Take your thoughts captive …

Posted on May 30, 2013 by karin

‘For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they (our weapons) have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.’2 Corinthians 10:3

What is a stronghold?

A stronghold is any thought or behavior that controls us and no matter how hard we try we just feel helpless and unable to get the upper hand. It is a battle.

We know what God thinks about us, that He loves us with a never-ending love, that Jesus died to save us, so how can we hold onto thoughts that tell us that we’re unlovable and worthless?

But because these negative thoughts about ourselves are in our minds, we presume them to be the truth. Seldom do we wonder what God thinks about what we believe about ourselves. Maybe we should!

The weapon that we’ve been given to demolish these strongholds, these thoughts and behaviors that unmercifully take us captive, is the Holy Spirit. That is the ‘divine’ weapon that we’ve been given. Ask the Holy Spirit about your thoughts, because the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth. It is sin to hold your thoughts in higher regard to the thoughts of God.

I know this from my own depression about 18 years ago. These terrible thoughts were going through my mind and I just wanted to curl up and die. The Holy Spirit then brought to my awareness that my thoughts certainly did not line up with what God thought about me. All I could do was say sorry to God and reject those thoughts. With that I was ‘miraculously’ better and jumped out of bed with a new spring in my step. Oh, the terrible control that our thoughts can have on us!

Without realizing it I was obedient to this Bible verse. I ‘demolished’ the false belief. The verse further says that ‘we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.’

Take every thought captive

Max Lucado in his book ‘Just like Jesus’ says:

‘When a negative thought comes into your head, handcuff the thought and march it down to the Courthouse and present the thought at the judgment seat of Christ. Now imagine saying to Jesus “this thought tells me that I am worthless and unlovable, what do you think?” Jesus will tell you to give that thought marching orders, it does not line up with what Scripture says and it is a lie that comes from the enemy camp’.

Give ‘this method’ a try. I’d also love to hear about your experience.

Til next time, have a blessed week!

Selfless love for a happy relationship

Posted on May 19, 2013 by karin

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” Anthony Robbins

I can’t live without you!!

Aren’t these so often the words of young people newly in love. Take a moment to listen to those words – it’s all about ME.

“I want You to make me feel fulfilled, to make me feel worthwhile about myself”!

Stop putting yourself first and rather see how you can better love your partner if you want your relationship to last. This is called selfless love.

A relationship is like a bank account.

Have you ever been in overdraft on your bank account? You can’t keep on withdrawing without making any deposits. You have to keep your bank account in the black if you want to avoid huge bank charges. Same with a relationship, make sure the emotional “bank account” is always in the black. That way you can make some “withdrawals” as you do when you’re self-centered and selfish. But make sure to put in a “whole lotta love” to keep the account healthy. You want to avoid those hefty bank overdraft charges!

Slave Mentality – from ‘Kathie’ by Dora Taylor

Posted on April 10, 2013 by karin

I’ve just finished reading “Kathie”, by Dora Taylor. It’s a fascinating story of life in the 1950′s for the ‘colored’ people of South Africa. Taylor explores slave mentality and the dilemmas of racial identity in a country where superiority or inferiority lay in the degree of skin pigmentation. I found this book enthralling and definitely very worthwhile reading for anyone interested in knowing more about what life was like under apartheid.

Clicking on the book image will take you to Amazon.

Slave Mentality

In the book “Kathie”, the author makes reference to ‘slave mentality‘. Nowadays many people are slaves on a psychological level. Think about it. What are you a slave to? What’s holding you back from a life unfettered by chains and enjoying a life of freedom?

Who is your master? Could it be alcohol, drug or sex addictions? What about the way you think? Low self-esteem, fear of what others might think, a victim mentality, depressed thinking? Any of these can keep a person in chains, preventing a life of freedom. Let’s not forget attitudes like resentment and a lack of forgiveness – these can also hold one in chains.

As you read this excellent extract from the book “Kathie” think about the things that keep you in chains.

‘Beware of slave mentality,’ said Ndwana. ‘It is a cunning sickness. We may have it without knowing we have it.’

‘How may we diagnose it?’

‘That is a good question,’ answered Ndwana. ‘He who has the mind of a slave accepts the existing order of things as unchanging and unchangeable, because his master has told him it is so. He does not question it; still less does he try to change it. When he is kicked he cringes; he fawns on the hand that smites him. He begs for crumbs for himself, but not his brother; he slinks into a corner to lick his own wounds, but does not see the wounds of his brother; bullied by his master, he bullies those who are even more unfortunate than himself. Robbed of will and reason, he becomes stupid and hardened of feelings for others. He loses the very power to think of himself as a man.’

‘It is a grim picture,’

…..’Stupid lies masquerade as the truth. And you yourselves believe them….’ (Taylor 2008:333)

We act on whatever we believe to be the truth, even stupid lies that seem like the truth. The only way to break free is to see the lies for what they are and expose these lies to the light of truth.

John 8:32 “…Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

“Kathie” by Dora Taylor is available from Amazon.

Stop child depression developing

Posted on March 16, 2013 by karin

Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

“You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
“Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
“You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
“Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.

Shirley, Goodness and Mercy

Posted on December 28, 2012 by karin

“Shirley, Goodness and Mercy” by Chris van Wyk is the fascinating childhood memoir of life in a Coloured township during the apartheid days in South Africa. It is well written and humorous. I can definitely recommend it particularly to all South Africans.

“One afternoon Greg comes home from school crying….

‘What’s the matter? asks his sister Kathy.
‘Arlene hit me.’
Arlene is Kathy’s age and they attend the same school. But that counts for nothing, it seems, when family honour is at stake. Kathy dons her fighting garb of shorts and T-shirt and prepares to stick up for her younger brother. She grabs Greg’s hand and storms off up the road to where Arlene stays. Kathy walks right in and delivers a couple of slaps to Arlene’s face and warns her to ‘Leave my brother alone!’

That evening Arlene’s dad comes to complain at the Van Wyks.
‘Is this true, Kathy?’ her father asks her.

That evening Kathy’s dad makes his daughter and son move a few dozen bricks from one place in the yard to another. This is punishment for slapping Arlene.

Greg sniffles and complains about what he sees as an injustice but Kathy says, ‘Don’t worry, they don’t realize that carrying bricks around just makes us stronger.’

Moral of the story : It’s all about perceptions, whether we see the glass as half-full or half-empty.

Do you identify with Greg sniffling and complaining how life is so unfair? Or can you see the situation from another perspective like Kathy? Carrying bricks, or facing up to difficulties can in the end make you stronger. All depends on attitude.

Planning for Success!

Posted on December 3, 2012 by karin

In this time of economic down-turn it’s even more important to plan to succeed. We all want success whether it be clinching a job interview, impressing a first date or just plain making a connection with people. These situations can be quite stressful, but for some it can feel like an insurmountable hurdle. Let me share some tips I’ve found extremely helpful.

Step 1. Get your mind right!

If you believe you’re going to fail, you probably will because our behavior matches what we believe. You’ll set yourself up for failure.

Talk back to that inner voice that says you’ll fail. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend. Become your best friend.
Start behaving like a successful person and see the change in how people react to you.

Step 2. Practice “SOLER”

The word “SOLER” is an acronym for how to successfully engage with people. I learnt it as a student social worker and have found it enormously helpful. These techniques make other people feel relaxed and comfortable.

Use the SOLER principles when relating to people no matter what the circumstances. You will impress them with your relaxed manner.

S - stands for SQUARE. Sit facing a person ‘square-on’ or just slightly off ‘square’. This shows the other person that you are giving them your full attention.

O – stands for OPEN. Body language can reveal a lot! Crossing your legs away from the other person or folding your arms puts up a barrier. Sit with your legs uncrossed, fold your hands on your lap or rest them on the arm rests, in an open posture.

L – stands for LEANING into the conversation. Slouching back in the chair gives a message of not wanting to engage. Look at couples in any restaurant. Young lovers lean into the conversation, gazing into each other’s eyes, entranced by every word that comes through their lover’s lips! Notice those who ‘lean out’ of the conversation. Oh, the joys of being in love!!

E – stands for EYE CONTACT. Looking someone in the eye gives a message of honesty and wanting to connect. Have you ever greeted someone who gives you a fleeting greeting while looking in the other direction! It gives a message of disinterest whereas it’s probably more often a symptom of anxiety. Smile and look the person in the eye when you greet them. Focus on making them feel important and relaxed! Look at the person speaking to you. It can be quite irritating speaking to a person whose gaze is elsewhere as they convey a message of disinterest.

R – stand for RELAX. Become aware of nervous habits like shaking your legs, fiddling with your hair, or scratching your head while speaking. These habits can be quite distracting. I tend to use a lot of hand language. I realize this is a distraction when I notice people looking at my hands rather than at me! If you’re not aware of any habit that distracts others, ask a friend who will be honest with you.

Meeting someone for the first time.

Some people stress about what to say when they first meet a person. Just remember that ‘first conversations” have the sole purpose of letting the other person know you’re interested in connecting. It’s not a time for showing off your great intelligence with profound insights. It’s really a time for making small talk about things like the weather. The intelligent stuff can come later!

Change what you believe about yourself, and start acting confident. Good luck and have a good SOLER week!!

The Power of Words – Sir John Gurdon – Nobel Prize winner

Posted on October 23, 2012 by karin

In the beginning God spoke the Universe into being. “And God said, ‘Let there be light, and there was light…’” (Genesis 1).

Words are powerful – once spoken they’re out in the open and there’s no way you can make them disappear. Some people can be really nasty and mean but if you believe that the nasty words spoken to you are true, you will make them come true. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. However you can also choose to reject those words as untrue and not let them take away your dreams.

2012 Nobel Prize in Medicine

This prestigious award was recently given to Britain’s Sir John Gurdon and the Japanese Scientist Dr Shinya Yamanaka for their groundbreaking work in stem-cell research.

What really fascinated me was Gurdon’s story of his school experience. Gurdon proved that teachers don’t always know the truth!

Gurdon’s schoolboy ambition was to become a scientist.

“Quite ridiculous” said his Eton schoolmaster. “I believe Gurdon has ideas about becoming a scientist; on his present showing this is quite ridiculous; if he can’t learn simple biological facts, he would have no chance of doing the work of a specialist, and it would be a sheer waste of time, both on his part and of those who would have to teach him.”

There is power in the spoken word and that year, Gurdon scored the lowest mark for biology in his year at Eton. “Out of 250 people, to come bottom of the bottom form is quite something, and in a way the most remarkable achievement I could have been said to make,” said Gurdon.

Gurdon framed the old school report which is now a browning scrap of paper as a reminder. It keeps him humble when an experiment doesn’t work out!

What can we learn from this?

What God speaks will come into being but … teachers and parents? No, not necessarily. Children often think adults are God-like and what they speak is the truth, but they’re not. They make mistakes and get things wrong.

Can you think of some nasty or destructive things that were said to you as a child that still impact on your life? Time to throw them out and live the life that you are meant to live.

Read more on the work of Gurdon and Yamanaka at http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/oct/08/nobel-prize-briton-science-teacher

“The Offensive Pharmacist”

Posted on October 18, 2012 by karin

My friend’s daughter-in-law, Anne, was going to the pharmacy.

“Have you got some drawing ointment for a boil?” she asked.

The pharmacist, who cares deeply for the well-being of her customers replied, “Yes, but why don’t you get it from the supermarket. It’s the same stuff at a lower price.”

At this point, Anne started fuming, she turned around and left the pharmacy without getting her cream. But she did leave the pharmacist slightly bemused.

So what happened?

Didn’t Anne realize that the pharmacist was just trying to help?

Well, she possibly does, but that isn’t what she was thinking at the time. You see, Anne, like everyone on this earth, sees the world through their own experience.

For Anne, who had spent a large part of her childhood in poverty, being pointed toward a good deal was offensive, as if the pharmacist were saying, “Oh, you poor little girl, you don’t have any money, here’s a free handout.”

What can we learn from Anne?

If Anne had the skills she could have:

recognized the negative reaction and asked herself why she was reacting so badly,
evaluated what the words meant to her
“re-listen” to the exact words used by the pharmacist (rather than her distorted interpretation) and then see that the assistant was only trying to be helpful.
examine the thought – just because a thought pops into your head doesn’t mean it’s correct,
Result? A greater peace …. move on!

Overcoming Depression Course. If you would like to learn more about how to recognize these trigger buttons and learn to change your reaction to a happier, more realistic reaction, please register for the Free Overcoming Depression course in the pop-up or in the sidebar newsletter sign-up.

Have a great week!

Locus of Control

Posted on August 16, 2012 by karin

Who controls your behavior?

Do you believe your behavior is under your control or is it controlled by external factors, factors outside of your control?

If you believe your moods and behavior are determined by yourself and are under your own control then you have an ‘internal locus of control’.

If you believe that your life is determined by external factors outside of your control then you have an ‘external locus of control’.

External locus of control
Do you live your life to please others? If so, then you are giving others control over your life. Do you battle to say ‘no’?
Do you find yourself falling into a ‘victim’ mentality, blaming others for your circumstance?
Do you frequently use the words ‘if only …’?

‘If only my parents didn’t get divorced, my life would have been better.
If only my partner were nicer to me, my life would be okay….. ‘

Do you minimize your achievements?

if you get a promotion at work, how do you explain it. Do you give yourself credit for your hard work (internal locus of control) or do you explain your promotion as ‘good luck’? Or maybe you explain away your promotion by saying that the boss had no choice, considering the length of time you’ve been with the company (external locus of control). Minimizing one’s achievements is a common trait among people with an external locus of control.

Internal locus of control.
People with an internal locus of control tend to be less influenced by others. They are also generally more motivated to achieve. An internal locus of control leads to a greater sense of autonomy and greater happiness.
________________________________________________________________________
I hope you enjoy this poem called ‘Do it anyway’. Do what is right (internal locus of control) rather than be controlled by what other people might do to you (external locus of control).
________________________________________________________________________

DO IT ANYWAY (Author and Source unknown)

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for the underdog anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help, but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you’ve got and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
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Overcoming depression course.
If you feel that you fit into the ‘external locus of control’ category, please register for my free overcoming depression course. This course will help you to change the way you think, giving you greater internal locus of control. The course is NOT only for people with depression but can benefit everyone. Please register in the side-bar newsletter sign-up or in the ‘pop-up’.

How the word ‘SHOULD’ triggers anger!

Posted on July 22, 2012 by karin

Have you ever given thought to how particular words can trigger a mood or a reaction. The word ‘should’ is one of these words and usually triggers feelings of anger, guilt and resentment.

Watch out for the word ‘should’!
When I am counselling couples with marital problems, I watch out for how often the word ‘should’ comes up in the conversation. In a relationship full of anger, it comes up frequently! When the effects of the ‘should’ word are understood and banned from the conversation there is often a turnabout in the relationship. Worth looking into!!

He should know what I want by now! After all we’ve been married for over 10 years.
You should have just told the boss you weren’t happy about what happened.

The problem with the should word is the implication that a different reality would have been better. But actually that reality doesn’t exist. Yes, it might be better to have done a particular thing differently, but you only know this with hindsight. We know that hindsight is best sight. Surely we all do thing the way we think is best at the time?

Perfectionism
‘Should’ is the problem word of the perfectionist, unable to accept an imperfect situation, wanting a different reality. Actually wanting one that doesn’t exist.
‘Should’ is the problem word of the person who wants to be in control. I’m sure you know the feeling when you share a problem with a friend and are told what you should have done. How does this make you feel? The common feeling is one of anger and resentment because the implication is that they know better how to live your life. Live your life according to their instructions and all will be well. Grrh!! And all you really wanted was a listening ear!

Telling people what they ‘should’ do can also make them dig in their heels. They’re really reacting to your insinuation that they don’t know how to lead their lives.

Telling yourself what you ‘should’ have done often leads to a feeling of guilt. Guilt for not having done things perfectly, criticizing yourself from the advantage of hindsight.

My ‘Should’ Student
A few years back I was lecturing and a student came to me very upset. Her gran had died and she wasn’t with her at the time. The student felt guilty. Whenever I hear anger, guilt or resentment, I look out for the word ‘should’ because it’s usually lurking there somewhere. I was right!

“I should have been with my gran when she died,” said Patricia. – The truth is that Patricia wasn’t there because how could she foresee that gran was going to die that night. It would be better and less emotionally charged to accept the facts. ”I wish I had been with my gran when she died” is far more accepting of reality.
“My friends shouldn’t have invited me to the movies. If they hadn’t I would have been with my gran”, was her next comment. That thought led to anger towards her friends. Think of a less emotive statement for this one, rather than a blaming one.

Should directed to others results in resentment and anger.
Should directed to yourself leads to guilt. Constantly telling yourself what you should do is a bit like whipping yourself to get yourself moving.

Solution!
Replace the word ‘should’, with the phrase ‘it would have been nice if … ‘ The word ‘nice’ might sound corny but it really works. Using my example above saying ‘it would have nice if I had been with my gran when she died’ is certainly far less guilt provoking than ‘I should have…. ‘

For myself, as soon as I feel a sense of anger rising up in me, I look out for that ‘should’ word. If someone is telling me what I ‘should’ be doing and I start feeling angry, I immediately reword what they have said in my mind. I treat it as a suggestion rather than an instruction. I am then able to thank them for the ‘suggestion’ and tell them that I’ll give it some thought. I am then in control of deciding what I want to do rather than feeling controlled by the other person.

Watch out for the ‘should’ word, let it go and accept yourself and others for exactly who you are. See what a difference it makes.

Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression

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