Relationships | Overcoming Depression

Do dogs really need life-jackets?

Recently my husband and I went on holiday to Taiwan, to see our son and his family. It was mid-summer and very hot and humid. So it was a real treat spending a few days at a beach resort where swimming was like jumping into a pleasantly warm bath.

Life there is very different to South Africa where I live so I enjoyed being an ‘observer’, and soaking up the culture.

THEN ….

I gazed across into the water and saw two dogs swimming in the sea. That sounds okay doesn’t it? These dogs were Labradors, water dogs who love swimming, given half a chance. But, I couldn’t believe it that the owners had put these dogs into life-jackets. Not dog life-jackets but life-jackets designed for humans! I’ve never heard of dogs needing life jackets to get into water! (So I did get quite a surprise when I found quite a selection of ‘dogs in life-jackets’ on Google Images). They either love water or hate water and will behave accordingly. I’d love to have known what these dogs were thinking!

This got me thinking …

In an attempt to be helpful we can also ‘kill’ others with kindness. Fixing up other people, even if they haven’t asked for help, can make us feel worthwhile and feel good. It’s all about ourselves, actually and little to do with the other person. But, when we try fixing up people, putting them in life-jackets, when they haven’t asked, can have disastrous effects.

I wondered whether the dogs would try resisting this so-called ‘help’ from their owner? It might want to bite, but only a fool bites the hand that feeds. Maybe the thought was there!

Helping others

It’s good to help others, but not like the dog owners, insisting on helping when no help is really needed. It might make us feel needed and worthwhile but can actually harm the other person. The Labradors could even drown if their human designed life-jackets got caught on some debris. In the same way we can ‘drown’ others by creating dependence.

Some people unconsciously encourage others dependence. A clue to recognizing a person’s unhealthy need for others dependence is when they say or even complain about how much the other person ‘needs’ them, and maybe also how ungrateful the other person is.

How to help

Believe in another person’s ability to grow and solve their own problem – the Labradors, given a chance could swim without the life-jackets!
Don’t just go ahead and try fixing-up another person – that’s impolite and disrespectful. Be careful! Your intentions might be good, but you’re giving the message that you know better how to live the other person’s life than they do. Don’t be surprised if the person being ‘helped’ turns round and ‘bites’ you. You’ll become the victim and will undoubtedsly become resentful of how the other person has treated you – ‘after all you’re only trying to help’. (If you recognize this situation, click here for more insights on co-dependence.)

By all means throw a life-jacket to a friend who needs it, but don’t strap a life-jacket or a strait-jacket onto a friend who doesn’t!

Book Reviews

These book reviews are for some of my favorite books that I personally recommend.

David D. Burns – The New Mood Therapy

David Burns, ‘Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy’

This is a Cognitive Behavior Therapy self-help book that has become my ‘internalized’ reference to most of what I write. The article on Psychological Aspects of Depression will give you more insights of the sort of things covered in this book. More … Highly Recommended!

Gail Sheehy – Passages

Gail Sheehy, ‘Passages’.

It can be very empowering to have an understanding of all the stages that we go through as adults. It is not only children who go through developmental stages! More…

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Richard Carlson – ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff’

This is an excellent book of 100 short stories of ‘simple ways to keep the little things from taking over your life’. Each story is a very quick read of about 1 page. If you take it to heart and implement some of Carlson’s suggestions, your life will definitely change for the better! More …

I Can’t Get Over It – A Handbook for Trauma Survivors

Aphrodite Matsakis – ‘I Can’t Get Over It, A Handbook for Trauma Survivors

This excellent book explains post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD can be the after effect of crime, motor accidents, rape, family violence, family violence, sexual abuse and natural catastrophes. This book helps you identify the triggers and deal with the related problems such as depression and anxiety. Click here to visit my related post on surviving trauma.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross – ‘On Death and Dying’

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross – ‘On Death and Dying’

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (July 8, 1926 – August 24, 2004) was a Swiss American psychiatrist, who authored the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying.

She formulated the Kübler-Ross model which outlines the 5 stages of grief a person goes through when experiencing a loss. Understanding these phases can enormously help the healing process as you don’t need to be overwhelmed by the many emotions and feeling that will come your way. Click here to read my article on the 5 Stages of Grief.

Mad as Hell!!

How do you react when someone makes you angry? Do you come out ‘guns-a-blazin’ ready to annihilate the other person?
Or do you sulk and and give the cold shoulder.
Neither of these ways will result in a successful outcome. Read on …

South African Taxi-drivers
I live in South Africa and our taxi-drivers make me really mad! I’m not talking about your regular cab-driver but mini-bus taxi drivers. Mini-bus taxis are the main transport for thousands of South Africans. They drive dangerously and are a law unto themselves. Driving through red traffic lights and overtaking on solid white lines are minor transgressions. Most road deaths here are from accidents involving these mini-bus taxis.

A time when I was as Mad as Hell!
I was fetching my daughter from school when I was caught in a minor traffic jam. A bit of patience and we’d get through without huge delays. I was chilling out when I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the taxi behind me starting to overtake me on a solid white line and on a blind corner. I was furious! No ways was I going to let him in and I quickly closed the gap between me and the car in front.

I soon changed my mind! My blood pressure was rising and I realised that I wouldn’t win. Taxi-drivers here don’t mind dents in their vehicles, but I do. I could see he was trying to push me off the road. I gave up and let him in but was still very angry!

Thinking further down the line!
I then thought that my determination not to let him in, could possibly contribute to a terrible accident. What if he collided head-on with an innocent motorist coming round the corner. That sort of accident could be averted if I just let him in. So even though I had a right to be angry, and felt justified not letting him in, I had to think a bit further down the road about the possible consequences of my behavior? (I wish he had done the same.)

Although innocent I had to take responsibility for how my angry reaction could aggravate the situation.

THREE WAYS TO RESPOND TO ANGER!

The ‘Mad’ route
The ‘Sad’ route
The ‘Glad’ route. Why ‘Glad’? Well, ‘glad’ rhymes with mad and sad and so is easy to remember! We need to aim for the ‘Glad route’ where everyone ends up happy.

The Mad Route
When someone criticizes you do you attack them back? Many people justify their angry outbursts by saying ‘that’s the way I am – I blow up and then it’s all over’. However, that sounds like a shotgun firing, and what about the damage that’s left behind? The implication of this kind of remark is that you’re not responsible for your behavior.

If you get mad when someone criticizes you the implication is that you’re perfect and don’t make mistakes. ‘How dare so-and-so criticize me, the perfect one!’ By the way an anger response is very common to a perfectionist..

Getting ‘mad’ badly affects your joy and health. Excessive anger leads to raised blood pressure and a possible heart attack as well. It causes anxiety for those around you. We can conclude that a knee-jerk ‘mad’ response is a BAD IDEA!

The Sad route
When someone is angry with you do you have a ‘pity-party’? Poor me! Or maybe you withdraw, give the cold shoulder, or the silent treatment for a few days. The problem with this type of response is that it is very manipulative. Getting mad is an active anger response, withdrawing is a passive anger response. It is not loving and actually quite self-centred.

Bottling up your anger can lead to bitterness and poisons the system. You can bet your bottom dollar it will find release somewhere, even after a very long time. I have heard people spew out long built up resentment and it’s not pleasant. A bit like an old-fashioned pressure cooker which leaves a mess everywhere when it explodes.

The Glad response
To get the best result when someone is angry with you need to watch your tongue. Count to 10 before your respond. Think before you speak. Ask yourself if it is really worth loosing your cool over the issue.

I think we can learn a valuable lesson from Abraham Lincoln. When he had to write a letter to someone who had irritated him, he would often write two letters. The first letter was deliberately insulting (giving full vent to his anger). Then, having got those feelings out of his system, he would tear it up and write a second letter, this one tactful and discreet.

3 STEPS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH ANGER

Step 1. If someone is angry with you RULE ONE is do not defend yourself. Yes, you read right – DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF! We have two ears and one mouth so we need to listen twice as much as we speak! Listen to what the other person has to say.

A person who immediately becomes defensive usually responds this way because of a poor self-esteem. Do not defend yourself and remind yourself that the angry person is entitled to his opinion and that is all it is, his opinion.

Step 2. Listen for a grain of truth in what the other person is saying and acknowledge it to the other person. At this point it is not about you but about making the other person feel heard and loved. Find out more. Even if you feel there is no truth you can still be loving. Thank the person for sharing their feelings. Listen because the person can be right or wrong, or somewhere in between. How are you going to know if you don’t listen! None of us are perfect (that’s a fact!) and maybe we can learn something from the other person’s criticisms.

Step 3. Clear up any misunderstanding. Respect the other person for having the guts to share their feelings with you. Speak the truth in love

The Book of Psalms in The Old Testament is full of wisdom about anger. Here’s a selection of wise sayings.

Don’t make friends with people who have hot, violent tempers. You might learn their habits and not be able to change. Proverbs 22: 24-25

People with quick tempers cause a lot of quarreling and trouble. Proverbs: 29:22

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29

Hot tempers cause arguments, but patience brings peace. Proverbs 15:18

People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser people remain calm. Proverbs 14:17

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs19:11

A fool gives full vent to his anger – a wise man keeps himself under control. Proverbs 29:11

Come to think of it, the world would be a better place if we all learnt how to deal with anger, wouldn’t it?

Improving your partner!

Did you hear about the bridal couple?

Bride: “Pastor, I’m really worried I’ll forget something.”
Pastor: “It’s a piece of cake, walk down the aisle, to the altar, sing the hymn.”
Groom: “So it’s aisle, then altar, then hymn?”
Pastor: “Right!”

The big day arrives and they’re about to walk in the church.

Groom: “Ready?”
Bride: “Yes….
Aisle, altar, hymn …
I’ll, altar, hymn …
I’ll alter hymn …
I’ll alter him.
Got it!”

Youngsters think change is a piece of cake. “I love you so much, I promise I’ll change.” Or “My love can change him.” Women marry alcoholics thinking, “I’ll be able to stop him from drinking.” The wife thinks she can ‘save’ the husband from himself. It’s not only alcohol but drug addictions and a list of other things that could unconsciously attract the partner. “If I succeed in changing my partner, my life will prove to have been worthwhile”.. is the unconscious thought.

Reality is different! The chances of winning the lottery are greater than the chances of the husband stopping! Change might only happen in old age and probably more to do with the husband having alcoholic liver failure, than the wife’s moans.

Promises are often simply words. Action is needed for change. The late 20’s is usually when the realization strikes home that change is difficult and is probably not going to happen. This accounts for the statistic that most divorces happen in the late 20’s. You’ve heard of the 7 year itch? It’s true. A mental change has to happen for the marriage to survive.

“Life begins at 50” is not just a T-shirt logo! This is most often the time when people finally let go and just accept each other, warts and all! At this age many couples also seem to reach a peak of happiness.

But why waste the first 30 years of the relationship?

Loving someone does not mean changing them. It’s really not loving to try and change someone into what you feel is acceptable to you. That makes it all about you. True love is selfless. Why marry someone you need to change? Are you really picking the right person then?

You wouldn’t buy a car for how much you’d need to fix it, so why choose a lifelong partner this way, one who doesn’t come with a money-back guarantee?

If you recognize yourself in this scenario, let go of the urge to change your partner. Start affirming all the things that you do love about your partner rather than harping on the negative. Everyday make a point of giving at least one affirmation and tick that off on your ‘to-do’ list! This is going to have a far greater positive effect than moaning and groaning. Rather look at changing your own attitudes. You’re the only person you can really change!

If you are in a marriage fixed on changing your partner have a look at the co-dependent checklist for more insights.

Styles of Responding

How do you respond to people?

Let’s look at this situation. Excitedly Mary tells June that she’s starting a new job after having looked for quite a while.

How does June respond?

ACTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONSE

That’s great! What’s the new job? When do you start? How did you get it? Please tell me more!

PASSIVE CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONSE

That’s nice.

ACTIVE DESTRUCTIVE RESPONSE

So who’s going to look after your son? You’re not thinking of using a babysitter are you? I don’t think you can trust them. There’re so many horror stories about babysitters abusing kids.

PASSIVE DESTRUCTIVE RESPONSE

Oh, I must tell you about what happened to me the other day ….

Become aware of how you respond to others! The only response that shows real listening is in the ACTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONSE box. In this response June is picking up Mary’s excitement and responding with a similar emotional response. This is the only type of response that will build the relationship and be mutually satisfying.

Think about your pattern of responding.

Are you a prophet of doom? You sort of listen and actively engage by pointing out all the negative aspects. Active Destructive Response.
When someone speaks, do you wait impatiently, without listening, until you can turn the attention back to yourself? This is actually more common than you might think! – Passive Destructive Response.
Or do you give a ‘wimpish’ response, like ‘that’s nice’ and nothing more? – Passive Constructive Response.

Try to walk in the other person’s shoes, feel their emotions and respond accordingly. It might take practice but worth it for building good relationships.

Do dogs really need life-jackets?

Book Reviews

Mad as Hell!!

Improving your partner!

Styles of Responding

Categories

Latest blog posts

Feeling Good By David Burns

Need help for anxiety?