All our behavior is motivated by a need and the Need for Love is a big one.
Who doesn’t want to be loved? But so often when you come across as desperate for love your attempts fail and it actually has the opposite effect – it drives people away and your love tank remains empty.
Quit Begging for LOVE!
STOP begging for love and admiration if your loved one isn’t willing to give it.
How do you beg for love?
- You beg when you constantly whine and complain, or in some cases, get upset, when your emotional or physical needs aren’t being met.
- You beg when you allow that person to send you into depression because you don’t feel attractive or wanted.
- You beg when you silently cry because you feel they doesn’t love you. (Feelings don’t always represent the truth)
- You beg when you show your signs of hurt and despair each time you see someone else getting the love that should be reserved for you.
Let’s look at some examples
When you see your partner enjoying another person’s company you get upset. The only possible reason to get upset is because you see this as a sign that they don’t really love you. Can you think of another reason?
When your loved one doesn’t hold your hand or shower you with compliments, or send you flowers you get upset. So you sulk and withdraw expecting them to figure out what they did wrong. How unfair! Nobody is able to mind-read.
Nobody is able to fully meet your need for love … so quit all this trying!
Focus on loving yourself for the truly amazing person that you are.
Compliment yourself on the things you do.
Stop waiting for someone to validate you – it might never come and life will pass you by.
Inner love is very appealing to others and is a sure way of getting others to love you. Basically you’re taking the pressure off the other person. You’re allowing them to be the person that they are meant to be without them having to be hyper-vigilante at doing ‘the right thing’ to keep you happy and feeling loved.
All the things you’d like others to do for you focus on trying to do these very same things for others … You might be surprised at what happens. Make a list so this doesn’t just become a theoretical exercise.
‘So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets’. Matthew 7:12
If you are in a dating relationship and experiencing these issues, I strongly suggest you re-evaluate your expectations in the relationship. If you find it difficult to accept your partner for exactly who they are before you marry, I assure you it’s not going to get better after you’re married.
If you’re in a committed marriage, re-evaluate your expectations. When your partner does something that you interpret as a sign that they don’t love you, ask yourself if your interpretation is correct. Your reaction could stem from your great neediness for love.
Two pieces of marriage advice that changed my life.
When I was newly married (36 years ago now) an older friend said to me. “Do not expect your husband to meet all of your needs, just as you won’t be able to meet all of his”. Wow! I thought my role as a wife was to meet all his needs. This insight was truly freeing!
When your partner does something that you interpret as them not loving you, ask yourself: Was my partner intentionally trying to hurt me? Usually the answer is no as we all do or say things that unintentionally hurt others. In this case, let it be, ignore it and move on.
Self love is what you’re aiming for, rather than nagging, complaining and sulking. Self-love is what will ultimately get your need for love met.
This was a tale well known to children all over Africa: Abu Kassem, a miserly Baghdad merchant, has held onto his battered, much repaired pair of slippers even though they were objects of derision. At last, even he couldn’t stomach the sight of hem. But his every attempt to get rid of his slippers ended in disaster: when he tossed them out of his window they landed on the head of a pregnant woman who miscarried, and Abu Kassem was thrown in jail; when he dropped them in the canal, the slippers choked off the main drain, and caused flooding, and off Abu Kassem went to jail…
One night, when Tawfiq finished, another prisoner, a quiet, dignified old man said, “Abu Kassem might as well build a special room for his slippers. Why try to lose them? He’ll never escape.” The old man laughed , and he seemed happy when he said that. That night the old man died in his sleep.
“The following night, we couldn’t wait to talk about Abu Kassem. We all saw it the same way. the old man was right. The slippers in the story mean that everything you see and do and touch, every seed you sow, or don’t sow, becomes part of your destiny …
Later relating this to his children Ghosh sighed. I hope one day you see this as clearly as I did when I was in prison.
The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don’t. If you keep saying your slippers aren’t yours, then you’ll die searching, you’ll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more. Not only our actions, but also our omissions, become our destiny.”
(From “Cutting for Stone,” by Abraham Verghese, Vintage Books)
The key to psychological health is accepting yourself exactly for who you are. We all have good parts as well as parts that we might feel ashamed of. True freedom comes when we accept all these parts that make up who we are. Only then do we stop wasting precious time and energy pretending to be something that we are not.
Hugh Michael Jackman (born 12 October 1968) is an Australian actor and producer who has won much international recognition for his roles in major films, notably as superhero, period, and romance characters. His work in Les Misérables earned him his first Academy Award nomination for Best Actor and his first Golden Globe Award for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy in 2013.
What were you afraid of as a kid?
This was the question posed to Jackson by Luscombe in Time magazine (September 23, 2013.
“I was afraid of heights. I was afraid of the dark. If I was the first one home, I would not go into the house till someone else was home. I remember we were in New Zealand and I must have been 10, but I was nervous to go down this slide.
That’s when I started to realize that fear holds you back. So I went to the school diving board every lunchtime and jumped off the 1 m (3ft) board, and the 5m (16 ft) board to get over it. Now I have no fear, which is probably a bad thing.”
Speaking on trauma Jackman continues …
“When something traumatic happens, that thing which holds you prisoner, that inner fear, comes out. And that fear dictates your behavior … “
Jackman did what any psychologist would recommend.
- Acknowledge your fear
- Make a plan to face your fear
- Stick to your plan no matter how much the anxiety levels soar. The adrenalin rush will peter out.
- And finally, remember that avoidance is the very worst thing you can do to overcome a fear. You might get a sense of relief, but the fear will stay and debilitate you until you face it.
Have a look at these Tips for Overcoming Anxiety