Tag Archives: approval

Self-defeating Attitudes and Fears

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Are you your own worst enemy?

What we think or believe affects the way we live our lives. See if any of these common self-defeating attitudes and fears apply to you. Try to work out how these attitudes just make your life a misery. Do any of these give you a light-bulb experience “that’s me!!” . If so, take note of the thought, check it out with others and really examine why this attitude might just cause you misery in the long run, why it might not be worth holding onto.

Self- defeating Attitudes and Fears

  •  It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself.
  • If a person criticizes me, it means there’s something wrong with me.
  • I must always please people and live up to everyone’s expectations.
  • I am basically defective and inferior to others.
  • Other people are to blame for my problems.
  • The world should always be the way I want it to be.
  • Other people should always meet my expectations.
  • If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It’s not really safe to feel happy and optimistic.I’m hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve.
  • I must always try to be perfect.That’s the only way to be happy.

Actually Perfectionism can make a person very unhappy!

perfectionism

Can you recognize yourself in this list?

Moralistic perfectionism: I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard.

Performance perfectionism: To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do.

Identity perfectionism: People will never accept me as an imperfect vulnerable human being.

Emotional perfectionism:  I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed.I must always try to be happy.

Romantic perfectionism: I must find a perfect partner and always feel infatuated with him or her.

Relationship perfectionism: People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other.

Appearance perfectionism: I look ugly because I’m slightly overweight (or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish).

Recognize yourself in any of these? I know I do!

Ask yourself

  • does it benefit me to hold onto this particular belief?
  • Is this belief really true and helpful?
  • What steps can I take that will allow me to rid myself of self-defeating attitudes and unrealistic and replace them with others that are more objective and more uplifting?


Stop child depression developing

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stop child deprssion

Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their  child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

  • if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

  • “You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
  • “Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
  • “You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
  • “Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.


Stop pretending – J.K.Rowling

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Recently, while helping out at an Old Age Home, I asked a group of the residents if there was one piece of advice about living that they would give to a younger person.

“What do you mean?” the one lady asked.
“Well when I was young” I replied, “I was so worried about what people would think about me, so I always tried to do the ‘right’ thing, do what people expected of me”.
“Oh, yes! We know all about that”  they replied.
“To heck with what other people think, you’ve got to be true to yourself.” answered one the ladies quite vehemently. “Live your life and enjoy your life. Relax and stop worrying about how other people think you should live your life.”

It was the vehemence of the reply that gave me quite a surprise!

I found the following quote from “The Casual Vacancy” by J.K. Rowling in the Time Magazine, October 8, 2012. It gives a similar message.

“The mistake 99% of humanity made, as far as Fats could see, was being ashamed of what they were; lying about it, trying to be somebody else. Honesty was Fats’ currency, his weapon and defense. It frightened people when you were honest it shocked them. Other people, Fats had discovered, were mired in embarrassment and pretense, terrified that their truths might leak out, but Fats was attracted by rawness, by everything that was ugly but honest, by the dirty things about which the likes of his father felt  humiliated and disgusted.” 

The sooner we come to terms with who we are and start ‘liking’ the unique person that we are, the sooner we’ll live life to the full. Self-love and self-acceptance (not selfishness) are very attractive attributes. I really don’t enjoy the company of people who try to pretend they’re perfect, somebody they’re not. One just senses straight away that there’s something fake going on.

And come to think of it, who sets the standard of what is perfect?
Certainly not any other human being! The only way to be perfect is to be true to yourself. Some might not like it, but that’s their loss. Be yourself and stop pretending!

And by the way, the Casual Vacancy by R.K.Rowling was well reviewed in the Time Magazine article. Click here to see the book on Amazon.

Related posts:
Stop Pretending – Joaquin Phoenix
Seeking Approval
Locus of Control
Living a life according to others expectations

 


My Way is the Right Way!

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What do you think of ….

Men who have a Mohawk and even, wear make-up?
What thoughts are triggered?
Cool? Disgusting? Men shouldn’t wear make-up? Stupid? Or even, fantastic, but rather a high maintenance style to keep up.

For older readers, how would you feel about your daughter dating a man with this type of fashion style?

OR 

What do you think about women with tattoos or piercings?

Age will undoubtedly affect your opinion.  If you’re part of the older generation you might believe that tattoos are only for sailors – definitely not for women, or ‘cultured’ people.

OR

What about someone who wears funny shoes like these in public?

Are you sure your opinion, judgement or stereotypical thoughts are absolutely right??

‘One of the major blocks to creativity is the feeling of knowing you are right. When we think we are absolutely right we stop seeking new information. To be right is to be certain, and to be certain stops us from being curious. Curiosity and wonder are at the heart of all learning’ (Bradshaw 1988:8).

Many people believe they’re absolutely right in their opinions about how others should live their lives as well. And if a person thinks they are absolutely right they are not going to show much tolerance towards anyone who goes against the norm.

How this sense of shame at being truly individual develops.

Part of being human is to be able to identify with other humans, usually our parents. This gives us a sense of security and protection. However if a child constantly gets the message that there is something wrong with their uniqueness they will develop a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being.

A lack of self-trust develops and the child learns to guard their thoughts and feelings so others don’t see that they are worthless. The role models opinions then get internalized as being correct, as the child mirrors their behavior and opinions. Not to do so, in the child’s mind, would risk possible abandonment, which is not an option for a child.

Parents who are shut down emotionally, having had their own emotions shamed, cannot mirror and affirm their child’s emotions. It is hugely beneficial for good psychological development for a child to have parents or caregivers mirror their emotions. This really involves giving a name to how the child feels and showing acceptance of those feelings as being valid. This leads to self-acceptance and acceptance of others even if they are different.

For example, when a child is angry, it is better for the parent to mirror the emotion by saying something like, ‘I can see that you’re really angry at what happened, please tell me more of what is going on’. Of course a parent who is emotionally shut down would probably just shout at the child for being angry and behaving badly, being unable to mirror the child’s emotions.

Unfortunately parents so often tell their children that it’s ‘bad’ to feel particular feelings, (eg. anger), telling them that they ‘don’t really feel that way’. Shaming a child’s emotions results in the child being unable to trust their emotions and leads to shame.

Psychological Health

A good definition of psychological health is when you are able to accept yourself and others exactly as you are, with your strengths and weakness.

Now that’s a tall order for many of us!
If you want to be psychologically healthy bear this definition in mind. When you are faced with a behavior that you cannot accept ask yourself:

  • ‘Why is it difficult for me to accept the ‘different-ness’ of the other person?’
  • ‘Does it reflect something about me that stirs up shame in me?’ It is difficult seeing other people displaying behavior that you internalized as being shameful and unacceptable.

I am obviously not talking about hurtful, criminal behavior which is obviously unacceptable but rather the various types of behavior that we see everyday.

What are your personal stereotypes? Do these beliefs need re-examining to see if you really do have the absolute truth about what is acceptable or not?

Do Mohawks, tattoos, funny shoes etc really cause harm to society?? I think not!

I can highly recommend the book I quoted.
John Bradshaw, ‘Healing the shame that binds you’, available through Amazon.


The Sunday Roast

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Have you heard this story about the Sunday roast?

Tarryn: “Is there a reason you cut the roast in half before putting it in the oven? Some sort of new recipe?”
Sue: “No, that’s the way my Mom always did it, so I’m just doing it the same way…. “Come to think of it I should ask her why, I never thought of that before.”

Sue: “Hey Mom, is there a reason that you always cut the roast in half before putting it in the oven.”
Mom: “No, that’s the way Gran always did it when I was growing up. I just carried on doing the same.” Better ask Gran for the reason.”

Sue: “Hey Gran, Mom said that you always cut the Sunday roast in half before putting it in the oven. I’m interested, was there a reason for this?”
Gran: “Oh yes, my dear, there was a very good reason. My oven in those days was so small. That was the only way the roast would fit into the oven. You’re so fortunate nowadays with your huge ovens!”

Belief systems. How often do we do things because ‘that’s the way it’s always done’ without really knowing why. As we grow up we learn all sorts of ‘beliefs’ about how to deal with life. Some common beliefs are:

  • ‘If I can’t do something perfectly, better not do it at all.’
  • ‘I must always do what other people expect of me, I can’t say no because then they won’t like me.’
  • ‘Children are to be seen and not heard’ becomes a belief in adulthood that ‘nobody will be interested in what I have to say, so I better keep quiet.’
  • ‘My mother is always right! (mmh!)

Examine your beliefs. I could make a very long list of all sorts of beliefs like this, but I’m sure you can think of some beliefs that you have about dealing with life. They could be helpful beliefs or not.

Write them down and then make a point of examining the belief and whether it’s worth holding onto. Ask a friend what they think about your belief. Is this the sort of advice you would give to a close friend.

If you asked me about the belief ‘If you can’t do something perfectly, better not do it at all’, I’d have to say I totally disagree. This is perfectionist thinking. There are so many things I enjoy doing but very few, if any, that I do perfectly. So why rob myself of enjoying what I do in a quest for perfection.

Actually, the teen years and 20′s is the usual time to re-examine the beliefs that you took for granted as being right while growing up. Some you keep and some you throw out as not being for you.

Some people skip this stage and carry on living according to others expectations. This is unhealthy so it is often depression that forces a person to deal with the dilemma of  … WHO AM I ? … for the first time. That’s good and healthy!!  It’s time to become your own person, a special unique person. The process can be hard as not everyone’s going to be happy that you just don’t just fall in line with their expectations anymore.

Persevere. A good place to start:

  • Every time someone says something that gives you a physical reaction, like a thump in the stomach or chest, don’t let that feeling go unchecked.
  • Ask yourself why you had that reaction. Does it tell you about some belief that you should or shouldn’t have? Do some detective work.
  • When you’ve deciphered a belief, ask yourself if that belief is helpful and even if it is true.
  • If it’s unhelpful, give it marching orders!

Socrates said that ‘an un-examined life is not worth living.’ Examine your beliefs, and free yourself from the shackles of other people’s beliefs and expectations!

 


Accepting Help

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Isn’t it true that many of us like to help other people, but are not so good at accepting help from others? We all have a need to be needed and when we help others we get this need met. This feels good.

But in order to give help we need someone who will accept our offer of help. Now this can be a problem because we have been taught to be independent and self-sufficient. Have you ever offered help to someone and your help has been rejected, even thought it’s clear that the person needs help? Your offer of help is rejected just so the other person can stay feeling self-sufficient and even feel proud of their independence.

Actually as humans we are meant to be interdependent, helping each other and receiving help from others. This is what makes for healthy relationships. When you reject someone’s offer of help you are stopping their ‘need to be needed’ from being met! You’re being quite selfish! So maybe think of an offer of help in another way. Somebody offers you help, think of the other person rather than yourself. By accepting the offer of help you’re giving the other person an opportunity to have their ‘need to be needed’ met. By accepting help you’re giving the other person a chance to feel good about themselves and build up their self-esteem.

Many years ago I read the book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck,  a book I can highly recommend. I’d like to share an example of this principle from his book.

One Sunday as Dr Scott Peck left church it started raining. A patient of his who attended the same church, came up to him and offered him her umbrella. Dr Scott Peck’s reply was ‘no thank you, I’ll just run quickly!’ When he climbed into his car he realized what he had done and was furious with himself. By refusing her help, he had denied this young woman the opportunity to feel needed.

M. Scott Peck’s book, ‘The Road Less Travelled’ is available through Amazon. If you’re interested, just click on the book icon in the sidebar which will link you to Amazon.


Seeking Approval

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The Seal of Approval!

We all have a need for approval and love, there’s no arguing that. But when this need for approval from other people controls everything we say or do, there’s a problem. This need for approval can rob one of the joy of living a full life.

The Need for Approval

If you are constantly evaluating yourself through the eyes of others, seeking out approval, you will be very vulnerable to anxiety and depression.You’ll also ‘walk on eggshells’ trying to do what you believe others expect of you, rather than living your life authentically. Be careful as a person with an excessive need for approval can be easily manipulated because of an overwhelming need to avoid conflict. Learn a healthy way of dealing with criticism otherwise it can be the trigger that sends you down the spiral into depression, as well as leaving you feeling extremely anxious.

  • Anxiety can have its roots in the belief that you have no right to express your feelings your needs or your opinions. There is a great underlying fear of disapproval. When you get this type of anxious feeling reassure yourself that you have the right to express your needs and opinions. This often happens in a marriage relationship. Just remember that if your partner ends up in a bad mood because you’ve expressed your needs, that’s their problem, not yours. Don’t let yourself be cowered into being manipulated.
  • Learn to say no! If you can’t say no, then you’re a people pleaser, with an excessive need for approval. ‘People won’t like me if I don’t do what they say’ is a common thought, and shows a fear of rejection. Start practicing saying ‘no’ and you might be surprised to see that people still like you! When someone asks you to do something, it might be too big a first step, to say an outright NO. Just reply ‘Thank you for asking me, let me give it some thought and I’ll get back to you’. The decision then becomes yours, because you want to and not because you’re feeling manipulated.
  • Practice verbalizing your needs A fear of disapproval can also make a person fearful of expressing their needs. The result? The expectation that a person, particularly a spouse will ‘mind-read’ your needs! Impossible. Even if you expect your partner to ‘know’ your needs, accept that people are very forgetful (part of being human) and just express them again, in a nice way!

 


Easily Offended!

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Are you easily offended? Do you get quickly upset when a person says something to you that you think they shouldn’t have said? The fact of the matter is that we really cannot control what other people say to us. We all say unintentionally hurtful things at times.

Before you fly off into a rage about what the person has said, give yourself a bit of time to cool down and put the situation back into perspective. A person struggling with depression might also magnify the severity of the offense. Shooting from the hip in retaliation is only going to make matters worse. The other person will then have to put up a defensive shield and start censoring everything they say, just to avoid fireworks from you again. This is called ‘walking on eggshells’. Having to second guess a person’s reaction to what you are about to say, is really not a good basis for a mutually satisfying relationship, is it?

  • Before you react, ask yourself if the other person is really wanting to harm you? If your answer is yes, then deal with the situation as politely as possible, explaining how what they said offended you. It is better to do this unemotionally.
  • If your answer to this question is no, you really don’t think the other person was intentionally trying to hurt you, then let it go. Give the comment wings and let it fly away!

It really is not worth making an otherwise good relationship bad because of one unintentionally offensive comment. You can even mentally place the comment in a bubble and watch it float away!


Living a life according to others expectations!

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The very biggest regret of both men and women approaching the end of their lives is:

‘I wish I’d been courageous enough to live a life true to myself, not the life other people expected of me’.

People so often try to be what they think others want them to be in the hope of being loved and accepted. This seldom works as we can’t truly be someone who we’re not! We need to live a life true to ourselves and sometimes this requires practice. I hope you enjoy this poem by Dale Wimbrow. Although the poem refers to ‘the woman’, it applies equally to men!

The Woman in the Glass 

When you get what you want as you struggle for self
And the world makes you queen for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that woman has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or husband
Whose judgement upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

She’s the person to please, never mind all the rest,
For she’s with you clear up to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the woman in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life,
And get pats on your back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the woman in the glass

Do you find it difficult to love the person you see in the mirror? Make a decision to have a good look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell your reflection how beautiful you are. The Lord says you are fearfully and wonderfully made! The Lord created you to be exactly the person you are and he never makes a mistake. Believe it!