Overcoming Depression

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The Question of “WHAT IF?”

 

WHAT IF? .. What If? … what if?… what if?

The question of ‘what if?’ is typical of a person who suffers from anxiety. Anxiety is always future related and the question ‘what if?’ is usually followed by a negative future prediction. The trouble is that these negative future predictions can seem so real because they usually do contain a grain of truth. The end result is that everybody else around the anxious person gets drawn into believing that this predicted outcome is based in reality and also end up in a heap of anxiety!

When you start predicting the future with ‘What if?‘ ask yourself this question: What evidence do I have that this will be the outcome?

Let’s look at a few examples and see how we can change the way we think in response to ‘what if?:

  • A friend of mine won’t go at night because ‘what if the house is burgled when I’m out?‘. Your house might be burgled, but then again, it also might not. Reassure yourself that you’ve done all you can to secure your house. Then go out and enjoy yourself. What fun is there in life staying housebound and bored just ‘in case’ your house gets burgled.
  • I don’t like flying in a plane because what if it has engine problems? Again do you stay housebound because of this fear. The truth is that far more people get killed in road accidents than in plane accidents. Perhaps go on a desensitization program with one of the airways to overcome this phobia.
  •  I can’t go to that party because what if I don’t know anyone there? Once again, are you going to stay housebound and miss the chance of possibly meeting some exciting people. You don’t have to know anyone at the party to have a good time, do you? You can make the party exciting and make other people feel wanted. 

Whenever I hear the words ‘what if?’ my mind immediately reacts with the words I probably heard way back in the 1970’s. ‘If all the hippies cut of their hair, I don’t care! …  I don’t know where it came from but if you know, please tell me.

Stay grounded in the present, the past is gone and keep the future as a surprise!

WHAT IF??  =   ANXIETY   =  THOUGHTS NEED TO BE RE-EXAMINED!!

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The Question of “WHY?”

 

The Question of “WHY?” Do you feel stressed by people continually asking you ‘WHY?’ . Read on to find out why it causes you stress.

Automatic Behavior

Most of our behavior is automatic. If you are familiar with a particular task, the ‘how to’ is stored in your unconscious. The next time you do a similar task, you do it automatically. Once we’ve read an instruction manual we don’t need to read it over and over again as most of it will be committed to memory. If you had to work out ‘how-to’ afresh each time you did a particular task, the brain would go into overload and would probably shut-down from the extreme stress it would cause. As an example think about when you drive your car. You don’t rethink how you have to put in the clutch to change gear …. Once you know how to reach your destination you don’t have to look at the map again and again and rework out your route, do you? When you sat down this morning did you evaluate or think about whether the chair would hold you? Of course not! Obviously there are times you do have to consider each step of what you are about to do but most times we function on ‘automatic’. And the ‘automatic’ response comes from life’s lessons down the years.

The question why “WHY” can cause stress

If most of what we do comes from this ‘automatic response’ most of the time the appropriate answer to the question WHY would be ‘I really don’t know why, it just seemed like the right way’. Often the person asking ‘WHY?’ won’t be satisfied with that response so the stress increases as you are further interrogated!

When asked “Why did you do …?” in a harsh, irritated, manner the question comes across as a criticism and a put-down for having done whatever you did  in the wrong way. You didn’t do it how you ‘should have’ according to the other person’s expectations and their automatic response patterns. So stress is usually triggered by the way, the manner in which the person poses the question “WHY?”.

A gentler approach aimed at reaching a mutual understanding would be better. Replace  the word ‘WHY’ with an inquiry like ‘I’m trying to understand what you did. Is there a reason why you did it that way?’ . It’s a case of working together. If you don’t want to answer the reason ‘why’, turn the question around and ask the other person why they need to know!

If you want to interrogate someone for not having done things your way, or how you think they ‘should’ have done it, ask yourself the question if the other person was intentionally trying to harm you. The answer will usually be no, so let the issue go and accept that we all respond differently in a given situation. Rather move on and deal with what comes next rather than stagnating and stressing about something that is now in the past.

The word ‘should, must and ought’ are the source of anger. If you would like to know the effects of using these words consciously or unconsciously, please click here.

Photography by Nicola Stewart at http://beblessed-cards.blogspot.com

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The Need for Love

Do you have an urge to get love and then find that the well meaning things you do actually put people off? Let’s see what could be going wrong.

Excessive Compliments

Do you give others excessive compliments and at the same time put yourself down? Saying things like ‘I wish I could be clever like you. I’m just stupid.’ If you’re prone to doing this, you’ll have plenty more examples of your own! Unconsciously you’re hoping that these sorts of compliments will get the other person to love you. It’s more likely going to backfire. Excessive compliments don’t attract people, but actually makes them feel uncomfortable and puts them off. You’re more likely to end up feeling unloved.

Testing Relationships

Do you ever test a relationship to the limit until you’re rejected? All you’ve done is behave in a way that matches your self-image of being unlovable. Our behavior always matches what we believe about ourselves, even if the belief is in the subconscious. Sad but true!

Overwhelming Attention

Or maybe you’ve overwhelmed the person you love with so much attention that it becomes stifling for the other person who then bales out of the relationship. Once again this behavior done in the hope of getting love leads to rejection.

Unavailable people

Have you ever sought out people who are ‘not available’ or who are actually a bit rejecting? The unconscious belief is that there would be something wrong with a person who just accepts you as you are. So you target people who are more likely to reject you in the first place.

The Solution?

  • Self love is actually very attractive and will draw others to you. Learn to love yourself.
  • Getting involved in a wider range of interests can certainly help. If you focus on developing less intense relationships with a wider variety of ‘available’ people you won’t feel so desperate to get ‘love’.
  • There are very many ‘ordinary’ people just like you who want love. Take the focus off yourself and focus on making other people feel loved.

We all want someone to love and someone who will also love us. Love is desirable but not a requirement for happiness. That would put our happiness under the control of someone else. And happiness is, after all, determined by our own thoughts, not by any outside event.

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It creates the failures. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” Anais Nin (1903 – 1977) French-born American writer.

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David Burns ‘Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy’ – Book Review

David D. Burns - The New Mood Therapy
David D. Burns – The New Mood Therapy

If you are serious about overcoming depression The New Mood Therapy by Burns is definitely the book to buy. Reading it could be a new start in life for you, as it was for me.

The book was recommended to me way back in 1996 when I had depression. I never looked back. It actually changed my life! I don’t think any book can get higher praise than that!

Burns follows a Cognitive Therapy approach which is regarded as the best therapy for overcoming depression. The basic premise is that if you change your thinking, your mood will follow suit and change as well.

In ‘The New Mood Therapy’, Burns give many, easy to follow tools for overcoming faulty thinking patterns, which he calls ‘Cognitive Distortions’.

He writes in a very easy to read, humorous style. Normally one would associate dreariness with depression, but not so with this book! He has the ability to make the reader laugh when elaborating on some of the faulty thinking that rule our lives. Even if you’re not depressed it’s easy to identify with his examples. Knowledge gives power!

Now some 17 years later I still remember reading in bed and chuckling to myself about some of his illustrations. One in particular stays with me that made me laugh.

Seagull poops on Man’s Head!

A man was walking along the beach, and suddenly out of the blue, a seagull poops on his head with a perfect aim! The man’s response made me laugh even more.
‘Why is that ALWAYS happening to me?
No surprise he was feeling down in the dumps. I would also be if it happened to me ALL the time, EVERY time I set foot out the door! But the truth is that we often exaggerate with our thinking, which then pulls our mood down. Thinking realistically, a bad event seldom happens ‘ALWAYS’! The word ‘always’ is a warning that your thinking is tending towards overgeneralization – one on the list of cognitive distortions. ‘Sometimes’ is a better word and brings the thought back to reality!

I regard this book so highly, that I have bought extra copies over the years to give to friends who are depressed or anxious.

And the good news is that it is extremely reasonably priced – it costs the fraction of the price of one therapy session. Buying this book changed my life, it could change yours as well!

You can buy David D. Burns – The New Mood Therapy at Amazon.

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Enjoy Your Cuppa Coffee!

For all you Coffee Addicts! Good News or Bad News?

A study in the Archives of Internal Medicine (26 September 2011) reports that women who drink four or more mugs of caffeinated coffee a day have a 20% less risk of getting depression. Caffeine releases ‘dopamine’, the brain’s ‘happy hormone’.

This doesn’t mean that you should start using coffee as a kind of medication to overcome depression! What it does mean is that you really don’t need to get on a guilt trip for drinking coffee. Coffee does have quite a lot of bad press, but maybe if you’re overcoming depression, don’t add this to one of your ‘have-to-give-up’ lists. It can wait!

Years ago a friend of mine suffered from panic attacks every single morning while she was making school sandwiches for the kids. What an awful way to start the day! ‘Amy, do start your day with a nice strong cup of coffee?’ I asked. ‘Of course’, she replied. Bingo! I remembered reading a while back how coffee, drunk first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach can trigger panic attacks. Once she stopped this early morning adrenalin fix, the panic attacks stopped. What a simple solution!

Caffeine does have a short-term mood lift, and it also gives energy. That’s why it’s so often used as a stimulant when one has to stay awake.How many of us haven’t used coffee to stay up late at night to study! On the other hand, if you want a good night’s sleep, don’t think about drinking anything containing caffeine just before going to bed. Caffeine can cause sleep disturbances. If I have too many cups of coffee, after enjoying myself at a dinner party, I usually wake up at about 3 am feeling ‘tingly’ all over!

Coffee can cause a raised heart rate because of the caffeine, but the good news is that you won’t die from drinking coffee! There have been no reported cases of death from overdosing on coffee – you’d actually need to very quickly drink over 80 cups of coffee to do that.

Everything in moderation is probably sound advice!

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