Tag Archives: depression

Disappearance by Irene Emanuel

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IRENE_Emanuel

Irene Emanuel

DISAPPEARANCE

Unbearable heaviness;
Inexplicable sadness;
A burden of non-explanation
that’s ripping my façade to shreds.
Weakness encircles my upper body;
A loss of strength
that reduces me
to tearful hopelessness;
A cowering scrap of indecision
that is beyond caring.
In lucid leaps of cognizance,
I am aware of sliding into despair.
I communicate my terror to GOD –
I discuss my emptiness;
the barren strangeness of sound
reverberating through the hallways
of my mind.
Sorrow slouches arrogantly,
spitting out slivers of sharp scorn
at my despondency;
at my un-voiced fears and inadequacies.
I live in devastated ignorance
of my dissemblance.
Would GOD understand my lapse
into nothingness?

BY: IRENE EMANUEL   24-01-2003

Thank you again Irene for sharing this poem.To read “The Darkness” by Irene Emanuel as well as more information about the poet, please  click here


Accepting Help

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Isn’t it true that many of us like to help other people, but are not so good at accepting help from others? We all have a need to be needed and when we help others we get this need met. This feels good.

But in order to give help we need someone who will accept our offer of help. Now this can be a problem because we have been taught to be independent and self-sufficient. Have you ever offered help to someone and your help has been rejected, even thought it’s clear that the person needs help? Your offer of help is rejected just so the other person can stay feeling self-sufficient and even feel proud of their independence.

Actually as humans we are meant to be interdependent, helping each other and receiving help from others. This is what makes for healthy relationships. When you reject someone’s offer of help you are stopping their ‘need to be needed’ from being met! You’re being quite selfish! So maybe think of an offer of help in another way. Somebody offers you help, think of the other person rather than yourself. By accepting the offer of help you’re giving the other person an opportunity to have their ‘need to be needed’ met. By accepting help you’re giving the other person a chance to feel good about themselves and build up their self-esteem.

Many years ago I read the book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck,  a book I can highly recommend. I’d like to share an example of this principle from his book.

One Sunday as Dr Scott Peck left church it started raining. A patient of his who attended the same church, came up to him and offered him her umbrella. Dr Scott Peck’s reply was ‘no thank you, I’ll just run quickly!’ When he climbed into his car he realized what he had done and was furious with himself. By refusing her help, he had denied this young woman the opportunity to feel needed.

M. Scott Peck’s book, ‘The Road Less Travelled’ is available through Amazon. If you’re interested, just click on the book icon in the sidebar which will link you to Amazon.


Survivor Guilt

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Survivor Guilt is defined as a deep feeling of guilt which is often experienced by those who have survived a disaster that took the lives of many others. It stems in part from a feeling that they didn’t do enough to save the lives of those who died as well as feeling less worthy than those who did die.

Survivor guilt also occurs in situations like a car accident where a person who survives experiences survivor guilt when all the others are killed. Survivor guilt can also be experienced a person who escapes death in a fatal car accident because they changed their minds at the last minute about joining the trip. The question that lingers is why did they survive when the others died.

Survivor Guilt is often the result of distorted thinking. You have to ask yourself what you are really guilty of. Usually the guilt is not based in reality. Although it is terrible losing loved ones, just by living in this world these sorts of things do tragically happen. Holding onto that guilt will debilitate one for a long time. Try to change your thinking to having a sense of gratitude for your life. This type of experience can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome so it is sensible to get help if you’re battling to recover..

Battle of Isandlwana

This past weekend I had the pleasure of going on a day tour to the site of the Anglo/Zulu battlefields in KwaZuluNatal, South Africa. The highlight was seeing the battleground at Isandlwana. The battle between the British and the Zulus that took place here in 1879 was the one where the British suffered their most devastating defeat of the colonial era. The tour really brought this famous battle to life and it was a reminder of the terrible loss of life that occurred.

It is recorded that only 55 British soldiers managed to escape with their lives and probably only managed to outrun the Zulu warriors because they were on horseback. However, a bit further down the line and across the Buffalo river which was the border between Natal and Zululand, it is recorded that about 400 men had been seen crossing the river and escaping. The question that arises is that if the official record showed 55 survivors what happened  to the other 345 who had also been seen escaping?

The answer to this is that they were suffering from survivor guilt. British soldiers who were massacred numbered 1,300. These other 345 survivors literally disappeared into the community. Many were not seen for many years, preferring to be presumed dead rather than face the shame and disgrace of having run away from the scene of the battle and being alive when so many others had died. Our guide Don, said that there was one survivor who only surfaced in his 70′s deciding that he could no longer live ‘a lie’.

I have not doubt that as with the soldiers at Isandlwana, many of our modern day soldiers also suffer from survivor guilt having seen their worthy comrades fall in battle.

Should you be visiting KwaZulu/Natal and would like to do some day tours I can highly recommend the professional services of Don Botterill at Day Tours

Related posts:
Surviving trauma
Trauma – 12 Strategies for Coping


Goals and Desires

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Many years ago I knew a lady, who struggled enormously with depression and took a lot of medication. On top of that she started her day with a few alcoholic drinks to get her going! Oh, and her marriage was in a mess as well. To be honest I didn’t think her depression would ever lift given the circumstances.

I lost contact with her and then quite a few years later, we crossed paths again. She was so excited. “My depression is gone and I haven’t taken medication for a few years now”. I wondered if she’d got divorced, and that’s why she felt so much better. As if reading my thoughts she continued ‘Oh, and my marriage has also come right and I’m now happily married!’

This all seemed too good to be true so all I could do was ask her how this incredible transformation had come about. These were her words: ‘I decided to stop trying to change my husband and to rather accept him exactly as he is.’  I was truly amazed. She had changed her goal into a desire and that is what had made all the difference!

Goals versus Desires

This lady had made it her life goal to change her husband. This type of goal is doomed to failure as we can’t change another person. It really is outside our control. A goal like this needs to be changed into a desire. The thinking needs to change to something like ‘It would be great if …. happened, but actually it’s outside of my control. A person only changes if they want to do it themselves. It’s not my responsibility. My responsibility is to love and accept that person as they are!’

For this lady, this type of mental change, improved her marriage and helped her overcome depression as well. As she gave up control, her husband felt more accepted and loved, and in turn he became more loving and less critical. Her decision had a positive spiral effect!

Ask yourself if you have goals that are outside of your control. If you do, change these to desires and let go of the urge to control and then see what happens!


Procrastination and Depression

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A common problem for anyone suffering from depression is ‘doing nothing’.  Unfortunately this type of thinking is never going to get you better.

Thoughts Ask yourself “When I think of those tasks that I haven’t done, what thoughts come immediately to mind?”  Maybe it’s thoughts like “I’m not in the mood.  I’m going to fail anyway. I don’t have the energy. I’m useless. I don’t feel like doing anything so I don’t have to. I’ll just stay in bed, sleep and forget, it’s easier”. Do any of these sound familiar?

Emotions Our thoughts direct our emotions. How do these thoughts make you feel? Probably bored, tired, discouraged, overwhelmed and useless.

Behavior And then with these sorts of thoughts and emotions, it’s not surprising that ‘doing-nothing’ behavior, or procrastination, is the result!  ’Doing nothing’ convinces you that you are inadequate. And you sink further into the pit of doing nothing!

How to change the cycle

Change your behavior and prove your thoughts to be wrong! Ask yourself some pertinent questions.

  • Fear of failure?  ’It’s safer doing nothing than risk failing’! This is a common underlying fear of a perfectionist. Learn to enjoy the process and don’t stay fixed on outcomes.
  • Fear of Criticism? Doing something runs the risk of being criticized. True, but so what? Enjoy the process and stop placing other peoples criticisms in such high regard.

Just do something, however small, as any meaningful activity will give you a decent chance of improving your mood. Do it, despite not feeling like doing it. Don’t always trust your feelings. When you’re depressed you might feel like staying in bed the whole day, but it really is the worst thing for you to do!

If you want to learn more about the effects of thoughts on your behavior click here.

I highly recommend the book By David Burns called Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, illustrated in the right sidebar. It is the book that helped me enormously in my journey of overcoming depression. Click on the book image and it will take you to the Amazon site, where all of David Burns’ books are available. I have several of his books and can really recommend them all.


David Burns ‘Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy’ – Book Review

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David D. Burns - The New Mood Therapy

David D. Burns – The New Mood Therapy

If you are serious about overcoming depression The New Mood Therapy by Burns is definitely the book to buy. Reading it could be a new start in life for you, as it was for me.

The book was recommended to me way back in 1996 when I had depression. I never looked back. It actually changed my life! I don’t think any book can get higher praise than that!

Burns follows a Cognitive Therapy approach which is regarded as the best therapy for overcoming depression. The basic premise is that if you change your thinking, your mood will follow suit and change as well.

In ‘The New Mood Therapy’, Burns give many, easy to follow tools for overcoming faulty thinking patterns, which he calls ‘Cognitive Distortions’.

He writes in a very easy to read, humorous style. Normally one would associate dreariness with depression, but not so with this book! He has the ability to make the reader laugh when elaborating on some of the faulty thinking that rule our lives. Even if you’re not depressed it’s easy to identify with his examples. Knowledge gives power!

Now some 17 years later I still remember reading in bed and chuckling to myself about some of his illustrations. One in particular stays with me that made me laugh.

Seagull poops on Man’s Head!

A man was walking along the beach, and suddenly out of the blue, a seagull poops on his head with a perfect aim! The man’s response made me laugh even more.
‘Why is that ALWAYS happening to me?
No surprise he was feeling down in the dumps. I would also be if it happened to me ALL the time, EVERY time I set foot out the door! But the truth is that we often exaggerate with our thinking, which then pulls our mood down. Thinking realistically, a bad event seldom happens ‘ALWAYS’! The word ‘always’ is a warning that your thinking is tending towards overgeneralization - one on the list of cognitive distortions. ‘Sometimes’ is a better word and brings the thought back to reality!

I regard this book so highly, that I have bought extra copies over the years to give to friends who are depressed or anxious.

And the good news is that it is extremely reasonably priced – it costs the fraction of the price of one therapy session. Buying this book changed my life, it could change yours as well!

You can buy David D. Burns – The New Mood Therapy at Amazon.


Enjoy Your Cuppa Coffee!

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For all you Coffee Addicts! Good News or Bad News?

A study in the Archives of Internal Medicine (26 September 2011) reports that women who drink four or more mugs of caffeinated coffee a day have a 20% less risk of getting depression. Caffeine releases ‘dopamine’, the brain’s ‘happy hormone’.

This doesn’t mean that you should start using coffee as a kind of medication to overcome depression! What it does mean is that you really don’t need to get on a guilt trip for drinking coffee. Coffee does have quite a lot of bad press, but maybe if you’re overcoming depression, don’t add this to one of your ‘have-to-give-up’ lists. It can wait!

Years ago a friend of mine suffered from panic attacks every single morning while she was making school sandwiches for the kids. What an awful way to start the day! ‘Amy, do start your day with a nice strong cup of coffee?’ I asked. ‘Of course’, she replied. Bingo! I remembered reading a while back how coffee, drunk first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach can trigger panic attacks. Once she stopped this early morning adrenalin fix, the panic attacks stopped. What a simple solution!

Caffeine does have a short-term mood lift, and it also gives energy. That’s why it’s so often used as a stimulant when one has to stay awake.How many of us haven’t used coffee to stay up late at night to study! On the other hand, if you want a good night’s sleep, don’t think about drinking anything containing caffeine just before going to bed. Caffeine can cause sleep disturbances. If I have too many cups of coffee, after enjoying myself at a dinner party, I usually wake up at about 3 am feeling ‘tingly’ all over!

Coffee can cause a raised heart rate because of the caffeine, but the good news is that you won’t die from drinking coffee! There have been no reported cases of death from overdosing on coffee – you’d actually need to very quickly drink over 80 cups of coffee to do that.

Everything in moderation is probably sound advice!