Category Archives: Love

A Gift Diary to Remember YOU are Loved

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A GIFT DIARY

Do you feel that nobody loves you? Maybe even feeling a bit resentful to your partner? Sometimes our thinking can be a bit skewed and we only see the negative, discounting any positive aspects in our lives. Using a gift diary will help sort out that kind of negative thinking and can revitalize a fading relationship.

First step is to get a small notebook to use as your gift diary.

gift diary

DAILY RECORD 

  1. Record three ‘gifts’ you give and receive from your partner every day, starting with today. If you don’t have a partner, think of a person who you are close to. These gifts don’t have to be material gifts and certainly don’t have to be big. Be on the look out for little gifts, like when your partner did or said something kind or helpful to you. Record in your diary words like “I appreciated your help with… .  I appreciated the way you….I appreciated the look you gave me when…”
  2. Talk about these gifts with your partner before you go to bed at night. This way you and your partner can start learning from each other the small actions that make you feel loved. Share how this gift made you feel.
  3. Say Thank You Many people find it hard to receive gifts and minimize the good things that are said and done to them. Say thank you – this makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. We all like to be appreciated and loved, and you’ll find that your partner will want to give you more.

MY PARTNER’S DREAM GIFT INVENTORY

  1. Again using your gift diary, create a list of the things you think your partner values receiving. This can be hard but don’t miss this step.
  2. Now check this list out with your partner. Were you accurate, and is there anything that you’ve missed out. Add this to your list. It’s amazing how many times we presume that we know what our partner likes, but are wrong. This presumption is based on what we like and then presume everybody else is the same as us. Wrong!!
  3. Find out details about each dream gift. What time of day, in what setting, and how often would your partner like to receive your gift?

The point of this exercise is to shift how you relate to your partner from the unconscious to the conscious.When we relate from the unconscious, it has more to do with what we think our partner wants.When we relate from a conscious level, we relate to our partner from what we know our partner wants.

If your partner doesn’t acknowledge your gifts gently ask whether they see what you did as a gift. For example you may enjoy buying flowers or chocolates for your partner. You’re excited but you find they’re not. The only way to know if they see it as ‘a gift’ is by asking. Don’t criticize them for not appreciating you and being ungrateful as that will defeat the purpose! If they value it as a gift, continue with this gift, knowing in your heart that it’s accepted as a gift.

Instead of guessing little gifts that your partner might like, ask them directly. We’re all different so what you see as a gift might not be what your partner sees as a gift. It’s okay to be different!

Keep adding to your DREAM GIFT INVENTORY by becoming sensitive to comments that your partner makes in passing about their dreams and desires. Your partner will feel SO loved when your gift meets their need!

And that after all is the point of a gift diary, to give and receive love.


If we get divorced …

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If we get divorced.…
Do these words come up often in conversation?

‘If we get divorced …’ soon becomes
‘When we get divorced …’ then
‘We’re getting divorced..’
‘We’re divorced!’

The more you think about divorce as a solution to marriage problems, and the more you raise the possibility, the more likely divorce will happen. What we think become self-fulfilling prophecies. We make our thoughts come true.

“I’ll love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.” Quite a marriage vow to make and so easy to break especially the bit about “Til death do us part” … Looking at the divorce rate, it might be better to say “Til I don’t love you anymore!” because that is the reality.

About fifty percent of marriages land up in the divorce court and the only person who really benefits is the divorce attorney. He gets richer and richer…. while the couple get poorer and poorer….

Divorce isn’t the answer to all the miseries of marriage, as second marriages are usually even less happy. Many people in second marriages regret they hadn’t worked harder at sorting out the problems the first time round. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side!

Law of Entropy Have you heard of this one?

Simply stated, entropy is the natural tendency for things to fall apart over time… to dissipate, scatter and get messy beyond repair. Entropy rules, and the world is indeed a mess. If you don’t tend to your garden or clean up your house it becomes an absolute mess in no time at all.

The same Law applies to marriage.

Now, you don’t just sell your house because it’s in a mess, do you? But that’s what happens in marriages. In our modern society we want instant gratification, instant happiness with no work. Get rid of the mess and start again rather than learning how to sort out the mess!

Marriage isn’t a bed of roses but it is the place where we learn about life, about relationships and about unconditional loving. This can only take place in a safe environment, one that isn’t constantly threatened by divorce and rejection.

Never threaten divorce

The first rule is to never, ever glibly talk about the possibility of divorce when you and your partner are fighting. Don’t let the word ‘divorce’ pass your lips. Just think of your marriage as being like a business. A business wants to succeed and to do that an action plan has to be put into place. Just imagine if the manager of a large company kept suggesting to close the company every time something went a bit wrong. He’d soon be fired, wouldn’t he? If there’s a problem, you make a plan.

  • The top priority in a marriage is to love each other.
  • Love is an action word.
  • Your idea of what’s loving might not be your partner’s idea of what’s loving. So … you  need to find out.

Make a date for the end of the day, sometime after work. Get the kids to bed so they can’t interrupt. Turn off the telly and set aside at least 15 minutes to focus on each other.

  • Talk about anything and everything, your day, your problems, absolutely anything.
  • Halve the time for each of you and take turns in being first.
  • Listen without interrupting and without giving fix-it-up solutions. If it’s your turn to listen, do exactly that! Listen and give encouraging noises!

Make this a joint plan to prevent the Law of Entropy taking its toll!

Also ask your partner what you already do or can do to make them feel really loved. You might be surprised at what you discover. It might not be that beautiful bouquet of flowers that you thought she loved, but rather just mowing the lawn once a week! You won’t know if you don’t ask.

Also don’t expect your partner to mind-read what you like, or even remember as this could disappoint you big-time! Don’t fall into the trap of impatiently saying “how many times do I have to tell you, you should remember by now”. That’s just nagging and so unloving, and it will back fire. You’ll end up feeling sorry for yourself and unloved. Just ask again as if you’d never asked before and just accept that human nature is forgetful. If no harm was intended move on ….be loving … and be happy!!

 



The Need for Love

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Do you have an urge to get love and then find that the well meaning things you do actually put people off? Let’s see what could be going wrong.

Excessive Compliments

Do you give others excessive compliments and at the same time put yourself down? Saying things like ‘I wish I could be clever like you. I’m just stupid.’ If you’re prone to doing this, you’ll have plenty more examples of your own! Unconsciously you’re hoping that these sorts of compliments will get the other person to love you. It’s more likely going to backfire. Excessive compliments don’t attract people, but actually makes them feel uncomfortable and puts them off. You’re more likely to end up feeling unloved.

Testing Relationships

Do you ever test a relationship to the limit until you’re rejected? All you’ve done is behave in a way that matches your self-image of being unlovable. Our behavior always matches what we believe about ourselves, even if the belief is in the subconscious. Sad but true!

Overwhelming Attention

Or maybe you’ve overwhelmed the person you love with so much attention that it becomes stifling for the other person who then bales out of the relationship. Once again this behavior done in the hope of getting love leads to rejection.

Unavailable people

Have you ever sought out people who are ‘not available’ or who are actually a bit rejecting? The unconscious belief is that there would be something wrong with a person who just accepts you as you are. So you target people who are more likely to reject you in the first place.

The Solution?

  • Self love is actually very attractive and will draw others to you. Learn to love yourself.
  • Getting involved in a wider range of interests can certainly help. If you focus on developing less intense relationships with a wider variety of ‘available’ people you won’t feel so desperate to get ‘love’.
  • There are very many ‘ordinary’ people just like you who want love. Take the focus off yourself and focus on making other people feel loved.

We all want someone to love and someone who will also love us. Love is desirable but not a requirement for happiness. That would put our happiness under the control of someone else. And happiness is, after all, determined by our own thoughts, not by any outside event.

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It creates the failures. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” Anais Nin (1903 – 1977) French-born American writer.