September 9, 2013 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Feeling inadequate?

Think about it…

Feeling inadequate is not a sin. However it is wrong to act on those feelings and drive yourself unmercifully to prove that you are not inadequate. I know what that feels like. At one stage, I thought ‘superwoman’ was my middle name!

Misplaced energy like that can destroy relationships and it’s a terrible strain living with someone who’s constantly trying to prove she’s `superwoman’, all part of an attempt to hide feelings of inadequacy.

Here’s some very simple advice

1. Lighten Up!! Stop trying to outsmart the next person to prove you’re better than them. Give them a chance to shine and be superwoman as well!

2. When you feel inadequate, watch your self-talk. These feelings don’t prove that you ARE inadequate. That’s ‘Faulty Emotional Reasoning‘.

Faulty Emotional Reasoning is common among people with depression. Let me use an example you might be familiar with. You don’t feel like getting out of bed and because you feel this way, you conclude that it’s a bad idea to get out of bed. Wrong! The very best thing is to force yourself out of bed and DO something. Staying in bed is just going to make you feel more inadequate. You don’t have to act out your feelings.

3. Most people feel inadequate at times. Welcome to the real world! Ask yourself how you’ve coped in the past with feelings of inadequacy. In this situation it might just be the motivation you need to gain new skills to cope with whatever you’re facing.

But trying to be ‘Superwoman’ is a no-no!

All that effort could ultimately drive you to burn-out. It’s just not worth it.

March 27, 2013 by Karin Stewart 5 Comments

Self-defeating Attitudes and Fears

Are you your own worst enemy?

What we think or believe affects the way we live our lives. See if any of these common self-defeating attitudes and fears apply to you. Try to work out how these attitudes just make your life a misery. Do any of these give you a light-bulb experience “that’s me!!” . If so, take note of the thought, check it out with others and really examine why this attitude might just cause you misery in the long run, why it might not be worth holding onto.

Self- defeating Attitudes and Fears

It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself.
If a person criticizes me, it means there’s something wrong with me.
I must always please people and live up to everyone’s expectations.
I am basically defective and inferior to others.
Other people are to blame for my problems.
The world should always be the way I want it to be.
Other people should always meet my expectations.
If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It’s not really safe to feel happy and optimistic.I’m hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve.
I must always try to be perfect.That’s the only way to be happy.

Actually Perfectionism can make a person very unhappy!

Can you recognize yourself in this list?

Moralistic perfectionism: I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard.

Performance perfectionism: To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do.

Identity perfectionism: People will never accept me as an imperfect vulnerable human being.

Emotional perfectionism: I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed.I must always try to be happy.

Romantic perfectionism: I must find a perfect partner and always feel infatuated with him or her.

Relationship perfectionism: People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other.

Appearance perfectionism: I look ugly because I’m slightly overweight (or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish).

Recognize yourself in any of these? I know I do!

Ask yourself

does it benefit me to hold onto this particular belief?
Is this belief really true and helpful?
What steps can I take that will allow me to rid myself of self-defeating attitudes and unrealistic and replace them with others that are more objective and more uplifting?

March 16, 2013 by Karin Stewart 3 Comments

Stop child depression developing

stop child deprssion — Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

“You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
“Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
“You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
“Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.

October 8, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Stop pretending – J.K.Rowling

Recently, while helping out at an Old Age Home, I asked a group of the residents if there was one piece of advice about living that they would give to a younger person.

“What do you mean?” the one lady asked.
“Well when I was young” I replied, “I was so worried about what people would think about me, so I always tried to do the ‘right’ thing, do what people expected of me”.
“Oh, yes! We know all about that” they replied.
“To heck with what other people think, you’ve got to be true to yourself.” answered one the ladies quite vehemently. “Live your life and enjoy your life. Relax and stop worrying about how other people think you should live your life.”

It was the vehemence of the reply that gave me quite a surprise!

I found the following quote from “The Casual Vacancy” by J.K. Rowling in the Time Magazine, October 8, 2012. It gives a similar message.

“The mistake 99% of humanity made, as far as Fats could see, was being ashamed of what they were; lying about it, trying to be somebody else. Honesty was Fats’ currency, his weapon and defense. It frightened people when you were honest it shocked them. Other people, Fats had discovered, were mired in embarrassment and pretense, terrified that their truths might leak out, but Fats was attracted by rawness, by everything that was ugly but honest, by the dirty things about which the likes of his father felt humiliated and disgusted.”

The sooner we come to terms with who we are and start ‘liking’ the unique person that we are, the sooner we’ll live life to the full. Self-love and self-acceptance (not selfishness) are very attractive attributes. I really don’t enjoy the company of people who try to pretend they’re perfect, somebody they’re not. One just senses straight away that there’s something fake going on.

And come to think of it, who sets the standard of what is perfect?
Certainly not any other human being! The only way to be perfect is to be true to yourself. Some might not like it, but that’s their loss. Be yourself and stop pretending!

And by the way, the Casual Vacancy by R.K.Rowling was well reviewed in the Time Magazine article. Click here to see the book on Amazon.

May 2, 2012 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Perfectionism

“If you can’t do something perfectly, don’t do it at all.”

We’ve all heard this saying, either from ourselves or our perfectionist friends. We all grow up learning how to deal with the world and these beliefs get ‘hard-wired’ into our brains and guide the way we behave. So just because you believe that if you can’t do something perfectly, it’s better not to do it at all, doesn’t mean to say that it is true! Perfectionists are very prone to depression because their standards of how the world should be and how other people should be, are just not based in reality. Thinking is so often black or white, rather than in the middle gray area.

Trying to be perfect can rob one of enjoyment as well as the pleasure of trying out new activities.

If you are battling with depression one thing you could do to overcome depression is to examine your underlying thoughts. See if you can replace the thought or belief with one that is grounded more in reality. Try and think of the reasons why your belief might not be worth holding onto.

I can think of several reasons for discarding the belief “if you can’t do something perfectly, don’t do it at all.” I enjoy doing crafts and trying out new things. If the aim of my hobbies were to achieve perfection in all I do, I would have to give up before I even start! I’d achieve nothing! There is no way that I can do all I want to do ‘perfectly’. My aim is not perfection, but rather enjoyment. I’m focused on the process, not the end result. This is why perfectionists are so often procrastinators as well. In fact it is often the non-perfectionist who achieves far more in the long run than the perfectionist.

Learn to change your underlying beliefs and start enjoying life! Click here for some tips on doing this. Enjoy the ride and don’t only focus on the destination!