battle between the British and the Zulus that took place here in 1879 was the one where the British suffered their most devastating defeat of the colonial era. The tour really brought this famous battle to life and it was a reminder of the terrible loss of life that occurred.

It is recorded that only 55 British soldiers managed to escape with their lives and probably only managed to outrun the Zulu warriors because they were on horseback. However, a bit further down the line and across the Buffalo river which was the border between Natal and Zululand, it is recorded that about 400 men had been seen crossing the river and escaping. The question that arises is that if the official record showed 55 survivors what happened  to the other 345 who had also been seen escaping?

The answer to this is that they were suffering from survivor guilt. British soldiers who were massacred numbered 1,300. These other 345 survivors literally disappeared into the community. Many were not seen for many years, preferring to be presumed dead rather than face the shame and disgrace of having run away from the scene of the battle and being alive when so many others had died. Our guide Don, said that there was one survivor who only surfaced in his 70’s deciding that he could no longer live ‘a lie’.

I have not doubt that as with the soldiers at Isandlwana, many of our modern day soldiers also suffer from survivor guilt having seen their worthy comrades fall in battle.

Should you be visiting KwaZulu/Natal and would like to do some day tours I can highly recommend the professional services of Don Botterill at Day Tours

Related posts:
Surviving trauma
Trauma – 12 Strategies for Coping

Filed Under: Depression Tagged With: depression, fight or flight

Goals and Desires

April 28, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Many years ago I knew a lady, who struggled enormously with depression and took a lot of medication. On top of that she started her day with a few alcoholic drinks to get her going! Oh, and her marriage was in a mess as well. To be honest I didn’t think her depression would ever lift given the circumstances.

I lost contact with her and then quite a few years later, we crossed paths again. She was so excited. “My depression is gone and I haven’t taken medication for a few years now”. I wondered if she’d got divorced, and that’s why she felt so much better. As if reading my thoughts she continued ‘Oh, and my marriage has also come right and I’m now happily married!’

This all seemed too good to be true so all I could do was ask her how this incredible transformation had come about. These were her words: ‘I decided to stop trying to change my husband and to rather accept him exactly as he is.’  I was truly amazed. She had changed her goal into a desire and that is what had made all the difference!

Goals versus Desires

This lady had made it her life goal to change her husband. This type of goal is doomed to failure as we can’t change another person. It really is outside our control. A goal like this needs to be changed into a desire. The thinking needs to change to something like ‘It would be great if …. happened, but actually it’s outside of my control. A person only changes if they want to do it themselves. It’s not my responsibility. My responsibility is to love and accept that person as they are!’

For this lady, this type of mental change, improved her marriage and helped her overcome depression as well. As she gave up control, her husband felt more accepted and loved, and in turn he became more loving and less critical. Her decision had a positive spiral effect!

Ask yourself if you have goals that are outside of your control. If you do, change these to desires and let go of the urge to control and then see what happens!

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: change your thinking, depression

Procrastination and Depression

April 11, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

A common problem for anyone suffering from depression is ‘doing nothing’.  Unfortunately this type of thinking is never going to get you better.

Thoughts Ask yourself “When I think of those tasks that I haven’t done, what thoughts come immediately to mind?”  Maybe it’s thoughts like “I’m not in the mood.  I’m going to fail anyway. I don’t have the energy. I’m useless. I don’t feel like doing anything so I don’t have to. I’ll just stay in bed, sleep and forget, it’s easier”. Do any of these sound familiar?

Emotions Our thoughts direct our emotions. How do these thoughts make you feel? Probably bored, tired, discouraged, overwhelmed and useless.

Behavior And then with these sorts of thoughts and emotions, it’s not surprising that ‘doing-nothing’ behavior, or procrastination, is the result!  ‘Doing nothing’ convinces you that you are inadequate. And you sink further into the pit of doing nothing!

How to change the cycle

Change your behavior and prove your thoughts to be wrong! Ask yourself some pertinent questions.

  • Fear of failure?  ‘It’s safer doing nothing than risk failing’! This is a common underlying fear of a perfectionist. Learn to enjoy the process and don’t stay fixed on outcomes.
  • Fear of Criticism? Doing something runs the risk of being criticized. True, but so what? Enjoy the process and stop placing other peoples criticisms in such high regard.

Just do something, however small, as any meaningful activity will give you a decent chance of improving your mood. Do it, despite not feeling like doing it. Don’t always trust your feelings. When you’re depressed you might feel like staying in bed the whole day, but it really is the worst thing for you to do!

If you want to learn more about the effects of thoughts on your behavior click here.

I highly recommend the book By David Burns called Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, illustrated in the right sidebar. It is the book that helped me enormously in my journey of overcoming depression. Click on the book image and it will take you to the Amazon site, where all of David Burns’ books are available. I have several of his books and can really recommend them all.

Filed Under: Depression, Perfectionism Tagged With: depression, perfectionism

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