Our Spiritual Family

As born again believers we are adopted in a new family, God’s family. We are God’s hands and on this earth and as brothers and sisters in Christ we have a responsibility to affirm each other’s new self?image in Christ. It’s not easy giving up old habits so we are double minded, hearing what scripture says but following our fleshy ingrained old patterns of behaviour to get our needs met. Our self?image can change by believing what God says about us. This will lead to a change in behaviour because remember that our behaviour matches our self-image. Often our negative reactions are an attempt to defend our self-esteem. As our identity becomes more and more grounded in Christ, the need to defend our self-esteem will decrease. Remember, we are a new creation in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come.

We need to believe it when the Word says that all our needs are met in Christ, which can be very difficult. To believe in your security and significance in Christ, that is, that your needs are met in him, will enable you to deal with insecurities in your everyday life. You might feel insecure in your marriage but will be able to cope if you believe in your security in Christ.

A few tips.

Look at the cognitive distortions taking place.

Learn to listen to what you are thinking – become an observer. Examine your heart.

• LISTEN We really need to try to listen to each other, not just to the words that are said, but to the underlying needs .Try to meet their needs and accept them as they are
• EMPATHY Try to put a word to the feeling behind the behaviour that is being expressed. (My boyfriend dropped me – feelings of rejection). Easy to talk about behaviour, not the emotion. When the emotion is heard we feel deeply heard. Don’t tell people not to feel in a certain way. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are and can be acknowledged. Don’t get angry etc.
• Avoid the FIX IT URGE by giving a solution whenever your spouse expresses negative emotions. SHOULD STATEMENTS If this rings a bell with you, you are in fact telling your spouse that negative emotions are not acceptable, and you know far better how they should run their lives. If you can resist the fix?it urge you will be giving your spouse a far more accepting message., By not telling them how they should be thinking or feeling, you show them total acceptance. This will help them to move onto greater self?acceptance. ?Should’ statements are a no?no as they lead to anger and resentment. Be careful of giving unsolicited advice. If you are unsure of what your spouse wants, ask if they want advice or just want to be heard.
• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR Try not to control your spouse. It is difficult for insecure people to trust themselves to the will of another. Because of lack of self?assurance, they must protect themselves, by seeking to control the behaviour of those who could hurt them. Since marriage is a trusting relationship, this is the place where the problems erupt most readily. Attempts to control others are a frequent compensation for lack of trust resulting from a lack of love.

Practice I FEEL…. WHEN YOU…. No blaming. We need to practice being open about our needs . Many people have been taught to suppress these. Don’t expect other people to mind read your needs.

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Our Present Family

Our present family can either reinforce our past self?image (good or bad) or contribute to forming a new self?image (also good or bad.). Quite a task we have in our marriage relationship. We get married to meet our own needs, so that the saying that opposites attract is true. The focus is on the self – I need you ..I can’t live without you etc. So many people enter marriage with high expectations of their spouse to meet their unmet needs.

1n Larry Crabb’s book, the Marriage builder, he says that we are only really able to meet our partner’s needs when we have the deep inner belief that we are dearly loved by God, and are secure in his love and the inner satisfaction of knowing that we are doing the work that God called us to do on this earth .I’m sure that one of our tasks is to be used as a vessel for the love of God to flow to our partner.

You have a choice to either manipulate your spouse, or minister to your spouse.

To manipulate your spouse is to have your own needs uppermost, the self comes first and your behaviour is aimed towards having your own needs met. By doing this you are trying to control the other person, which we have no right to do, it means that we are not accepting them as they are, we want to change them into somebody who will suit our needs better.

On the other hand we have got the choice to minister to our spouse. We are in the unique position of being the only one able to minister to our spouse in a marriage relationship. We do this by accepting them as they are and looking out for and trying to meet their needs. Look at the needs behind the behaviour. The Word says that we are to think of others more highly than ourselves. This refers to needs; we are to look out for each other’s needs. A complaint that a husband spends too much time at work could actually indicate a wife’s insecurity. If we just look at the behaviour and just respond to the words the response could be ‘ you should know I have no choice the boss is putting pressure on me. If the message behind the words is responded to, the needs will be met. Maybe a wife’s anger with her husband for being late has not got so much to do with his being late, but maybe with a childhood fear of abandonment. Surely this understanding will stop a heated battle from happening. Even if you partner has behaviour that bugs you, try to see what needs the person is trying to get met. It is usually not just to irritate you; it might just be a peculiar way of trying to get a need met. Also the stronger the emotion, the greater the need so don’t criticize the emotion by shouting back ‘don’t be so emotional!’

How do you get your needs met? Does sulking, or the silent treatment sound familiar? Or being manipulative, being devious, anger. Or do you honestly express your needs and allow your partner the choice to meet your needs. Try keeping to ‘I feel’ statements as you are then owning your feelings rather than blaming your spouse. I feel unloved when you come home late. Rather than you don’t love me or else you you’d come home at 5. The first gives the partner the choice of meeting your need. The second is blaming.

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Physical Environment

The physical environment in which we grew up gave us a message about ourselves. A black person living under the apartheid laws would get a message that life was unfair and difficult. I remember as a child going to a park reserved for whites, and seeing black children looking longingly over the fence. How did they make sense of what they saw and felt? Probably that they were inferior, why else would they be denied the pleasures that the white kids enjoyed. Living in the lap of luxury will give a child a totally different message.

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Marriage

Is my past baggage affecting my marriage?

Examining the messages I send to myself and my spouse.

Let’s think about what the word baggage means to us. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the regrets of packing too much luggage for your holiday and feeling weighed down by your luggage. Next time you’re going to pack light, but when the next time comes you pack all that unnecessary stuff again. Sound familiar. Does your luggage control you or are you in control, packing what you need?

The same story seems to apply to our emotional lives. Does your emotional baggage control your life or have you discarded what you don’t need? Let’s have a look at how our emotional baggage gets packed.

{self image overhead}

Back to the beginning of our story.

Let’s unpack our baggage so we can understand why we behave as we do.

We’ll look at the baggage we as it relates to our first father, Adam, from our Physical Environment, and from our Birth Family. We will then look at our Present Family and Our Present Spiritual Family.

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Interpreting Your Dysfunction Attitude Scale Scores

Approval

10 – 20 indicates good sense of your own worth even when you are criticized or disapproved of

0 – 10 indicates you are vulnerable as you evaluate yourself through the eyes of others. Your emotional well-being is very sensitive to what you imagine others think of you. Therefore easily manipulated and vulnerable to anxiety and depression when others criticize you.

Anxiety stems from the belief that you have no right to express your feelings or needs. Maybe you have been put down for expressing your feelings and needs and will need to practice. If your spouse puts you down and criticizes your emotions, reassure yourself that you have the right to express these needs and any bad mood that results is not your problem. If as a spouse you criticise your spouses feelings, then stop doing so.

You can’t say no – a people pleaser.

A faulty thinking pattern could be that you expect your spouse to mind-read what your needs are. Need to practice expressing your needs Problem is that there is no internal peace, which is the peace that the Lord gives you. Very needy but deny own needs.

Proverbs 29:25 says that ‘Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.’

Love

10 – 20 See love as desirable but not a requirement for happiness. Have a wide range of interests. Self love is attractive to others.

0 – 10 See love as needed for survival. The higher the score is to ? 10 the more dependent on love you are. You put yourself down in relationships with people you care about, to keep them liking you. This neediness can backfire and intensify the loneliness.

Someone who is seeking love but unconsciously believes himself to be unlovable, might test the relationships to the limit until he is rejected, confirming that he is unlovable, confirming his self image. Or he might overwhelm the recipient of his love with so much attention that it becomes stifling for the other person and they bale out of the relationship – confirming his self-image. Your behaviour always matches your self-image. You might seek out people who are not available or who are a bit rejecting because you might unconsciously think that there is something wrong with a person who just accepts you as you are – it doesn’t match your self-image.

Maybe an applicable scripture verse is the one ‘love your neighbour as yourself – you need to work on the self-love.

Achievement

10 – 20 You enjoy creativity and productivity, but its not necessary to self?esteem and satisfaction.

0 – 10 Indicates a workaholic with self?worth based on productivity. Might have emotional crash on retirement, or when business slumps. Die 6 months after retirement.

Perfectionism

10 – 20 You get satisfaction from processes and experiences, not fixed on outcomes. See mistakes as learning experiences. Usually more productive than a perfectionist.

0 – 10 You drive yourself but satisfaction is small. Life becomes a joyless, tedious treadmill as you are living with unrealistic, impossible standards and need to re?evaluate them.

Mistakes are taboo and negative emotions a disaster. Children learn that negative emotions are bad and as adults pass this attitude on to their children. The children don’t feel unconditional acceptance. In relationships the word ’should’ comes up frequently, as you provide solutions to any problem rather than just listening to how the other person is feeling and accepting them as they are. You want to fix things up. Unfortunately, although your intentions are honourable they can leave the other person feeling very rejected. In effect you are saying that if you live your life as I tell you to, all will be well, implying that you would be better at running your life. Should statements always lead to anger and resentment (who says I must or should?). Things are black or white. Need to replace should statements with ‘it would be nice if…

Entitlement

10-20 You negotiate for what you want and often get it. You don’t expect good deeds to be reciprocated and have a high frustration level. You often end up ahead of the pack.

0-10 You feel entitled to things like love, success, happiness. You expect and demand that others meet your wants because of your inherent goodness or hard work. When it doesn’t happen you get irate or depressed and feel inadequate. Much energy in being frustrated, sad and mad. Lots of ‘should’ statements here as well.

Omnipotence

10-20 You know that you are not in control of other adults and are not responsible for them but only for yourself This attitude draws you to others. You give people a sense of freedom and dignity because you have relinquished any attempt to control them. You get love, admiration and respect from others.

0-10 You blame yourself inappropriately for the negative actions and attitudes of others who are not really under your control. Guilt and self?condemnation common and the feeling of being all?powerful cripples you and leaves you anxious and ineffectual. Look at what are you really responsible for.

Autonomy

10-20 You find happiness within yourself. You take responsibility for your feelings because you know they are created by you. Life becomes exciting.

0 – 10 You are trapped in the belief that your potential for joy and self esteem comes from the outside. This puts you at a great disadvantage because everything outside is ultimately beyond your control. Your moods end up the victim of external factors. Blame others for your unhappiness. (Paul in the Bible could be happy in chains.)

Ask yourself

1. Is it to my advantage to maintain this particular belief?
2. Is this belief really true and valid?
3. What steps can I take that will allow me to rid myself of attitudes that are self-defeating and unrealistic, and substitute others that are more objective and more self-enhancing?

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Dysfunctional Attitude Scale

This scale will give you an indication where your psychological strengths or emotional weaknesses lie. Please complete this questionnaire before my talk, as I will explain the ratings during my talk. You will not be asked to share any of your results with the group – they are for your eyes only!

Example

Ring your scores	Agree Strongly	Agree Slightly	Neutral	Disagree Slightly	Disagree Very Much
35. People who have the marks of success (good looks, social status, wealth, or fame) are bound to be happier than those who do not.	0	1	2	3	4

Fill in the questionnaire on the next page and transfer your Total Scores to the grid below.

Value System	Questions	Total Scores
I. Approval	1 to 5	&nbsp
II. Love	6 to 10	&nbsp
III. Achievement	11 to 15	&nbsp
IV. Perfectionism	16 to 20	&nbsp
V. Entitlement	21 to 25	&nbsp
VI. Omnipotence	26 to 30	&nbsp
VII. Autonomy	31 to 35	&nbsp

Now plot your Total Scores on the diagram below to develop your ‘personal philosophy profile!’

The meanings of these concepts ‘psychological strengths’ and ‘emotional vulnerabilities’ will be explained.

Dysfunctional Attitude Scale Questionaire

Ring your scores	Agree Strongly	Agree Slightly	Neutral	Disagree Slightly	Disagree Very Much	&nbsp
1. Criticism will naturally upset the person who receives the criticism.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
2. It is best to give up my own interests in order to please other people.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
3. I need other people’s approval in order to be happy.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
4. If someone important to me expects me to do something then I should do it.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
5. My value as a person depends greatly on what others think of me.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
I. Approval. Total Score →						&nbsp
6. I cannot find happiness without being loved by another person.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
7. If others dislike you, you are bound to be less happy.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
8. If people whom I care about reject me, there’s something wrong with me.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
9. It a person I love does not love me, it means I am unlovable.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
10. Being isolated from others is bound to lead to unhappiness.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
II. Love. Total Score →						&nbsp
11. If I am to be a worthwhile person, I must be truly outstanding in at least one major respect.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
12. I must be a useful, productive, creative person or life has no purpose.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
13. People who have good ideas are more worthy than those who do not.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
14. If I don’t do as well as other people, it means I am inferior.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
15. If I fail at my work, then I am a failure as a person.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
III. Achievement. Total Score →						&nbsp
16. If you can’t do something well, there is little point in doing it at all.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
17.It is shameful for a person to display his weaknesses.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
18. A person should try to be the best at everything he undertakes.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
19. 1 should be upset if I make a mistake.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
20. 1f 1 don’t set the highest standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
IV. Perfectionism. Total Score →						&nbsp
21. If I strongly believe I deserve something, I expect that I should get it.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
22. It is necessary to become frustrated if you find obstacles to getting what you want.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
23.If I put others people’s needs before my own, they should help me when I need something from them.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
24. If I am a good husband (or wife), then my spouse is bound to love me.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
25. If 1 do nice things for someone, I can anticipate that they will respect me and treat me just as well as I treat them.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
V. Entitlement. Total Score →						&nbsp
26. I should assume responsibility for how people feel and behave if they are close to me.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
27. If I criticize the way someone does something and they become angry or depressed, this means I have upset them.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
28. To be a good, worthwhile, moral person, I must try to help everyone who needs it.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
29. If a child is having emotional or behavioural difficulties, this shows that the child’s parents have failed in some important aspect.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
30. I should be able to please everybody	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
VI. Omnipotence. Total Score →						&nbsp
31. I cannot expect to control how I feel when something bad happens.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
32. There is no point in trying to change upsetting emotions because they are a valid and inevitable part of daily living.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
33. My moods are primarily created by factors that are largely beyond my control, such as the past, or body chemistry, or hormone cycles, or chance.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
34. My happiness is largely dependent on what happens to me.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
35. People who have the marks of success (good looks, social status, wealth, or fame) are bound to be happier than those who do not.	0	1	2	3	4	&nbsp
VII. Autonomy. Total Score →						&nbsp

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Our Birth Family

Our birth family showed us who we are by the way they responded to our needs and us. Our self-image started being formed. We also learnt how to get our needs met. The most important emotional need is for unconditional love as this enables us to love unconditionally. We need to know that we are loved even when our behaviour is not so great. There is never a threat of love being withdrawn. Unconditional love is often not given often because the parents themselves didn’t receive and don’t know what unconditional love is. What our parents say must be true, so when a child is told that nice children don’t get angry, he has to suppress the anger, pretend its not there as he wants to be a so-called nice child. ‘Boys don’t cry’ and ‘what will other people think of you’ are similar damaging statements. And the emotion gets stuck at that developmental level. I think that’s why so many adults don’t know how to deal with emotions, they’ve been criticized so often when we were growing up and treated as unacceptable by comments like `you don’t really feel that way, you’re oversensitive, overreacting etc.. Emotions are God given and all have a purpose. Emotions need to be accepted, and mirrored to the child as being a part of them and helped to channel them in an acceptable way. For example instead of criticising the child for being angry, rather empathise with words like you’re really feeling very angry’ as a statement like this shows acceptance and allows the child to express what is happening.

Let’s look at a few examples of how our growing up experiences motivates our behaviour as adults. Imagine a young boy brought up in poverty, life is hard. When he looks at people with money, he decides that money would make him secure and happy, would make life easier ? money will meet his need for security. As an adult he becomes a workaholic, makes a lot of money, which in his mind means he is caring well for his family who should be happy. If his family complain about him not spending enough time with them, he would probably react quite defensively with statements like ‘ I’m doing all this for you, I thought you’d be grateful, but all you do is complain’. As children are very self-focused and tend to blame themselves for things that seem wrong in a family, they would probably conclude that there is something wrong with them and that is why Dad spends so little time with them.

What about Dad’s who run up and down the side of the rugby field and berate their children when they fare poorly. What is the message the child is getting? To be loved and accepted in this world, I must be at the top, the best, perfect. What about the businessman who has to get to the top and it doesn’t matter who is sacrificed on the way. This may have been learnt as a child, maybe on the rugby field!

Let’s look at the child brought up in an alcoholic home. His emotional needs are seldom met and this child will experience emotional problems in adulthood, possibly even alcoholism. As this has been the child’s role model, it will influence his behaviour as an adult, the damage continues from one generation to the next, whether it results in alcoholism, or an extremely anti alcohol stance, it does have an effect.

A perfectionist parent might give the message that you are only acceptable if you are perfect. As this is impossible, we are all imperfect; you continually berate yourself for your imperfection. You are continually striving to please that parent voice within you.

A parent with a caregiver type personality can give a confused message to the child, as the care given to outsiders is often far greater than that given to the immediate family. This might seem strange but the caregiver is trying to get her need to be needed met and where better to get this need met than outside of the family, they are far more appreciative. What message does the child get? Mom seems to help everybody else; there must be something wrong with me.

We’ve all felt rejection, it doesn’t feel nice and we would rather behave in a way to avoid it. So understandably children also start taking on roles to get their needs met, to feel accepted and to lessen the possibility of rejection. We all have a need to feel loved and secure, and have a sense of belonging. The rebel, or scapegoat, might feel that some attention is better than no attention, so in this way he gets his needs met. Another child might become the achiever in the family, or the family clown who has the ability to distract the family from its pains or the child who withdraws, fearful of expressing himself.

During childhood our self-image is laid down and we behave in a way that matches our self-image. People with a good self-image will not allow themselves to get involved in an abusive relationship. Often an abused child will marry an abuser because it matches the self-image. It’s not nice but it’s familiar. A girl whose father is distant might marry an emotionally distant man, unconsciously thinking that if she tries hard enough she’ll succeed in getting the love she felt she didn’t get from Dad. A man who has a controlling mother and was never affirmed in his role as a future head of the household might marry a very competent woman whom he will love and hate at the same time, as he sees her competency as a reflection of his inadequacy.

insert the picture of another overhead here: In order to understand the behaviour, let’s look at this OVERHEAD.

All behaviour is motivated by a need. The greater the emotion, the greater the need. If you want to help someone don’t criticize the emotion, it is the gateway to understanding the need. Criticizing the emotion will only make the person feel unaccepted and withdraw. Look behind the emotion to the need. For example, in adolescence, the lack of feeling loved can lead to promiscuous behaviour to get the need for love met. Sex is incorrectly equated with love. We become more compassionate and less judgemental if we take our eyes off the behaviour and try and work out what need the person is trying to get met, and try and meet it in a more appropriate way.

If you look at your past, it is not a matter of finding blame but rather to understand your life story. We all enter adulthood damaged in some way, but we don’t have to live our lives as victims of our past. Any good story has a consistent beginning, middle and end and your life story also needs to make sense. The good news is that you can rescript the rest of your life and discard the unwanted baggage that you took on when you were an innocent child.

Part of the task of growing up is to look at the belief systems that we were taught as children and to decide whether these are valid or not, whether we need to dump them as unwanted baggage.The following questionnaire may help you identify where some of your emotional weaknesses lie. In your own time look at those questions that you rated 0 or 1 and check whether they are really true and valid. Total scores for the different sections between 0 & 10 indicate areas where you are emotionally vulnerable. Scores between 10 & 20 indicate areas where you are psychologically strong. The questionnaire is followed by notes on interpreting your questionnaire.

If we are aware of our emotional weaknesses and accept them, they are less likely to unconsciously motivate our behaviour. We all need love, approval, to feel a sense of achievement but the problem comes in when these are attached to our self-esteem.

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Adam

Our first lot of baggage comes from being part of a fallen race, being born separated from God. Adam and Eve had all their needs met by God. They had security, a sense of belonging, a sense of worth and felt completely loved by God. They didn’t know what it was like to be needy or rejected. At the time of the fall all these things that they had taken for granted became needs.

Man’s behaviour then became motivated to get his needs met, like our need for security, our need to belong and our need to feel of worth. Our need for food and shelter became work. This drive to get our needs met is what we inherited from Adam. Think about it – Why are you attending this course? You must see it as meeting some need for you. Why do you go to church? If it did not meet a need in you, you would not go. Why did you get married? Usually to get your own needs met. Most of what we do is to get a need met, even if it is unconscious.

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