Isn’t it true that many of us like to help other people, but are not so good at accepting help from others? We all have a need to be needed and when we help others we get this need met. This feels good.

But in order to give help we need someone who will accept our offer of help. Now this can be a problem because we have been taught to be independent and self-sufficient. Have you ever offered help to someone and your help has been rejected, even thought it’s clear that the person needs help? Your offer of help is rejected just so the other person can stay feeling self-sufficient and even feel proud of their independence.

Actually as humans we are meant to be interdependent, helping each other and receiving help from others. This is what makes for healthy relationships. When you reject someone’s offer of help you are denying their ‘need to be needed’ to be met! You’re being quite selfish! So maybe think of an offer of help in another way. Somebody offers you help, think of the other person rather than yourself. By accepting the offer of help you’re giving the other person an opportunity for having their need to be needed met, giving them an a chance to feel good about themselves and build up their self-esteem.

Many years ago I read the book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck,  a book I can highly recommend. I’d like to share an example of this principle from his book.

One Sunday as Dr Scott Peck left church it started raining. A patient of his who attended the same church, came up to him and offered him her umbrella. Dr Scott Peck’s reply was ‘no thank you, I’ll just run quickly!’ When he climbed into his car he realized what he had done and was furious with himself. By refusing her help, he had denied this young woman the opportunity to feel needed.

M. Scott Peck’s book, ‘The Road Less Travelled’ is available through Amazon. If you’re interested, just click on the book icon in the sidebar which will link you to Amazon.

There was a little boy who found a caterpillar while playing outdoors. With great care he picked it up and took it inside to show his mother as he wanted to keep it. He took great care of the caterpillar which he placed in a jar. Everyday, he brought it fresh leaves to eat, and sticks to climb on.

Metamorphosis One day the caterpillar started acting rather strangely. Hurriedly the little boy called his mother who explained that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon and that after this it would change into a beautiful butterfly.

Everyday he watched, waiting for the butterfly to appear. And then one day, it happened. A small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started struggling to get out. The little boy started getting worried as he was concerned that the butterfly couldn’t get free even though it was struggling so hard!

He decided that the butterfly needed his help. He carefully snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger so the butterfly could come out.

As the butterfly came out the boy got a shock. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He kept watching but the butterfly’s body never did shrink and nor did the butterfly’s wings expand.

The butterfly never was able to fly…

So what went wrong? The boy had tried to be so helpful. In desperation he asked his mother what had happened. That is when he learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push itself through the small opening of the cocoon is what would push the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions had actually hurt the butterfly.

To struggle is part of life … and it is GOOD for you!! It is the way you learn and grow and gives you the ability to fly!

Oscar Pistorius, known as the ‘blade runner’ is South Africa’s sporting hero. We’re so proud of him being chosen to represent our country in the Olympic Games (for the able-bodied) despite being technically disabled with prosthetic legs.

His sporting motto is “You’re not disabled by the disabilities you have, you are able by the abilities you have”. Focus on your abilities rather than allowing yourself to be brought down by your disabilities.

Being Mothers Day I thought I would read up about what his mother was like. I could only think that she must have been an incredible driving force behind Oscar as he was growing up. I wasn’t disappointed with what I read.

Oscar has a brother Carl and when their mother Shiela told Carl to put his shoes on, she told Oscar to put his legs and and ‘that’s the last I want ot hear of it!” She died when Oscar was 14 and he has wonderful memories of her. ‘She was very cool; a very hectic, free spirit. She didn’t really comply with much and had a very carefree approach to life. She didn’t take anything too seriously…. and never made decisions for us. When you try to do things sometimes and you don’t succeed and you give up, you never really know what the potential could have been if you had stayed dedicated to something.’ What inspiring words and what a wonderful tribute to his mother.

This did get me thinking… We can either bring our children ready to explore this wonderful world of ours, or we can limit them by our own fears. When we limit them by our fears children walk in the footsteps of their parents, go to the same college, qualify for the same job and marry the same sort of person as their opposite sex parent. Children grow up into replicas of their parents – all very safe!

We all learn from our mistakes and so children should also be given the opportunity to explore this world and grown into the people they are meant to be. If you don’t try you don’t know what you’ve missed out on, so you’d better make the most of every opportunity that comes your way!

To all the mothers out there – Wishing you a very happy Mothers Day!!

Information on Oscar Pistorius obtained from : http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/olympics/article-2117316/Oscar-Pistorius-exclusive-walking-wild-side.html#ixzz1tv4EM24y

SURVIVOR GUILT

This past weekend I had the pleasure of going on a day tour to the site of the Anglo/Zulu battlefields in KwaZuluNatal, South Africa. The highlight was seeing the battleground at Isandlwana. The battle between the British and the Zulus that took place here in 1879 was the one where the British suffered their most devastating defeat of the colonial era. The tour really brought this famous battle to life and it was a reminder of the terrible loss of life that occurred.

It is recorded that only 55 British soldiers managed to escape with their lives and probably only managed to outrun the Zulu warriors because they were on horseback. However, a bit further down the line and across the Buffalo river which was the border between Natal and Zululand, it is recorded that about 400 men had been seen crossing the river and escaping. The question that arises is that if the official record showed 55 survivors what happened  to the other 345 who had also been seen escaping?

The answer to this is that they were suffering from survivor guilt. British soldiers who were massacred numbered 1,300. These other 345 survivors literally disappeared into the community. Many were not seen for many years, preferring to be presumed dead rather than face the shame and disgrace of having run away from the scene of the battle and being alive when so many others had died. Our guide Don, said that there was one survivor who only surfaced in his 70′s deciding that he could no longer live ‘a lie’.

Survivor Guilt is defined as a deep feeling of guilt which is often experienced by those who have survived a disaster that took the lives of many others. It stems in part from a feeling that they didn’t do enough to save the lives of those who died as well as feeling less worthy than those who did die. This experience can even lead to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Survivor guilt also occurs in situations like a car accident where a person who survives experiences survivor guilt when all the others are killed. Survivor guilt can also be experienced a person who escapes death in a fatal car accident because they changed their minds at the last minute about joining the trip. The question that lingers is why did they survive when the others died. I have not doubt that as with the soldiers at Isandlwana, many of our modern day soldiers also suffer from survivor guilt having seen their worthy comrades fall in battle.

Survivor Guilt is often the result of distorted thinking. You have to ask yourself what you are really guilty of. Usually the guilt is not based in reality. Although it is terrible losing loved ones, just by living in this world these sorts of things do tragically. Staying with that guilt will debilitate one for a long time. A sense of gratitude for your life would be a more appropriate, correct response.

Should you be visiting KwaZulu/Natal and would like to do some day tours I can highly recommend the professional services of Don Botterill at Day Tours

SURVIVING TRAUMA

We live a violent world. We just have to turn on the TV to see evidence of murder, car hijackings, hold-ups and shootings. If you’ve been a victim of violent crime, you need to do all you can to become a trauma survivor rather than a trauma victim.

What happened to you was without a doubt unfair. I want you to be a survivor so here are a few tips to help you on the road to recovery.

• Anger is a normal response to what has happened to you. As you talk about the traumatic event, expect anger to well up inside you. Don’t try and minimize your anger or tell yourself not to be so angry. Anger is a normal and good response. Learning to name the emotions you experience is an important step in healing.
• Tell the full story The best way to get over your experience is to verbalize what happened to you as many times as possible. Most people are not really good listeners so it can be helpful to go for professional help. Untreated, a traumatic experience can lead to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, a friend who is a good listener can also be really helpful and walk alongside you on this journey. Ask your friend to read this post, to give them a bit of guidance as well.  Repeat your story as many times as possible until you are ‘tired’ of talking about what happened. Think of all the smallest details of what happened to you, even down to what each person was wearing.  You need to re-live the experience through speaking out loud about the trauma. This really does help the healing process and after a while will remove the sting. Your friend could help you by prompting you with words like  ’and then what happened?’

Friendly advice to the helping friend

• Don’t tell the trauma survivor that they should be over it by now. 
• Don’t tell them that they’ve already told you particular details.
• Don’t try and help them understand the abuse from the perpetrator’s perspective. This comes across as justifying the abuse and is actually a further abuse.
• Don’t keep away from your friend because you feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. Stay totally focused on your friend – this is a time when they need to feel loved.
• DO – Keep in contact You might be tired of listening to your friend BUT remember this time is not about you but about helping your friend. Make regular ‘get-together’ times and love your friend into becoming a trauma survivor.

I can highly recommend the book “I Can’t Get Over It – A Handbook for Trauma Survivors” by Aphrodite Matsakis who is a specialist in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This book is available through Amazon

If you’ve been through a traumatic experience please share in the comments box anything that you found helpful in your recovery. In this way you might be helping other readers as well.

“If you can’t do something perfectly, don’t do it at all.”

We’ve all heard this saying, either from ourselves or our perfectionist friends. We all grow up learning how to deal with the world and these beliefs get ‘hard-wired’ into our brains and guide the way we behave. So just because you believe that if you can’t do something perfectly, it’s better not to do it at all, doesn’t mean to say that it is true! Perfectionists are very prone to depression because their standards of how the world should be and how other people should be, are just not based in reality. Thinking is so often black or white, rather than in the middle gray area.

Trying to be perfect can rob one of enjoyment as well as the pleasure of trying out new activities.

If you are battling with depression one thing you could do to overcome depression is to examine your underlying thoughts. See if you can replace the thought or belief with one that is grounded more in reality. Try and think of the reasons why your belief might not be worth holding onto.

I can think of several reasons for discarding  the belief “if you can’t do something perfectly, don’t do it at all.” I enjoy doing crafts and trying out new things. If the aim of my hobbies were to achieve perfection in all I do, I would have to give up before I even start! I’d achieve nothing! There is no way that I can do all I want to do ‘perfectly’. My aim is not perfection, but rather enjoyment. I’m focused on the process, not the end result. This is why perfectionists are so often procrastinators as well. In fact it is often the non-perfectionist who achieves far more in the long run than the perfectionist.

Learn to change your underlying beliefs and start enjoying life! Click here for some tips on doing this. Enjoy the ride and don’t only focus on the destination!

Many years ago I knew a lady, who struggled enormously with depression and took a lot of medication. On top of that she started her day with a few alcoholic drinks to get her going! Oh, and her marriage was in a mess as well. To be honest I didn’t think her depression would ever lift given the circumstances.

I lost contact with her and then quite a few years later, we crossed paths again. She was so excited. “My depression is gone and I haven’t taken medication for a few years now”. I wondered if she’d got divorced, and that’s why she felt so much better. As if reading my thoughts she continued ‘Oh, and my marriage has also come right and I’m now happily married!’

This all seemed too good to be true so all I could do was ask her how this incredible transformation had come about. These were her words: ‘I decided to stop trying to change my husband and to rather accept him exactly as he is.’  I was truly amazed. She had changed her goal into a desire and that is what had made all the difference!

Goals versus Desires

This lady had made it her life goal to change her husband. This type of goal is doomed to failure as we can’t change another person. It really is outside our control. A goal like this needs to be changed into a desire. The thinking needs to change to something like ‘It would be great if …. happened, but actually it’s outside of my control. A person only changes if they want to do it themselves. It’s not my responsibility. My responsibility is to love and accept that person as they are!’

For this lady, this type of mental change, improved her marriage and helped her overcome depression as well. As she gave up control, her husband felt more accepted and loved, and in turn he became more loving and less critical. Her decision had a positive spiral effect!

Ask yourself if you have goals that are outside of your control. If you do, change these to desires and let go of the urge to control and then see what happens!

WHAT IF? .. What If? … what if?… what if?

The question of ‘what if?’ is typical of a person who suffers from anxiety. Anxiety is always future related and the question ‘what if?’ is usually followed by a negative future prediction. The trouble is that these negative future predictions can seem so real because they usually do contain a grain of truth. The end result is that everybody else around the anxious person gets drawn into believing that this predicted outcome is based in reality and also end up in a heap of anxiety!

When you start predicting the future with ‘What if?‘ ask yourself this question: What evidence do I have that this will be the outcome?

Let’s look at a few examples and see how we can change the way we think in response to ‘what if?:

• A friend of mine won’t go at night because ‘what if the house is burgled when I’m out?‘. Your house might be burgled, but then again, it also might not. Reassure yourself that you’ve done all you can to secure your house. Then go out and enjoy yourself. What fun is there in life staying housebound and bored just ‘in case’ your house gets burgled.

• I don’t like flying in a plane because what if it has engine problems? Again do you stay housebound because of this fear. The truth is that far more people get killed in road accidents than in plane accidents. Perhaps go on a desensitization program with one of the airways to overcome this phobia.

•  I can’t go to that party because what if I don’t know anyone there? Once again, are you going to stay housebound and miss the chance of possibly meeting some exciting people. You don’t have to know anyone at the party to have a good time, do you? You can make the party exciting and make other people feel wanted. 

Whenever I hear the words ‘what if?’ my mind immediately reacts with the words I probably heard way back in the 1970′s. ‘If all the hippies cut of their hair, I don’t care! …  I don’t know where it came from but if you know, please tell me.

Stay grounded in the present, the past is gone and keep the future as a surprise!

The Question of “WHY?” Do you feel stressed by people continually asking you ‘WHY?’ . Read on to find out why it causes you stress.

Automatic Behavior

Most of our behavior is automatic. If you are familiar with a particular task, the ‘how to’ is stored in your unconscious. The next time you do a similar task, you do it automatically. Once we’ve read an instruction manual we don’t need to read it over and over again as most of it will be committed to memory. If you had to work out ‘how-to’ afresh each time you did a particular task, the brain would go into overload and would probably shut-down from the extreme stress it would cause. As an example think about when you drive your car. You don’t rethink how you have to put in the clutch to change gear …. Once you know how to reach your destination you don’t have to look at the map again and again and rework out your route, do you? When you sat down this morning did you evaluate or think about whether the chair would hold you? Of course not! Obviously there are times you do have to consider each step of what you are about to do but most times we function on ‘automatic’. And the ‘automatic’ response comes from life’s lessons down the years.

The question why “WHY” can cause stress

If most of what we do comes from this ‘automatic response’ most of the time the appropriate answer to the question WHY would be ‘I really don’t know why, it just seemed like the right way’. Often the person asking ‘WHY?’ won’t be satisfied with that response so the stress increases as you are further interrogated!

When asked “Why did you do …?” in a harsh, irritated, manner the question comes across as a criticism and a put-down for having done whatever you did  in the wrong way. You didn’t do it how you ‘should have’ according to the other person’s expectations and their automatic response patterns. So stress is usually triggered by the way, the manner in which the person poses the question “WHY?”.

A gentler approach aimed at reaching a mutual understanding would be better. Replace  the word ‘WHY’ with an inquiry like ‘I’m trying to understand what you did. Is there a reason why you did it that way?’ . It’s a case of working together. If you don’t want to answer the reason ‘why’, turn the question around and ask the other person why they need to know!

If you want to interrogate someone for not having done things your way, or how you think they ‘should’ have done it, ask yourself the question if the other person was intentionally trying to harm you. The answer will usually be no, so let the issue go and accept that we all respond differently in a given situation. Rather move on and deal with what comes next rather than stagnating and stressing about something that is now in the past.

The word ‘should, must and ought’ are the source of anger. If you would like to know the effects of using these words consciously or unconsciously, please click here.

Photography by Nicola Stewart at http://beblessed-cards.blogspot.com

Dangerous situations trigger our ‘fight or flight’ reaction. We all know about the flight or flight response but I’d never really thought of it in the animal kingdom. Read on!

Rhino Slaughter

South Africa has an enormous problem with rhino poaching. These beautiful animals are killed for their horns for buyers in the East who believe the horn has magical medicinal properties. This is utter rubbish as the horn is much like fingernails which have NO medicinal qualities. Tragically the slaughter continues.

Flight or fight!

Fiona Macleod, in “Orphans get a second chance” (Mail & Guardian, South Africa, March 30 2012) talks about the Fight or Flight response in older rhino calves. The bond between the rhino mother and her calf is incredibly strong. The baby calf often doesn’t leave the dead mother and the calf is usually found covered in machete wounds.

The reaction of the older calves is interesting – they typically displayed a ‘flight or fight’ response. Some tried to charge the poachers and were regularly found with gun shot wounds, or else killed for the little stumps of their horns. Some of the other older calves just take off and keep running, so when they are found days later they have to be treated for dehydration. Really sad, isn’t it?

Self-criticism

A ‘flight or fight’ response is hard-wired into all creatures, enabling us to deal with life-threatening situations. Many people criticize themselves for how they reacted in a dangerous situation. If they run away, they criticize themselves for not having stood up and confronted the danger. If they stayed and confronted the danger, they criticize themselves for having been stupid not to have run away. And if we don’t criticize ourselves, there are many others who will do it for us! “You should have done.. ” can be a well-meaning but very unhelpful comment!

Reassure yourself that how you react in a dangerous situation comes automatically and the way you respond is the best way for you to respond! Flight or fight are both equally correct responses There is certainly NO time to think about whether  you should stay and fight, or flee! Logic has no say as your  automatic response kicks in. Don’t buy into a guilt trip of having made the wrong decision. It’s illogical and only makes you feel worse. You responded in the very best way!

Confronted by a rhino? My flight response will definitely kick in. No thinking needed as I’ll run as fast as my legs can carry me up the nearest tree!