Slave Mentality – from ‘Kathie’ by Dora Taylor

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I’ve just finished reading “Kathie”, by Dora Taylor. It’s a fascinating story of life in the 1950′s for the ‘colored’ people of South Africa. Taylor explores slave mentality and the dilemmas of racial identity in a country where superiority or inferiority lay in the degree of skin pigmentation. I found this book enthralling and definitely very worthwhile reading for anyone interested in knowing more about what life was like under apartheid.

kathie-novel-dora-taylor-paperback-cover-art

Clicking on the book image will take you to Amazon.

Slave Mentality

In the book “Kathie”, the author makes reference to ‘slave mentality‘. Nowadays many people are slaves on a psychological level. Think about it. What are you a slave to? What’s holding you back from a life unfettered by chains and enjoying a life of freedom?

slave mentality

Who is your master? Could it be alcohol, drug or sex addictions? What about the way you think? Low self-esteem, fear of what others might think, a victim mentality, depressed thinking? Any of these can keep a person in chains, preventing a life of freedom. Let’s not forget attitudes like resentment and a lack of forgiveness – these can also hold one in chains.

As you read this excellent extract from the book “Kathie” think about the things that keep you in chains.

‘Beware of slave mentality,’ said Ndwana. ‘It is a cunning sickness. We may  have it without knowing we have it.’

‘How may we diagnose it?’ 

‘That is a good question,’ answered Ndwana. ‘He who has the mind of a slave accepts the existing order of things as unchanging and unchangeable, because his master has told him it is so. He does not question it; still less does he try to change it. When he is kicked he cringes; he fawns on the hand that smites him. He begs for crumbs for himself, but not his brother; he slinks into a corner to lick his own wounds, but does not see the wounds of his brother; bullied by his master, he bullies those who are even more unfortunate than himself. Robbed of will and reason, he becomes stupid and hardened of feelings for others. He loses the very power to think of himself as a man.’

‘It is a grim picture,’

…..’Stupid lies masquerade as the truth. And you yourselves believe them….’ (Taylor 2008:333)

We act on whatever we believe to be the truth, even stupid lies that seem like the truth. The only way to break free is to see the lies for what they are and expose these lies to the light of truth.

John 8:32 “…Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

“Kathie” by Dora Taylor is available from Amazon.


A Gift Diary to Remember YOU are Loved

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A GIFT DIARY

Do you feel that nobody loves you? Maybe even feeling a bit resentful to your partner? Sometimes our thinking can be a bit skewed and we only see the negative, discounting any positive aspects in our lives. Using a gift diary will help sort out that kind of negative thinking and can revitalize a fading relationship.

First step is to get a small notebook to use as your gift diary.

gift diary

DAILY RECORD 

  1. Record three ‘gifts’ you give and receive from your partner every day, starting with today. If you don’t have a partner, think of a person who you are close to. These gifts don’t have to be material gifts and certainly don’t have to be big. Be on the look out for little gifts, like when your partner did or said something kind or helpful to you. Record in your diary words like “I appreciated your help with… .  I appreciated the way you….I appreciated the look you gave me when…”
  2. Talk about these gifts with your partner before you go to bed at night. This way you and your partner can start learning from each other the small actions that make you feel loved. Share how this gift made you feel.
  3. Say Thank You Many people find it hard to receive gifts and minimize the good things that are said and done to them. Say thank you – this makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. We all like to be appreciated and loved, and you’ll find that your partner will want to give you more.

MY PARTNER’S DREAM GIFT INVENTORY

  1. Again using your gift diary, create a list of the things you think your partner values receiving. This can be hard but don’t miss this step.
  2. Now check this list out with your partner. Were you accurate, and is there anything that you’ve missed out. Add this to your list. It’s amazing how many times we presume that we know what our partner likes, but are wrong. This presumption is based on what we like and then presume everybody else is the same as us. Wrong!!
  3. Find out details about each dream gift. What time of day, in what setting, and how often would your partner like to receive your gift?

The point of this exercise is to shift how you relate to your partner from the unconscious to the conscious.When we relate from the unconscious, it has more to do with what we think our partner wants.When we relate from a conscious level, we relate to our partner from what we know our partner wants.

If your partner doesn’t acknowledge your gifts gently ask whether they see what you did as a gift. For example you may enjoy buying flowers or chocolates for your partner. You’re excited but you find they’re not. The only way to know if they see it as ‘a gift’ is by asking. Don’t criticize them for not appreciating you and being ungrateful as that will defeat the purpose! If they value it as a gift, continue with this gift, knowing in your heart that it’s accepted as a gift.

Instead of guessing little gifts that your partner might like, ask them directly. We’re all different so what you see as a gift might not be what your partner sees as a gift. It’s okay to be different!

Keep adding to your DREAM GIFT INVENTORY by becoming sensitive to comments that your partner makes in passing about their dreams and desires. Your partner will feel SO loved when your gift meets their need!

And that after all is the point of a gift diary, to give and receive love.


Self-defeating Attitudes and Fears

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Are you your own worst enemy?

What we think or believe affects the way we live our lives. See if any of these common self-defeating attitudes and fears apply to you. Try to work out how these attitudes just make your life a misery. Do any of these give you a light-bulb experience “that’s me!!” . If so, take note of the thought, check it out with others and really examine why this attitude might just cause you misery in the long run, why it might not be worth holding onto.

Self- defeating Attitudes and Fears

  •  It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself.
  • If a person criticizes me, it means there’s something wrong with me.
  • I must always please people and live up to everyone’s expectations.
  • I am basically defective and inferior to others.
  • Other people are to blame for my problems.
  • The world should always be the way I want it to be.
  • Other people should always meet my expectations.
  • If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It’s not really safe to feel happy and optimistic.I’m hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve.
  • I must always try to be perfect.That’s the only way to be happy.

Actually Perfectionism can make a person very unhappy!

perfectionism

Can you recognize yourself in this list?

Moralistic perfectionism: I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard.

Performance perfectionism: To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do.

Identity perfectionism: People will never accept me as an imperfect vulnerable human being.

Emotional perfectionism:  I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed.I must always try to be happy.

Romantic perfectionism: I must find a perfect partner and always feel infatuated with him or her.

Relationship perfectionism: People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other.

Appearance perfectionism: I look ugly because I’m slightly overweight (or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish).

Recognize yourself in any of these? I know I do!

Ask yourself

  • does it benefit me to hold onto this particular belief?
  • Is this belief really true and helpful?
  • What steps can I take that will allow me to rid myself of self-defeating attitudes and unrealistic and replace them with others that are more objective and more uplifting?


Stop child depression developing

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stop child deprssion

Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their  child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

  • if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

  • “You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
  • “Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
  • “You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
  • “Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.


President Obama on ‘being perfect’

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Obama Arrives In New York

President Obama on ‘being perfect’

On ‘Being perfect’

‘We were never sent here to be perfect. We were sent here to make what difference we can’.

These words were spoken by President Obama, during the State of the Union address, urging Congress to take up measures dealing with such issues as gun control, climate change and investment in infrastructure.

Forget about being perfect – it’s a waste of precious energy. Do whatever you can to the best of your ability and you will make a difference in your world.


Anger Management Techniques

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Why are anger management techniques a good idea?

Why can’t we just blow a fuse and carry on with life? To put it simply, blowing a fuse won’t do you any good in the long run. Before exploding rather think about the long term consequences in your relationships and your own blood pressure! Try to think of your life as a play where you can re-script the story and have a happier ending by using some anger management techniques.

The 3 R’s – Anger Management Techniques

  • Retreat. Step back from the argument with a bit of time-out. Take a deep breath and think before yelling out the first ugly thought that pops into your head.
  • Rethink. Listen to exactly what the other person is saying. Often we listen to our own interpretation of the situation rather than to what is actually said. So get in touch with your feelings. Ask yourself why the situation affect you so badly. What meaning are you giving to the situation. Brainstorm possible solutions to the problem. It’s usually better to focus on the facts of the situation than let emotions run the show.
  • Respond. Now that you’re calmer you can respond without any defensiveness or sarcasm. If you’ve offended the other person, an apology can go a long way to restoring a relationship.
These Anger Management Techniques are well worth practicing, for your mental health and those around you!
                        Dealing with anger and criticism

 


True Joy in Life

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George Bernard Shaw

 

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy”.

George Bernard Shaw

 

 

 

In other words, stop being self-absorbed, focus your energy and abilities on making a difference to the world around you!! Don’t expect the world to make you happy – you’ll be disappointed. Only you can make yourself happy, so if you’re unhappy, change your attitude and get involved in life.


The Critic – Theodore Roosevelt

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The Critic - Theodore Roosevelt

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly  who errs and comes up short again and again … who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.” – Theodore Roosevelt

There is so much wisdom in this saying, the difficulty is where to start!

Some people seem to gain self-esteem by believing that they raise themselves up by putting down others. Not so! Look to the good in others and get involved in a worthy cause.  That’s the way to build yourself up rather than destroy relationships.


Shirley, Goodness and Mercy

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“Shirley, Goodness and Mercy” by Chris van Wyk is the fascinating childhood memoir of life in a Coloured township during the apartheid days in South Africa. It is well written and humorous. I can definitely recommend it particularly to all South Africans.

“One afternoon Greg comes home from school crying….

‘What’s the matter? asks his sister Kathy.
‘Arlene hit me.’
Arlene is Kathy’s age and they attend the same school. But that counts for nothing, it seems, when family honour is at stake. Kathy dons her fighting garb of shorts and T-shirt and prepares to stick up for her younger brother. She grabs Greg’s hand and storms off up the road to where Arlene stays. Kathy walks right in and delivers a couple of slaps to Arlene’s face and warns her to ‘Leave my brother alone!’

That evening Arlene’s dad comes to complain at the Van Wyks.
‘Is this true, Kathy?’ her father asks her.

That evening Kathy’s dad makes his daughter and son move a few dozen bricks from one place in the yard to another. This is punishment for slapping Arlene.

Greg sniffles and complains about what he sees as an injustice but Kathy says, ‘Don’t worry, they don’t realize that carrying bricks around just makes us stronger.’

Moral of the story : It’s all about perceptions, whether we see the glass as half-full or half-empty.

Do you identify with Greg sniffling and complaining how life is so unfair? Or can you see the situation from another perspective like Kathy? Carrying bricks, or facing up to difficulties can in the end make you stronger. All depends on attitude.

 


Dealing with anger and criticism

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dealing with anger and criticism

Ever felt crushed by other people’s anger and criticism? How do you deal with it? Do you fire back? Or do you clam up and feel sorry for yourself?

We all see the world differently. We all have different values and expectations and our differences are what make life interesting and challenging.. We can’t please everyone and if we’re honest about who we are, we will more than likely encounter anger and criticism along the way.

3 STEPS TO SUCCESSFULLY DEAL WITH ANGER AND CRITICISM 

Learn these steps and turn a bad situation into a positive experience. From personal experience I know this technique works fantastically! Do yourself a favor – learn these and try them out.

Step 1: Empathy

Yes, “empathy”, you read right! This might sound like a strange response to someone who is criticizing you, but at this point, it is not about you.

DO NOT defend yourself even if you feel the criticism is unjust. This seems to be our normal automatic response even if our critic is right. Nobody really enjoys being criticized. Find out the exact details of what the person means by asking them questions. Criticism is often very general so you need to get the specifics. Specific questions will lead you to concrete problems that can be dealt with.
Try and see the situation through the eyes of the critic.
Listen objectively.

DO NOT judge the person either, and remind yourself that this is only their opinion. It’s not necessarily the gospel truth. By following this technique your opponent will run out of steam which will then allow you to have a sensible discussion.

Step 2: Disarm the critic

1.Find a grain of truth in what was said. Whether you agree or not find some way to agree with him, even if it’s just in principle that he may be right.

2. Avoid sarcasm or defensiveness. You will want to defend yourself but this is a MAJOR mistake and will lead to open warfare.

3. Always speak the truth. Your opponent will soon run out of ammunition.

Step 3: Feedback and negotiation

Now that your critic has been heard, you can explain your position and emotions. Tactfully but assertively and negotiate any real differences.If you are wrong the critics’ respect for you will increase because of how you handled the situation. If you agree with him, thank the person for providing you with the information and apologize for any hurt you might have caused.

BELIEVE ME, THIS TECHNIQUE REALLY WORKS!!

Soon after I’d learnt these 3 steps I had a chance to put these steps into practice. I was giving a public talk on depression when a gentleman raised his hand to ask a question. This man was a lawyer and I felt I was being grilled in the witness box! I listened attentively while thinking:

Don’t defend yourself
Find a grain of truth in what he’s saying

Having done this, I explained my position. He melted into a ‘meek little baby’ and we were able to move on. The technique worked so well that many people congratulated me on how I handled this rather difficult man. Was I ever so thankful for just having learnt the technique!

My Defensive Friend and her Son

Let me tell you this good everyday example.

Situation: My friend was late for picking up her son from school. When he got into the car he said “You’re late!”

Friend’s response: ”I was at the shop and that took longer than I expected and …  then the traffic …. (blah, blah, blah!)

Can you see the problem with this reply?
It’s defensive and she hasn’t acknowledged the grain of truth in what her son said. He said “you’re late!’. The truthful and un-defensive reply should rather have been something like “Yes, you’re right, I am 10 minutes late.” She was actually responding to the question “Why are you  late?”, a question that the son hadn’t even asked.

Once she changed her defensive style of responding, the family relationships all turned around for the better. They all wondered what had happened to their normally prickly wife and mother!

Related post: The Joy of Honesty