Disappearance by Irene Emanuel

Posted on May 5, 2013 by karin

Irene Emanuel

DISAPPEARANCE

Unbearable heaviness;
Inexplicable sadness;
A burden of non-explanation
that’s ripping my façade to shreds.
Weakness encircles my upper body;
A loss of strength
that reduces me
to tearful hopelessness;
A cowering scrap of indecision
that is beyond caring.
In lucid leaps of cognizance,
I am aware of sliding into despair.
I communicate my terror to GOD –
I discuss my emptiness;
the barren strangeness of sound
reverberating through the hallways
of my mind.
Sorrow slouches arrogantly,
spitting out slivers of sharp scorn
at my despondency;
at my un-voiced fears and inadequacies.
I live in devastated ignorance
of my dissemblance.
Would GOD understand my lapse
into nothingness?

BY: IRENE EMANUEL 24-01-2003

Thank you again Irene for sharing this poem.To read “The Darkness” by Irene Emanuel as well as more information about the poet, please click here

Slave Mentality – from ‘Kathie’ by Dora Taylor

Posted on April 10, 2013 by karin

I’ve just finished reading “Kathie”, by Dora Taylor. It’s a fascinating story of life in the 1950′s for the ‘colored’ people of South Africa. Taylor explores slave mentality and the dilemmas of racial identity in a country where superiority or inferiority lay in the degree of skin pigmentation. I found this book enthralling and definitely very worthwhile reading for anyone interested in knowing more about what life was like under apartheid.

Clicking on the book image will take you to Amazon.

Slave Mentality

In the book “Kathie”, the author makes reference to ‘slave mentality‘. Nowadays many people are slaves on a psychological level. Think about it. What are you a slave to? What’s holding you back from a life unfettered by chains and enjoying a life of freedom?

Who is your master? Could it be alcohol, drug or sex addictions? What about the way you think? Low self-esteem, fear of what others might think, a victim mentality, depressed thinking? Any of these can keep a person in chains, preventing a life of freedom. Let’s not forget attitudes like resentment and a lack of forgiveness – these can also hold one in chains.

As you read this excellent extract from the book “Kathie” think about the things that keep you in chains.

‘Beware of slave mentality,’ said Ndwana. ‘It is a cunning sickness. We may have it without knowing we have it.’

‘How may we diagnose it?’

‘That is a good question,’ answered Ndwana. ‘He who has the mind of a slave accepts the existing order of things as unchanging and unchangeable, because his master has told him it is so. He does not question it; still less does he try to change it. When he is kicked he cringes; he fawns on the hand that smites him. He begs for crumbs for himself, but not his brother; he slinks into a corner to lick his own wounds, but does not see the wounds of his brother; bullied by his master, he bullies those who are even more unfortunate than himself. Robbed of will and reason, he becomes stupid and hardened of feelings for others. He loses the very power to think of himself as a man.’

‘It is a grim picture,’

…..’Stupid lies masquerade as the truth. And you yourselves believe them….’ (Taylor 2008:333)

We act on whatever we believe to be the truth, even stupid lies that seem like the truth. The only way to break free is to see the lies for what they are and expose these lies to the light of truth.

John 8:32 “…Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

“Kathie” by Dora Taylor is available from Amazon.

Stop child depression developing

Posted on March 16, 2013 by karin

Facing the future without fear

No-one in their right mind wants their child to develop depression in later life, do they?

In reality, this doesn’t always seem to be true. Parenting involves teaching our children how to deal with the world.Unfortunately sometimes, as parents we do a bad job of this!

Beliefs taught in childhood can lead to depression in adulthood

We usually pass on our own beliefs on how to cope with life to our kids. Unfortunately, It follows logically that a depressed parent teaches their child the faulty beliefs and attitudes that lead to depression, namely approval seeking and perfectionism. This is all in an attempt to get their child ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ but it backfires for the child in adulthood. In reality child depression starts with learning incorrect attitudes and beliefs about themselves.

There may be a genetic tendency for depression but I believe the greater cause of depression is faulty thinking and this is what is passed onto the child. Teaching a child correct thinking will inoculate them to a degree against depression in later life.

Inoculate your children against depression, stop depression developing

Think about this for a moment…
Perfectionists, and approval seekers are the most prone to depression. Not really surprising is it? By trying to be perfect or trying to please everyone, you’re reaching for the impossible, you’re always going to fail and feel stressed and depressed. You have what is called an ‘external locus of control‘. It is other people who determine who you are. An internal locus of control is what you’re aiming for yourself and your children. Ask yourself if what you’re doing is to meet the expectations of others, or are you doing it because it’s what you want. I’ve heard of so many people even into middle age, whose main concern is to get approval from their now elderly parents. You’re trying in vain – if you didn’t get this approval as a child you won’t get it as an adult. The approval needs to change and come from within.

Ask yourself these questions
Are you a perfectionist, believing you’ll only be accepted if you’re perfect? If the answer is yes, it’s natural that you’ll teach your child the same attitude. Typical attitudes include:

if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all

Or maybe you’re a person-pleaser, an approval seeker? Do you believe you’re only acceptable if people approve of you. The motivation for seeking approval is usually an underlying fear of rejection. Typical attitudes include:

“You can’t wear that to go out! What are you thinking? What will other people think of you. The other children will laugh at you.”
“Just do what Granny says. You don’t want her to be cross with you do you?” Internalizing that adults are ALWAYS right is wrong. Just think of the dilemma for a child faced with abuse. The child thinks “Got to do what adults say – they’re always right.”
“You don’t really feel that way”. In other words don’t trust your own feelings, everybody else knows better.
“Don’t get angry! Nobody likes children who get angry”.

I’m sure you can think of many examples of faulty thinking patterns that are taught to children. Please write them in the comment box, I’d be interested to add more to the list.

Perfectionism and approval seeking lead to depression because it places our well-being at the mercy of others. Until there is self-approval and self acceptance, there will always be a ‘bottomless pit’ that is constantly seeking or manipulating others to fill with love and approval.

Children need to feel competent, feel that they are to some degree in control of their lives. They need to make choices and learn that mistakes are fine, mistakes are part of learning to live in this world. This type of acceptance gives children confidence to deal with the world, to see the world as an exciting place rather than as a fearful place.

Research has shown that adolescent boys that tended towards some delinquent behavior were more successful in adult life than boys who were taught to fear the world because of what others might think of them. Makes one think!

You might be a perfectionist or an approval seeker, but please try to break the cycle of depression by not teaching them that these are the way to find acceptance. Passing on these attitudes is equivalent to giving your child a mill-stone to carry into adulthood, which is not something a loving parent would intentionally do.

Also see article on developing good self esteem.

“The Offensive Pharmacist”

Posted on October 18, 2012 by karin

My friend’s daughter-in-law, Anne, was going to the pharmacy.

“Have you got some drawing ointment for a boil?” she asked.

The pharmacist, who cares deeply for the well-being of her customers replied, “Yes, but why don’t you get it from the supermarket. It’s the same stuff at a lower price.”

At this point, Anne started fuming, she turned around and left the pharmacy without getting her cream. But she did leave the pharmacist slightly bemused.

So what happened?

Didn’t Anne realize that the pharmacist was just trying to help?

Well, she possibly does, but that isn’t what she was thinking at the time. You see, Anne, like everyone on this earth, sees the world through their own experience.

For Anne, who had spent a large part of her childhood in poverty, being pointed toward a good deal was offensive, as if the pharmacist were saying, “Oh, you poor little girl, you don’t have any money, here’s a free handout.”

What can we learn from Anne?

If Anne had the skills she could have:

recognized the negative reaction and asked herself why she was reacting so badly,
evaluated what the words meant to her
“re-listen” to the exact words used by the pharmacist (rather than her distorted interpretation) and then see that the assistant was only trying to be helpful.
examine the thought – just because a thought pops into your head doesn’t mean it’s correct,
Result? A greater peace …. move on!

Overcoming Depression Course. If you would like to learn more about how to recognize these trigger buttons and learn to change your reaction to a happier, more realistic reaction, please register for the Free Overcoming Depression course in the pop-up or in the sidebar newsletter sign-up.

Have a great week!

Resilience Training

Posted on June 2, 2012 by karin

Resilience is the ability to carry on in the face of challenges and to bounce back when bad things happen. Resilience helps to get good outcomes in spite of serious threats.

Interestingly the USA army have resilience training programs to help recruits deal with bad situations that they are likely to encounter on the battle field. Actually resilience training is helpful to all of us as we all face battles in our daily lives.

Several factors that build up resilience include optimism, good problem solving, faith, a sense of meaning, self efficacy, flexibility, impulse control, empathy, close relationships, and spirituality. The resilience training program used by the USA army was originally developed for children in late childhood and early adolescence to learn life-skills. A similar program was also developed for college students to help prevent depression and anxiety.

Are you a pessimist or an optimist?
The program refers to pessimism or optimism as ‘explanatory styles’ or how you explain the cause of something that has happened to you.

Pessimists tend to give the causes of negative events to permanent, uncontrollable, and pervasive factors. Not surprisingly depressed people are more pessimistic than non-depressed people, and people with pessimistic styles are at greater risk for developing depression than those who are optimistic.

Optimists on the other hand, tend to give the causes of negative events to temporary, changeable, and specific factors. Although optimistic explanations act as a buffer against depression, if the explanations are inaccurate they can interfere with problem solving.

Optimistic thoughts, just like depressive thoughts are not always grounded in the truth. For example an optimist might say ‘everything will be okay tomorrow’ or a pessimist might say that ‘tomorrow can only get worse’. Neither statement is true as we can’t predict what tomorrow holds. Have you been told ‘hey, don’t worry, things will be better after a good nights sleep/ a cup of coffee or whatever? Well meaning advice, but really a load of rubbish as no-one can predict the future.

Predicting the future leads to anxiety. When I catch myself ‘predicting the future’ I remind myself that I don’t know what tomorrow or the future holds. With that I bring my thoughts back to the present and start problem solving in order to have a good outcome to my dilemma rather than relying on tomorrow sort of magically being better.

Pessimist or optimist? Whatever your style, start becoming aware of your thoughts and words and rationally evaluate them to see if they are accurate. Doing this will help you become an effective problem solver.

Survivor Guilt

Posted on May 9, 2012 by karin

SURVIVOR GUILT

This past weekend I had the pleasure of going on a day tour to the site of the Anglo/Zulu battlefields in KwaZuluNatal, South Africa. The highlight was seeing the battleground at Isandlwana. The battle between the British and the Zulus that took place here in 1879 was the one where the British suffered their most devastating defeat of the colonial era. The tour really brought this famous battle to life and it was a reminder of the terrible loss of life that occurred.

It is recorded that only 55 British soldiers managed to escape with their lives and probably only managed to outrun the Zulu warriors because they were on horseback. However, a bit further down the line and across the Buffalo river which was the border between Natal and Zululand, it is recorded that about 400 men had been seen crossing the river and escaping. The question that arises is that if the official record showed 55 survivors what happened to the other 345 who had also been seen escaping?

The answer to this is that they were suffering from survivor guilt. British soldiers who were massacred numbered 1,300. These other 345 survivors literally disappeared into the community. Many were not seen for many years, preferring to be presumed dead rather than face the shame and disgrace of having run away from the scene of the battle and being alive when so many others had died. Our guide Don, said that there was one survivor who only surfaced in his 70′s deciding that he could no longer live ‘a lie’.

Survivor Guilt is defined as a deep feeling of guilt which is often experienced by those who have survived a disaster that took the lives of many others. It stems in part from a feeling that they didn’t do enough to save the lives of those who died as well as feeling less worthy than those who did die. This experience can even lead to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Survivor guilt also occurs in situations like a car accident where a person who survives experiences survivor guilt when all the others are killed. Survivor guilt can also be experienced a person who escapes death in a fatal car accident because they changed their minds at the last minute about joining the trip. The question that lingers is why did they survive when the others died. I have not doubt that as with the soldiers at Isandlwana, many of our modern day soldiers also suffer from survivor guilt having seen their worthy comrades fall in battle.

Survivor Guilt is often the result of distorted thinking. You have to ask yourself what you are really guilty of. Usually the guilt is not based in reality. Although it is terrible losing loved ones, just by living in this world these sorts of things do tragically. Staying with that guilt will debilitate one for a long time. A sense of gratitude for your life would be a more appropriate, correct response.

Should you be visiting KwaZulu/Natal and would like to do some day tours I can highly recommend the professional services of Don Botterill at Day Tours

Trauma Survivor

Posted on May 5, 2012 by karin

SURVIVING TRAUMA

We live a violent world. We just have to turn on the TV to see evidence of murder, car hijackings, hold-ups and shootings. If you’ve been a victim of violent crime, you need to do all you can to become a trauma survivor rather than a trauma victim.

What happened to you was without a doubt unfair. I want you to be a survivor so here are a few tips to help you on the road to recovery.

Anger is a normal response to what has happened to you. As you talk about the traumatic event, expect anger to well up inside you. Don’t try and minimize your anger or tell yourself not to be so angry. Anger is a normal and good response. Learning to name the emotions you experience is an important step in healing.
Tell the full story The best way to get over your experience is to verbalize what happened to you as many times as possible. Most people are not really good listeners so it can be helpful to go for professional help. Untreated, a traumatic experience can lead to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, a friend who is a good listener can also be really helpful and walk alongside you on this journey. Ask your friend to read this post, to give them a bit of guidance as well. Repeat your story as many times as possible until you are ‘tired’ of talking about what happened. Think of all the smallest details of what happened to you, even down to what each person was wearing. You need to re-live the experience through speaking out loud about the trauma. This really does help the healing process and after a while will remove the sting. Your friend could help you by prompting you with words like ’and then what happened?’

Friendly advice to the helping friend

Don’t tell the trauma survivor that they should be over it by now.
Don’t tell them that they’ve already told you particular details.
Don’t try and help them understand the abuse from the perpetrator’s perspective. This comes across as justifying the abuse and is actually a further abuse.
Don’t keep away from your friend because you feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. Stay totally focused on your friend – this is a time when they need to feel loved.
DO – Keep in contact You might be tired of listening to your friend BUT remember this time is not about you but about helping your friend. Make regular ‘get-together’ times and love your friend into becoming a trauma survivor.

I can highly recommend the book “I Can’t Get Over It – A Handbook for Trauma Survivors” by Aphrodite Matsakis who is a specialist in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This book is available through Amazon

If you’ve been through a traumatic experience please share in the comments box anything that you found helpful in your recovery. In this way you might be helping other readers as well.

Procrastination and Depression

Posted on April 11, 2012 by karin

A common problem for anyone suffering from depression is ‘doing nothing’. Unfortunately this type of thinking is never going to get you better.

Thoughts Ask yourself “When I think of those tasks that I haven’t done, what thoughts come immediately to mind?” Maybe it’s thoughts like “I’m not in the mood. I’m going to fail anyway. I don’t have the energy. I’m useless. I don’t feel like doing anything so I don’t have to. I’ll just stay in bed, sleep and forget, it’s easier”. Do any of these sound familiar?

Emotions Our thoughts direct our emotions. How do these thoughts make you feel? Probably bored, tired, discouraged, overwhelmed and useless.

Behavior And then with these sorts of thoughts and emotions, it’s not surprising that ‘doing-nothing’ behavior, or procrastination, is the result! ’Doing nothing’ convinces you that you are inadequate. And you sink further into the pit of doing nothing!

How to change the cycle

Change your behavior and prove your thoughts to be wrong! Ask yourself some pertinent questions.

Fear of failure? ’It’s safer doing nothing than risk failing’! This is a common underlying fear of a perfectionist. Learn to enjoy the process and don’t stay fixed on outcomes.
Fear of Criticism? Doing something runs the risk of being criticized. True, but so what? Enjoy the process and stop placing other peoples criticisms in such high regard.

Just do something, however small, as any meaningful activity will give you a decent chance of improving your mood. Do it, despite not feeling like doing it. Don’t always trust your feelings. When you’re depressed you might feel like staying in bed the whole day, but it really is the worst thing for you to do!

If you want to learn more about the effects of thoughts on your behavior click here.

I highly recommend the book By David Burns called Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, illustrated in the right sidebar. It is the book that helped me enormously in my journey of overcoming depression. Click on the book image and it will take you to the Amazon site, where all of David Burns’ books are available. I have several of his books and can really recommend them all.

Woes of a Workaholic!

Posted on March 29, 2012 by karin

Are you driven by achievement, a workaholic, basing all your self-worth on productivity? If so, it’s time to get a better perspective on life. Achievement isn’t everything and the problem with this attitude is that you could have an emotional crash when you retire or your business slumps.

Try changing your thinking to something like ‘It’s great to achieve, to do well, but it’s not everything. I can learn valuable lessons when I don’t do so well. It’s okay!’ Try to enjoy the creative process of doing things. Workaholics often have the attitude that only they can get the job done properly and so are reluctant to delegate any work. Assess whether this attitude is really valid as it only increases your stress.

Stress leads to burnout which is just a more acceptable name for depression stemming from the work-place. Change your attitude. Work is obviously a good thing, but it can be problematic if it overwhelms all the other aspects of your life. Your family and your children also need your time. If you neglect them in favor or your work you might just find that they are no longer available when you need them!

Try to find a balance in the different areas of your life.

David Burns ‘Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy’ – Book Review

Posted on February 16, 2012 by karin

David D. Burns – The New Mood Therapy

If you are serious about overcoming depression The New Mood Therapy by Burns is definitely the book to buy. Reading it could be a new start in life for you, as it was for me.

The book was recommended to me way back in 1996 when I had depression. I never looked back. It actually changed my life! I don’t think any book can get higher praise than that!

Burns follows a Cognitive Therapy approach which is regarded as the best therapy for overcoming depression. The basic premise is that if you change your thinking, your mood will follow suit and change as well.

In ‘The New Mood Therapy’, Burns give many, easy to follow tools for overcoming faulty thinking patterns, which he calls ‘Cognitive Distortions’.

He writes in a very easy to read, humorous style. Normally one would associate dreariness with depression, but not so with this book! He has the ability to make the reader laugh when elaborating on some of the faulty thinking that rule our lives. Even if you’re not depressed it’s easy to identify with his examples. Knowledge gives power!

Now some 17 years later I still remember reading in bed and chuckling to myself about some of his illustrations. One in particular stays with me that made me laugh.

Seagull poops on Man’s Head!

A man was walking along the beach, and suddenly out of the blue, a seagull poops on his head with a perfect aim! The man’s response made me laugh even more.
‘Why is that ALWAYS happening to me?
No surprise he was feeling down in the dumps. I would also be if it happened to me ALL the time, EVERY time I set foot out the door! But the truth is that we often exaggerate with our thinking, which then pulls our mood down. Thinking realistically, a bad event seldom happens ‘ALWAYS’! The word ‘always’ is a warning that your thinking is tending towards overgeneralization - one on the list of cognitive distortions. ‘Sometimes’ is a better word and brings the thought back to reality!

I regard this book so highly, that I have bought extra copies over the years to give to friends who are depressed or anxious.

And the good news is that it is extremely reasonably priced – it costs the fraction of the price of one therapy session. Buying this book changed my life, it could change yours as well!

You can buy David D. Burns – The New Mood Therapy at Amazon.

Overcoming Depression

Help and tips for getting over depression

Category Archives: Depression