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October 8, 2013 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

Quit begging for love

begging for love

All our behavior is motivated by a need and the Need for Love is a big one.

Who doesn’t want to be loved? But so often when you come across as desperate for love your attempts fail and it actually has the opposite effect – it drives people away and your love tank remains empty.

Quit Begging for LOVE!

STOP begging for love and admiration if your loved one isn’t willing to give it.

How do you beg for love?

  •  You beg when you constantly whine and complain, or in some cases, get upset, when your emotional or physical needs aren’t being met.
  • You beg when you allow that person to send you into depression because you don’t feel attractive or wanted.
  • You beg when you silently cry because you feel they doesn’t love you. (Feelings don’t always represent the truth)
  • You beg when you show your signs of hurt and despair each time you see someone else getting the love that should be reserved for you.

Let’s look at some examples

When you see your partner enjoying another person’s company you get upset. The only possible reason to get upset is because you see this as a sign that they don’t really love you. Can you think of another reason?

When your loved one doesn’t hold your hand or shower you with compliments, or send you flowers you get upset. So you sulk and withdraw expecting them to figure out what they did wrong. How unfair! Nobody is able to mind-read.

Nobody is able to fully meet your need for love … so quit all this trying!

Focus on loving yourself for the truly amazing person that you are.
Compliment yourself on the things you do.
Stop waiting for someone to validate you – it might never come and life will pass you by.

Inner love is very appealing to others and is a sure way of getting others to love you. Basically you’re taking the pressure off the other person. You’re allowing them to be the person that they are meant to be without them having to be hyper-vigilante at doing ‘the right thing’ to keep you happy and feeling loved.

All the things you’d like others to do for you focus on trying to do these very same things for others … You might be surprised at what happens. Make a list so this doesn’t just become a theoretical exercise.

‘So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets’. Matthew 7:12

If you are in a dating relationship and experiencing these issues, I strongly suggest you re-evaluate your expectations in the relationship. If you find it difficult to accept your partner for exactly who they are before you marry, I assure you it’s not going to get better after you’re married.

If you’re in a committed marriage, re-evaluate your expectations.  When your partner does something that you interpret as a sign that they don’t love you, ask yourself if your interpretation is correct. Your reaction could stem from your great neediness for love.

Two pieces of marriage advice that changed my life.

When I was newly married (36 years ago now) an older friend said to me. “Do not expect your husband to meet all of your needs, just as you won’t be able to meet all of his”. Wow! I thought my role as a wife was to meet all his needs. This insight was truly freeing!

When your partner does something that you interpret as them not loving you, ask yourself: Was my partner intentionally trying to hurt me? Usually the answer is no as we all do or say things that unintentionally hurt others. In this case, let it be, ignore it and move on.

Self love is what you’re aiming for, rather than nagging, complaining and sulking. Self-love is what will ultimately get your need for love met.

Filed Under: Attitude, Blog, Relationships Tagged With: love

March 30, 2013 by Karin Stewart Leave a Comment

A Gift Diary to Remember YOU are Loved

A GIFT DIARY

Do you feel that nobody loves you? Maybe even feeling a bit resentful to your partner? Sometimes our thinking can be a bit skewed and we only see the negative, discounting any positive aspects in our lives. Using a gift diary will help sort out that kind of negative thinking and can revitalize a fading relationship.

First step is to get a small notebook to use as your gift diary.

gift diary

DAILY RECORD 

  1. Record three ‘gifts’ you give and receive from your partner every day, starting with today. If you don’t have a partner, think of a person who you are close to. These gifts don’t have to be material gifts and certainly don’t have to be big. Be on the look out for little gifts, like when your partner did or said something kind or helpful to you. Record in your diary words like “I appreciated your help with… .  I appreciated the way you….I appreciated the look you gave me when…”
  2. Talk about these gifts with your partner before you go to bed at night. This way you and your partner can start learning from each other the small actions that make you feel loved. Share how this gift made you feel.
  3. Say Thank You Many people find it hard to receive gifts and minimize the good things that are said and done to them. Say thank you – this makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. We all like to be appreciated and loved, and you’ll find that your partner will want to give you more.

MY PARTNER’S DREAM GIFT INVENTORY

  1. Again using your gift diary, create a list of the things you think your partner values receiving. This can be hard but don’t miss this step.
  2. Now check this list out with your partner. Were you accurate, and is there anything that you’ve missed out. Add this to your list. It’s amazing how many times we presume that we know what our partner likes, but are wrong. This presumption is based on what we like and then presume everybody else is the same as us. Wrong!!
  3. Find out details about each dream gift. What time of day, in what setting, and how often would your partner like to receive your gift?

The point of this exercise is to shift how you relate to your partner from the unconscious to the conscious.When we relate from the unconscious, it has more to do with what we think our partner wants.When we relate from a conscious level, we relate to our partner from what we know our partner wants.

If your partner doesn’t acknowledge your gifts gently ask whether they see what you did as a gift. For example you may enjoy buying flowers or chocolates for your partner. You’re excited but you find they’re not. The only way to know if they see it as ‘a gift’ is by asking. Don’t criticize them for not appreciating you and being ungrateful as that will defeat the purpose! If they value it as a gift, continue with this gift, knowing in your heart that it’s accepted as a gift.

Instead of guessing little gifts that your partner might like, ask them directly. We’re all different so what you see as a gift might not be what your partner sees as a gift. It’s okay to be different!

Keep adding to your DREAM GIFT INVENTORY by becoming sensitive to comments that your partner makes in passing about their dreams and desires. Your partner will feel SO loved when your gift meets their need!

And that after all is the point of a gift diary, to give and receive love.

Filed Under: Attitude Tagged With: be creative, love

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