Category Archives: Success

The Joy of Honesty

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We live in a culture that worships success and confidence. Mistakes are embarrassing, so we try to hide our inadequacies and vulnerabilities to appear in control. However if we’re honest about exactly who we are there’s nothing left to hide. If we accept ourselves as we are, strengths and weaknesses, it’s easier to cope with any criticisms that come our way.”Yip, that’s me!” We’re now free to listen to what the other person has to say rather than just thinking of ways to defend ourselves. Defensiveness never leads to good communication.

The truth is of course not always welcome but I’d far rather someone be honest with me if they feel I’ve done something wrong. I really don’t enjoy people putting on a fake politeness. “Oh there’s nothing wrong” they proclaim but all the body language tells me otherwise. Tell me if I’ve got spinach stuck in my teeth!

We also lie to ourselves because it can be less painful than facing up to our flaws. If we can be honest about ourselves and who we really are, the resulting emotional freedom can be truly liberating.

So it all starts in the mind and what we believe about ourselves and living life. If you make a mistake, accept it as part of being human, apologize if necessary and move on. It’s okay!

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

Click here for my related post on how to successfully deal with anger and criticism.


Planning for Success!

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In this time of economic down-turn it’s even more important to plan to succeed. We all want success whether it be clinching a job interview, impressing a first date or just plain making a connection with people. These situations can be quite stressful, but for some it can feel like an insurmountable hurdle. Let me share some tips I’ve found extremely helpful.

Step 1. Get your mind right!

If you believe you’re going to fail, you probably will because our behavior matches what we believe. You’ll set yourself up for failure.

  • Talk back to that inner voice that says you’ll fail. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend. Become your best friend.
  • Start behaving like a successful person and see the change in how people react to you.

Step 2. Practice “SOLER”

The word “SOLER” is an acronym for how to successfully engage with people. I learnt it as a student social worker and have found it enormously helpful. These techniques make other people feel relaxed and comfortable.

Use the SOLER principles when relating to people no matter what the circumstances. You will impress them with your relaxed manner.

S - stands for SQUARE. Sit facing a person ‘square-on’ or just slightly off ‘square’. This shows the other person that you are giving them your full attention.

O – stands for OPEN. Body language can reveal a lot! Crossing your legs away from the other person or folding your arms puts up a barrier. Sit with your legs uncrossed, fold your hands on your lap or rest them on the arm rests, in an open posture.

L – stands for LEANING into the conversation. Slouching back in the chair gives a message of not wanting to engage. Look at couples in any restaurant. Young lovers lean into the conversation, gazing into each other’s eyes, entranced by every word that comes through their lover’s lips!  Notice those who ‘lean out’ of the conversation. Oh, the joys of being in love!!

E – stands for EYE CONTACT. Looking someone in the eye gives a message of honesty and wanting to connect. Have you ever greeted someone who gives you a fleeting greeting while looking in the other direction! It gives a message of disinterest whereas it’s probably more often a symptom of anxiety. Smile and look the person in the eye when you greet them. Focus on making them feel important and relaxed! Look at the person speaking to you. It can be quite irritating speaking to a person whose gaze is elsewhere as they convey a message of disinterest.

R – stand for RELAX. Become aware of nervous habits like shaking your legs, fiddling with your hair, or scratching your head while speaking. These habits can be quite distracting.  I tend to use a lot of hand language. I realize this is a distraction when I notice people looking at my hands rather than at me! If you’re not aware of any habit that distracts others, ask a friend who will be honest with you.

Meeting someone for the first time.

Some people stress about what to say when they first meet a person. Just remember that ‘first conversations” have the sole purpose of letting the other person know you’re interested in connecting. It’s not a time for showing off your great intelligence with profound insights. It’s really a time for making small talk about things like the weather. The intelligent stuff can come later!

Change what you believe about yourself, and start acting confident. Good luck and have a good SOLER week!!


Society Collapse – Personal Collapse?

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“Collapse” by Jared Diamond makes for very interesting reading about the factors that led to the collapse of many ancient and modern societies. Some of his insights are very pertinent to running our own lives successfully.

Success or Failure?

As a society we make choices that determine whether we will succeed rather than fail. Diamond basically narrows these choices down to two that seem to have been crucial in tipping the outcome of the society towards success or failure.  These two choices are: long-term planning and a willingness to reconsider core values.

Short-term Planning

A major contributing  factor in society collapse is deforestation. Third World countries allow First World logging companies to deforest their lands because it brings in money and people are able to put food on the table. These short term ‘benefits’ cause a disastrous situation in the long-term as deforestation has ripple effects that put the society in a worse state than when they started.

  • Personal Lesson No. 1 Let go of immediate gratification in favor of long-term planning.

Core Values

The Greenland Norse (AD 1000) did not survive because they hung onto their core identity of being a European pastoral society. Trying to farm cattle in Greenland proved to be a disaster. They would have survived if they had learnt survival lessons from the Inuits.

On the other hand, Tikopia Islanders survived because they eliminated ecologically destructive pigs, even though pigs were their largest domestic animal and a status symbol.

  • Personal Lesson No. 2. It’s really pig-headed to hold onto core values that will ultimately lead to your (or the society’s) downfall.

Some more personal lessons

Long term planning

Diamond refers to “90-day thinking” which involves only focusing on issues likely to blow up in a crisis within the next 90 days. Think ahead. You are the author of your life so ask yourself what you want in the future. And then make a long term plan. A longer-term plan takes you out of short-term reactive decision-making. Psychologically speaking you won’t deforest the landscape for immediate gain.

  • Personal lesson No. 3 Face your problems. In the words of Jared Diamond, you need “the courage to practice long-term thinking, and to make bold, courageous, anticipatory decisions at a time when problems have become perceptible but before they have reached crisis proportions”. Don’t be like an ostrich, the problem won’t go away by hiding your head in the sand. Deal with your problem early on before it gains momentum and gets out of control.

Core Values

Question your values and ask yourself whether they are valid or not. Our values are learnt from our imperfect parents and imperfect society and many should be discarded. Do you do things because that’s the way your parents did it, without questioning why? That’s how sexism, racism and all those other ism’s get perpetuated in society, all justified by a value that has never been properly thought through: “that’s just the way we do it”.

Thank goodness for those brave souls who down the ages have faced the wrath of the status quo in their pursuit of justice, equality and a better world.

Long-term planning ….
Core values …
Gets one thinking doesn’t it?

Click this link to Amazon to purchase the book Collapse by Jared Diamond


It’s not about YOU!

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The boss shouts at you and your mood goes south! Sound familiar? So why does it affect your mood so badly?

For a start we don’t like making mistakes and being shouted at, but hey, that’s life. We learn when we make mistakes. But our biggest mistake is then jumping to the conclusion that we are personally a failure. Your behavior doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. Actions and self-image are two different things but so often we let them contaminate each other.

It’s not about YOU!!

Abraham Lincoln knew this lesson (Time magazine – November 5, 2012). Lincoln never confused his mission with himself. He never allowed his enemies to pull down his self-esteem. “Lincoln had the hide of a rhinoceros and a rare ability to set the past aside when turning former enemies into allies“. In other words, he kept his focus on his goals and the plans to achieve those goals. His self-esteem never entered the picture and remained intact whatever happened. “To Lincoln a grudge was a waste of resources. If a person could be useful, it mattered little whether he was  friend or foe”.

Some lessons to be learnt:

  • Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you’re a mistake because you made a mistake. We learn from our mistakes. Develop the hide of a rhinoceros.
  • Don’t hold grudges. They’re a waste of time and energy.  Can you think of anyone you’re holding a grudge against? Forgive them, not for their sake but your own. Why let the unnecessary weight of unforgiveness drag you down. Be quick to forgive.
  • Focus on your goals and make a plan to achieve them.

Have a good week!

 


The Power of Words – Sir John Gurdon – Nobel Prize winner

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In the beginning God spoke the Universe into being. “And God said, ‘Let there be light, and there was light…’” (Genesis 1).

Words are powerful – once spoken they’re out in the open and there’s no way you can make them disappear. Some people can be really nasty and mean but if you believe that the nasty words spoken to you are true, you will make them come true. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. However you can also choose to reject those words as untrue and not let them take away your dreams.

2012 Nobel Prize in Medicine

This prestigious award was recently given to Britain’s Sir John Gurdon and the Japanese Scientist Dr Shinya Yamanaka for their groundbreaking work in stem-cell research.

What really fascinated me was Gurdon’s story of his school experience. Gurdon proved that teachers don’t always know the truth!

Gurdon’s schoolboy ambition was to become a scientist.

“Quite ridiculous” said his Eton schoolmaster. “I believe Gurdon has ideas about becoming a scientist; on his present showing this is quite ridiculous; if he can’t learn simple biological facts, he would have no chance of doing the work of a specialist, and it would be a sheer waste of time, both on his part and of those who would have to teach him.”

There is power in the spoken word and that year, Gurdon scored the lowest mark for biology in his year at Eton. “Out of 250 people, to come bottom of the bottom form is quite something, and in a way the most remarkable achievement I could have been said to make,” said Gurdon.

Gurdon framed the old school report which is now a browning scrap of paper as a reminder. It keeps him humble when an experiment doesn’t work out!

What can we learn from this?

What God speaks will come into being but … teachers and parents? No, not necessarily. Children often think adults are God-like and what they speak is the truth, but they’re not. They make mistakes and get things wrong.

Can you think of some nasty or destructive things that were said to you as a child that still impact on your life? Time to throw them out and live the life that you are meant to live.

Read more on the work of Gurdon and Yamanaka at http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/oct/08/nobel-prize-briton-science-teacher


Live life like an artist! – Andrew Verster

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Live your life like an artist and enjoy life’s journey!

“Every artist enters unknown, uncharted territory every day of their lives.There are no maps, except for those you make yourself. There are few signposts. And there is no guarantee that you will reach your destination.

At each moment in the making of an artwork there are choices.

What is the next move?
What color is right?
What shape goes with this shape?
Do I need more texture? Less texture?
Are the materials appropriate?
What about the size?
Who am I making this for?
What about the subject? Style?
Content?

And a hundred other questions.

Now each of these questions needs an answer as you grope your way from this point to the next.
And it is only you who can answer the question.

Picture making cannot be done by proxy. In the same way, life cannot be lived by proxy.

And that in essence is what prepares you for all the other things you might do in your life. The training forces you to make decisions, and in so doing, you define who you are. And who you are not.

Even making the wrong decisions can be useful, forcing you to retrace your tracks and take another fork in the road.

In the end, a painting or a sculpture or a video a drawing or a tapestry, is a map of where you have been. A map of your journey. And, most importantly, a record of a number of decisions…..

Someone once said that making art was like dancing in the dark. You know your feet are moving but you don’t know where you are going.

And I think it is this that thrills me about all the creative processes. This sense of discovery.This hunch that you are going somewhere but you don’t know where.” – Andrew Verster

This inspirational extract is from an acceptance speech given by Andrew Verster, the famous South African artist, on receiving an honorary PhD. Arts from the Durban University of Technology in 2009. He was addressing Art student graduates.

 

 

Picture making cannot be done by proxy. In the same way, life cannot be lived by proxy. Make the most of what you can. Your life is like a blank canvas waiting to be painted creatively. The only person who can paint it is you!

 

 


Dave Du Plessis survives being shot in the Amazon

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Dave Du Plessis, a South African from Durban is an adventurer. All adventurers know that you face risks when pushing boundaries. But then who wants to live life from an armchair, cocooned in safety. Dave has been in the news because he was shot while paddling a kayak in the Amazon. The fact that he is alive is a miracle and has much to do with his determination for life.

Wanting to know more about this incredible man I had a look at his blog and found these words which can truly inspire all of us.

Take Action 

“Learn to take action, coupled with thought, determination and faith in your ability. That brilliant business idea you have – put it into physical form, make the idea tangible and physical. That person you want as a partner – don’t just say great things do great things, don’t say Love, DO Love. Take action, physical action and results will appear, maybe not the results that you ideally believe should be in place, but remember that what ever is out there, that system has foresight that humans lack. We don’t see the BIG, REALLY BIG picture – the universe’s governing system does and this only becomes apparent when taking action with belief and faith in you.

Don’t sweat the small stuff!

Don’t sweat the small stuff either. For example I knew why I wanted to go for such a project, I never knew how and still don’t know how it will turn out – the ‘how’s’ are up in the air and not for me to decide. I decide the ‘why’s’. That life governing system creates the ‘how’s’. Know, to your core, ‘why’ you have to do something and take action, the ‘how’ will fall into place. The unknown ‘how’ is what makes life beautiful, spontaneous and incredible!

Embrace the why’s, faith in the how’s!

Imagine if you knew how everything turned out? There would be no surprise, excitement, lessons, spontaneity, change and all those other words that evoke the most incredible human emotions. There would be no unknown, no butterflies, no goose bumps and no tears. Embrace the why’s, faith in the how’s!

To live is action

To Live is an action, not a thought alone. Thoughts are your blueprint so make sure they are structured to enable your actions to produce the results.
Think to Live, Live through Action.

‘DO or DO NOT, there is no TRY’ – Yoda

Live Inspired.” – Thank you Dave for these words of inspiration. We wish you a speedy recovery.

Ref: http://worldwonderer.co.za/

Other posts of inspirational people: Winning starts in the head - Olympics 2012,                    Paralympics London 2012


Winning starts in the head!

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1968 America Gold Medalist – Sprinter Tommie Smith

The other evening I really enjoyed watching a BBC Postcard interview with the American sprinter Tommie Smith. In 1968 he won the Gold medal in the 200m sprint in Mexico City Olympics. During the award ceremony, he raised his gloved right fist in protest again racial discrimination. He also ran in black socks, which, with the black glove, represented the need to survive. Going without shoes represented poverty.

Smith was motivated to win so he could make a statement about racial injustice. He had something important to say. On his return to California he was treated as a traitor and for many years he couldn’t find a job. He has to be admired for standing up for his convictions and his fight against racial injustice. Thankfully, legalized racial discrimination is now a thing of the past.

For many years Smith worked as a sprinting coach and his key words for succeeding are these: “if you want to succeed you have to watch what goes on in your head”. This doesn’t only apply to sprinting, but whatever we wish to succeed in. Our thoughts direct our behavior, not the other way round. If you want to do well, you have to visualize and believe success. You have to watch your self-talk, which is all that non-stop chatter that goes on in your head. “You’re what you believe” said Smith. Obviously you also have to do the physical training, but success starts with the head, what you believe about yourself.

Just Do It!
Winning also starts in the head. “If you run as fast as you can, you win. You might not hit the tape first, but you have won in your own mind because you beat yourself from the last time.” In other words, as the Nike advert says “Just Do It”. You’re only a failure when you stop trying.

2012  American Gold Medalist – Michael Phelps 

Back to the London Olympics!
Have you noticed how many Olympic swimmers, including  Michael Phelps, stroll into the swimming arena listening to ‘something’ on their headphones. I couldn’t help but wonder what on earth they were listening to. Watching TV a  BBC interviewer must have read my mind because he asked a sports psychologist the very same question. “What goes on in your mind is very important if you want to perform to your max”, he replied. There we go again with this ‘mind thing’! “It all starts with the mind” said Smith, years before.

All the shouting and excitement from the audience can be distracting as the athletes prepare themselves for the race. So rather put on the headphones, turn up the volume and fill your head with music that’s motivating, that will psyche you up for winning. I wonder what Phelps listens to. I’m sure it’s not country music nor do I think it’s Dori singing “Just Keep Swimming,” in the movie Finding Nemo!

Application to all of us non-Olympic medalists!

  1. It all starts in the mind. Be careful of the thoughts you entertain.
  2. If you’re battling with depression, your thoughts can be extremely debilitating. Just remember that the mind can only hold one thought at any one given moment in time. So …  if you have thoughts that are pulling you down or negative thoughts dominating your mind, do as these athletes do. Find music that inspires you and lifts your spirit, load them onto you MP3 player, put on the headphones and tune yourself into some more upbeat words of encouragement. Start singing and dancing to the music!

Related article: Winning when you lose


Oscar Pistorius – Mothers Day tribute-

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Oscar Pistorius, known as the ‘blade runner’ is South Africa’s sporting hero. We’re so proud of him being chosen to represent our country in the Olympic Games (for the able-bodied) despite being technically disabled with prosthetic legs.

His sporting motto is “You’re not disabled by the disabilities you have, you are able by the abilities you have”. Focus on your abilities rather than allowing yourself to be brought down by your disabilities.

Being Mothers Day I thought I would read up about what his mother was like. I could only think that she must have been an incredible driving force behind Oscar as he was growing up. I wasn’t disappointed with what I read.

Oscar has a brother Carl and when their mother Shiela told Carl to put his shoes on, she told Oscar to put his legs and and ‘that’s the last I want ot hear of it!” She died when Oscar was 14 and he has wonderful memories of her. ‘She was very cool; a very hectic, free spirit. She didn’t really comply with much and had a very carefree approach to life. She didn’t take anything too seriously…. and never made decisions for us. When you try to do things sometimes and you don’t succeed and you give up, you never really know what the potential could have been if you had stayed dedicated to something.’ What inspiring words and what a wonderful tribute to his mother.

This did get me thinking… We can either bring our children ready to explore this wonderful world of ours, or we can limit them by our own fears. When we limit them by our fears children walk in the footsteps of their parents, go to the same college, qualify for the same job and marry the same sort of person as their opposite sex parent. Children grow up into replicas of their parents – all very safe!

We all learn from our mistakes and so children should also be given the opportunity to explore this world and grown into the people they are meant to be. If you don’t try you don’t know what you’ve missed out on, so you’d better make the most of every opportunity that comes your way!

To all the mothers out there – Wishing you a very happy Mothers Day!!

Information on Oscar Pistorius obtained from : http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/olympics/article-2117316/Oscar-Pistorius-exclusive-walking-wild-side.html#ixzz1tv4EM24y


Living a True Life!

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‘I wish I’d been courageous enough to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me’.

This is the most common regret people have as they reach the end of their lives. Isn’t it true that many of us worry excessively about what other people might think about us. How often did we hear parents say ‘don’t do that, what will other people think about you’. No wonder the world abounds with people pleasers! We all want to be accepted and loved, so we behave in a particular way just to get the approval of others.

The stress of being a people pleaser often ends up in depression. Really not surprising, is it? Trying to please everyone is inevitably going to lead straight down the road to failure. You simply can’t be successful living according to someone else’s expectations! To live an authentic life, you have to live a life true to yourself.

Don’t depend on other people for affirmation. Look inside yourself for what is right. Rather seek affirmation from the Lord.

In Jeremiah 17:5-8 (ESV) the Lord tells us why:

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

When you meet the Lord one day he is not going to congratulate you on living a life that others expected of you. He will ask why you didn’t live like the person He made you to be!