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I can’t live without you!!

Aren’t these so often the words of young people newly in love. Take a moment to listen to those words – it’s all about ME.

“I want You to make me feel fulfilled, to make me feel worthwhile about myself”!

Stop putting yourself first and rather see how you can better love your partner if you want your relationship to last. This is called selfless love.

A relationship is like a bank account.

Have you ever been in overdraft on your bank account? You can’t keep on withdrawing without making any deposits. You have to keep your bank account in the black if you want to avoid huge bank charges. Same with a relationship, make sure the emotional “bank account” is always in the black. That way you can make some “withdrawals” as you do when you’re self-centered and selfish. But make sure to put in a “whole lotta love” to keep the account healthy. You want to avoid those hefty bank overdraft charges!

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I am busy reading ‘The World until Yesterday’ by Jared Diamond (page 65) and came across an interesting paragraph about expectations.

Andaman Islanders

“Some traditional societies negotiate explicit exchanges and both items pass hands at the same time, in other cases one party presents a gift, and the recipient thereby incurs the obligation to provide a gift of comparable value at some unspecified time in the future. The simplest form of such reciprocal gifting occurs among Andaman Islanders for whom there is little delay between the two halves of the transaction. A local group invites one or more other local groups to a feast that lasts a few days, and to which the visitors bring objects such as bows, arrow, adzes, baskets and clay. A visitor gives an object to a host, who cannot refuse the gift but is then expected to give something of equal value. If the second gift does not meet the guest’s expectations, the guest may become angry.”

Essentially gifts must be of equal value or there could be anger! Interesting thought.

Unmet expectations lead to anger and resentment

Most of us aren’t quite so explicit in our expectations. Can you just imagine a conversation like this between two friends

“I gave you a silk blouse for your birthday and all you gave me for my birthday is a box of chocolates. I’m SO angry with you.”

No, won’t happen! We’re brought up to have good manners and so the resentment festers under the surface. And we seethe because of all sorts of interpretations that we attach to the event.”Waah, my friend doesn’t really like me or else she would have spent more on my present!!”

Have NO Expectations and you’ll never be disappointed!

You’ll have a far happier life if you give gifts, whether it be material gifts, or acts of kindness, with no expectation of the gift being reciprocated. Give a gift because you want to, not because of what you expect in return. Then when a gift is reciprocated it is like the cherry on top of the cake - unexpected and delicious!

The World until Yesterday by Jared Diamond is Available from Amazon

Read another post from Collapse by Jared Diamond here.

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Irene Emanuel

DISAPPEARANCE

Unbearable heaviness;
Inexplicable sadness;
A burden of non-explanation
that’s ripping my façade to shreds.
Weakness encircles my upper body;
A loss of strength
that reduces me
to tearful hopelessness;
A cowering scrap of indecision
that is beyond caring.
In lucid leaps of cognizance,
I am aware of sliding into despair.
I communicate my terror to GOD –
I discuss my emptiness;
the barren strangeness of sound
reverberating through the hallways
of my mind.
Sorrow slouches arrogantly,
spitting out slivers of sharp scorn
at my despondency;
at my un-voiced fears and inadequacies.
I live in devastated ignorance
of my dissemblance.
Would GOD understand my lapse
into nothingness?

BY: IRENE EMANUEL   24-01-2003

Thank you again Irene for sharing this poem.To read “The Darkness” by Irene Emanuel as well as more information about the poet, please  click here

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Irene Emanuel

What blackness pulls me,
protesting that I prefer the light,
but still wrenches my soul
into it’s glacial madness.

What triumphant tentacle
tweaks my tiredness
into tedious paralysis.

What despicable emotion
delivers my self-respect
into oblivion.

What relentless ribbon
encircles my lungs and
rivets my breath
to my throat.

It is the dull depressive dankness
that deprives my brain
of it’s life-force
and I die by degrees.

BY: IRENE EMANUEL (03-09-2006)

The other evening I had the pleasure of meeting Irene and during our conversation I learnt that Irene is a well-known poet having won several distinguished awards.

“Poetry allows me to get my message across with rhythmic speed and clarity and is the written word that I like best. My passions are music, reading, movies and cats.
Poetry has brought me into contact with many special people and in the process I have learnt that poetry breaks down social barriers of class and language. I feel privileged to have a gift of such magnitude, one that I love to share with anyone who wants to listen.”

Irene’s poems have been published  locally and abroad and can be found in “World Anthology of Journeys”, “Unbreaking The Rainbow, Voices of Protest”, in issues of “A Hudson View” and “The Speech and drama Association of S.A.”

In 2006, a collection of her poems, “A Scorpion Sings” was published by Trayberry Press.
“Count Catula of Shadoland & friends”, a selection of poetry, was published by Osborne Porter Literary Services in March 2011.

If you would like to contact Irene you may do so through this website and I’ll pass on the message. And to Irene - Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us.

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THE EFFECTS OF CRITICAL PARENTS

When I counsel a person with depression sooner or later they will talk about their childhood and critical parents. As children, no matter how hard they tried, they just couldn’t please their parents. And even in old age, with the parents long since dead and buried they’re still trying to please their critical parents.

WHY DO PARENTS CRITICIZE THEIR CHILDREN?

Critical parents often had critical parents themselves, this is how they were taught to parent. To a child parents are God-like, all knowing and whatever they speak is the truth. Constant criticism leaves a mark on the child’s self-esteem.The child then enters adulthood with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence to try anything new, including a lack of confidence in how to love unconditionally.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

A person’s most important emotional need is for unconditional love. Knowing what unconditional love is like enables us, in turn, to love unconditionally. Children need the security of knowing they are loved even when their behavior is not so great. Unconditional love means never having to feel a threat of love being withdrawn. Giving unconditional love to ‘bratty’ children can be difficult, especially if you never received it while growing up yourself. In fact if your children are being ‘bratty’ focus on the behavior you don’t approve of rather than criticizing the character of the child.

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Clicking on the book image will take you to Amazon.

Slave Mentality

In the book “Kathie”, the author makes reference to ‘slave mentality‘. Nowadays many people are slaves on a psychological level. Think about it. What are you a slave to? What’s holding you back from a life unfettered by chains and enjoying a life of freedom?

Who is your master? Could it be alcohol, drug or sex addictions? What about the way you think? Low self-esteem, fear of what others might think, a victim mentality, depressed thinking? Any of these can keep a person in chains, preventing a life of freedom. Let’s not forget attitudes like resentment and a lack of forgiveness – these can also hold one in chains.

As you read this excellent extract from the book “Kathie” think about the things that keep you in chains.

‘Beware of slave mentality,’ said Ndwana. ‘It is a cunning sickness. We may  have it without knowing we have it.’

‘How may we diagnose it?’ 

‘That is a good question,’ answered Ndwana. ‘He who has the mind of a slave accepts the existing order of things as unchanging and unchangeable, because his master has told him it is so. He does not question it; still less does he try to change it. When he is kicked he cringes; he fawns on the hand that smites him. He begs for crumbs for himself, but not his brother; he slinks into a corner to lick his own wounds, but does not see the wounds of his brother; bullied by his master, he bullies those who are even more unfortunate than himself. Robbed of will and reason, he becomes stupid and hardened of feelings for others. He loses the very power to think of himself as a man.’

‘It is a grim picture,’

…..’Stupid lies masquerade as the truth. And you yourselves believe them….’ (Taylor 2008:333)

We act on whatever we believe to be the truth, even stupid lies that seem like the truth. The only way to break free is to see the lies for what they are and expose these lies to the light of truth.

John 8:32 “…Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

“Kathie” by Dora Taylor is available from Amazon.

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Do you feel that nobody loves you? Maybe even feeling a bit resentful to your partner? Sometimes our thinking can be a bit skewed and we only see the negative, discounting any positive aspects in our lives. Using a gift diary will help sort out that kind of negative thinking and can revitalize a fading relationship.

First step is to get a small notebook to use as your gift diary.

DAILY RECORD 

1. Record three ‘gifts’ you give and receive from your partner every day, starting with today. If you don’t have a partner, think of a person who you are close to. These gifts don’t have to be material gifts and certainly don’t have to be big. Be on the look out for little gifts, like when your partner did or said something kind or helpful to you. Record in your diary words like “I appreciated your help with… .  I appreciated the way you….I appreciated the look you gave me when…”
2. Talk about these gifts with your partner before you go to bed at night. This way you and your partner can start learning from each other the small actions that make you feel loved. Share how this gift made you feel.
3. Say Thank You Many people find it hard to receive gifts and minimize the good things that are said and done to them. Say thank you – this makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. We all like to be appreciated and loved, and you’ll find that your partner will want to give you more.

MY PARTNER’S DREAM GIFT INVENTORY

1. Again using your gift diary, create a list of the things you think your partner values receiving. This can be hard but don’t miss this step.
2. Now check this list out with your partner. Were you accurate, and is there anything that you’ve missed out. Add this to your list. It’s amazing how many times we presume that we know what our partner likes, but are wrong. This presumption is based on what we like and then presume everybody else is the same as us. Wrong!!
3. Find out details about each dream gift. What time of day, in what setting, and how often would your partner like to receive your gift?

The point of this exercise is to shift how you relate to your partner from the unconscious to the conscious.When we relate from the unconscious, it has more to do with what we think our partner wants.When we relate from a conscious level, we relate to our partner from what we know our partner wants.

If your partner doesn’t acknowledge your gifts gently ask whether they see what you did as a gift. For example you may enjoy buying flowers or chocolates for your partner. You’re excited but you find they’re not. The only way to know if they see it as ‘a gift’ is by asking. Don’t criticize them for not appreciating you and being ungrateful as that will defeat the purpose! If they value it as a gift, continue with this gift, knowing in your heart that it’s accepted as a gift.

Instead of guessing little gifts that your partner might like, ask them directly. We’re all different so what you see as a gift might not be what your partner sees as a gift. It’s okay to be different!

Keep adding to your DREAM GIFT INVENTORY by becoming sensitive to comments that your partner makes in passing about their dreams and desires. Your partner will feel SO loved when your gift meets their need!

And that after all is the point of a gift diary, to give and receive love.

The post A Gift Diary to Remember YOU are Loved appeared first on Overcoming Depression.

What we think or believe affects the way we live our lives. See if any of these common self-defeating attitudes and fears apply to you. Try to work out how these attitudes just make your life a misery. Do any of these give you a light-bulb experience “that’s me!!” . If so, take note of the thought, check it out with others and really examine why this attitude might just cause you misery in the long run, why it might not be worth holding onto.

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Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their  child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

• if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

• “You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
• “Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
• “You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
• “Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.

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